Page 105 of Lovesick
I sobbed. I couldn’t help it. Bethany reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders. The puzzle pieces fit together a little too well.
“She broke me,” I cried. “She shoved romance and love into my world and told me to believe in them. Now look at me!”
“Yes, let’s look at you.” She stood back, holding me at arm’s length. “You are a beautiful, functioning college graduate. You can code faster than I think, and you have a successful future ahead of you. You have a family that loves you and will do anything to make sure you’re fed and safe.”
My lips trembled. “I didn’t get the Pinnable job.”
“Good.”
“Good?”
“Yes. That was too far away. You’d have been miserable. I selfishly just wanted to keep you close, too, but that wasn’t why I didn’t want you to get the job. You struggled with homesickness so much in college. You never wanted to be far away from us.”
“That’s true.” I sniffled. “You’re right.”
“It’s been quite a month. Your car is gone, so is your home and all the books you loved. That really sucks. You’ve lost what you thought was your dream job, and even after working at an impressive hourly wage, still have to pay down some debt. So you don’t have enough money to buy some reliable independence back. Am I still on the right track?”
“Yes.” Another tear trickled down my cheek. My voice cracked as I sucked in a deep breath. “I loved working for Mark. I loved Adventura. I want to go back. Bethie, what if I’ve messed everything up?”
“It’s not too late for love. Which is fortunate, because you’re in love with JJ Bailey.”
I scoffed.
She glared at me, one finger raised. “Hey! Don’t turn cynic on me now, Lizbeth. You didn’t grow up your entire life believing in love just to let it go the first time it tests you. Don’t you dare try to deny it. You love him, Lizbeth. You always have. That lovesick expression on your face has only gotten worse.”
She was right. Brutally right. For all my declarations of being a romantic, I’d given up on it the moment the darkness descended. And I did love him, which made this even worse.
“You’re right,” I mumbled. “I do love him.”
“Things have been tough for you lately, and I’m sorry that you’ve lost so much. But can you see it?” she asked. “Can you see how loved and blessed you are?”
It took the rest of my courage to meet her eyes. How hadn’t I seen it? How could I have been such a fool? I had so much that Mama had never had.
I nodded.
“Good.” She dropped her arms back to her side. “Now, get all the ugly out. Tell me the hard stuff with JJ.”
With a wobbly voice, I obeyed her command. From start to finish, we stood in the wreckage while I laid every moment out. All the time with JJ at Adventura. The small touches. His warm gaze. The sense of betrayal in his eyes when I tried unsuccessfully to explain why I wasn’t good for him. My fear of being like Mama. Of turning JJ into Dad.
And finally, I heard myself say it.
“I don’t want to end up alone, Bethie,” I whispered. Fat, hot tears dropped down my cheeks. “If I end up like Mama, I’ll be alone. I just want someone to love me. I just want to know they’ll always love me.” A sob broke through my words. “That’s what I’m most afraid of. That’s what Grace meant.”
Bethie wrapped me tight in her arms, so tight I couldn’t breathe, and I still tried to hold her tighter. Then I sobbed, venting all the ugly that had built up inside. She held me as I cried. Deep, cleansing sobs wrenched out from a painful place I didn’t know existed. The pain, so encompassing, shook my very core. I held onto Bethany for fear I’d drown. All the fear of being Mama. All the terror of never knowing love. All the years of fearing that I’d end up alone, unloved.
Just the way Mama had entered the world. The way she’d lived most of her life. And the way she’d left it. She’d died alone in her car after revealing her plan to leave her second husband for another man. That wasn’t real love.
Bethany’s strength didn’t falter. She held me through it all. At the end of my emotional venting, I pulled away. Her thumbs wiped the tears off my cheeks.
“Wow, Lizbeth,” she said softly. “You needed that.”
A pause swelled between us. I felt thickheaded, like too much emotion had come out of me at once and left an empty shell behind.
Tears shone in her eyes. “You will never be alone,” she whispered huskily. “You will never,everbe unloved. Not ever. So tell that frightened little girl inside you that she is safe, loved, and at home. There is nothing for her to fear again. You hear me? You. Are. Loved.”
I nodded and whispered, “I love you, too, Bethie.”
“Can we get something straight?” she asked, hands on my cheeks. I braced myself, because she’d switched to her sister-mama voice.
