Page 92 of Lovesick
“Mama was a hopeless romantic,” I said. “She was also a lovesick mess. She chased an idealistic romance that didn’t exist her whole life. Until recently, I didn’t get that. I didn’t understand. But now I do.”
His shoulders relaxed slightly. “Oh. Well, we can talk about romance. We just need to define what you want and—”
“No, JJ. It’s not that easy. I’m just like my mama, and she destroyed everything she touched. I think that if I let things continue this way with us, I’ll regret it.”
He drew back. “You’ll regret being with me?”
“Not like that. No, not like that. I ... I mean, what if I do to you what Mama did to me? To my dad?”
“What did she do?”
“What didn’t she do?” I cried as a tear rolled down my cheek. “She broke our hearts. She broke my dad. She chased romance to her dying day and left a world of pain behind her. Mama loved romance more than anything, but the romance in her head wasn’t real. Just like I think the romance in my head isn’t real.”
This time, he did step toward me. It was furious, controlled, anguished. “You felt something for me, Lizbeth. Don’t try to deny it.”
“I would never,” I whispered.
He stood within arm’s reach now. His presence seemed to fill up the room. My arms longed to reach out and touch his chest. Now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop. I kept going, pressured to get the truth out before it broke both of us.
“Love of romance is the only trait I really share with Mama,” I continued shakily. “What if I bring that here? What if I destroy you? I can’t do that. I can’t let myself be like her. Not even a little. I went to college because she didn’t. I’m organized because she wasn’t. I have plans because she didn’t. I ... I won’t do what she did to the world.”
Several long moments passed. Another tear fell down my cheek.
“I’m sorry, JJ. I can’t do this anymore. This is beautiful and amazing and fun, but I have to stop it now.”
“If it’s beautiful and amazing and fun, then why do you have to stop it?”
“Because one day it won’t be. One day it will be hard and difficult and maybe even scary. When that comes, I might break your heart. I might turn into Mama and leave devastation in my wake. Romance and love haven’t been what I expected. For all the goodness and light I feel with you, there’s the potential for as much darkness and fear. If things are good between us now, who’s to say they won’t be terrible later? I’ve been so wrong already...”
He frowned and opened his mouth, then closed it again. Tears blurred his form the longer I stared at him.
“Your parents,” I whispered gently. “Aren’t they a prime example?”
He sucked in a sharp breath. “That’s not fair.”
“Why? Because it’s true? For the first time in my life, JJ, I’ve finally comprehended that there’s a dark side to romance. That it’s as much a force for bad as it is for good. I’ve spent years thinking love would save me. That it was only light and goodness and would sweep me off my feet into a better world, but that’s not true. There’s angst and pain and darkness too. I’ve just ignored it until now, and that’sexactlywhat Mama did. So she chased it right to her grave. It’s her darkest legacy, and she gave it to me.”
He swallowed and stepped back. “Sounds like you’ve made up your mind.”
“I care too much about you to do that.”
“Don’t do that.” He shook his head. “Don’t blame this on romance. You called me out on that once, and I’m doing it now to you. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about romance. This is about you and whatever you’re afraid of.”
A thousand replies surfaced, then dissipated. I couldn’t keep up with all the little pieces of my broken heart. JJ ran a hand through his hair. The anguish in his eyes only fortified my resolve.
If it was this hard to bear now, wouldn’t it be worse later?
“Lizbeth, I—”
“Please,” I whispered. “Please don’t. JJ, this is the only gift I can give you right now. Please take it. Let go of me so I don’t break us later when there’s so much more to lose.”
He stared at me, then nodded once. “Fine.”
My breath trembled when I sucked it in. “Thank you. I’m ... I’m so sorry.”
Then he was gone.
The crunch of his boots in the snow faded. I stood in the middle of my cabin until my knees gave out. It felt like someone had picked up my snow-globe world and shaken it. Disoriented, I struggled to stand in the same world, the same place, but a rapidly changing environment. The pieces would eventually settle, but not into the same spots. No, it was different now.
