Page 97 of Coffee Shop Girl
The cemetery lay in a patch of sunshine.
I crouched next to Dad’s headstone, only a few paces away from Pappa’s. Mama had been cremated, her ashes scattered to the river, the way she’d always wanted. A small stone tribute to her sat on Jim’s property. Their neighbor had made it, his face tear-streaked when he brought it to her viewing.
Ironically enough, likely that was the neighbor who was Ellie’s biological father.
For Dad, I’d chosen a massive headstone with a river carved into it, hints of fish in the peaked waves. The edges pressed into my fingertip as I traced each letter.
A dry, hot breeze brushed over my neck. I situated myself next to him, staring at the curves of his name.Daniel David Beecham.Talking to his headstone had never been a problem for me. I often came, spinning out yarns, laughing over memories, letting my cracked heart loose. Sometimes, on the slow days, it was the only real conversation I had.
Today, the words nearly stuck in my throat.
“I think I made a huge mistake, Dad. Huge. Boomer mistake, as you’d put it.”
My jaw tightened as I thought about Maverick. Dad would have loved him. If Dad had ever met Maverick, he would have taken him from me. Between them, I never would have gotten a word in edgewise. The thought made me smile, but it quickly faded.
“I willingly fell for a guy who couldn’t stay. I knew that. I knew he couldn’t stay, but I let myself fall for him anyway. Maybe I was just that lonely. I rarely get hugs anymore, which is kind of my fault. I could find them. Millie would. Jada would. Stephanie would give me a hug, if I let her know I needed one. Kin would, even if that would get weird. But maybe it was desperation.”
I gazed out over the low, aging gravestones to the forest beyond. A wrought iron fence circled this quiet place, just outside Pineville limits, inside the fold of the mountains. No one else was here but me. In the weeks since Maverick left, I’d questioned myself relentlessly.
Why?
Why had I let myself fall into him?
Why did I keep asking for heartbreak?
Had I been fair to Maverick?
There had definitely been some desperation.Touch has always been your love language,Lizbeth had said when she’d stayed up late to hash this out with me. The way a sister would.I’ll give you more hugs from now on. You need them.
In the end, I could see that Maverick had done me a favor. I hadn’t been ready for him. I’d been desperate for him. Eventually, it would have broken us up.
“I’ve asked myself if it was just desperation that led me so quickly into Maverick’s arms. If it had been any other man, would I have done the same thing? But ... I don’t think so. I think I know why I did it.” A tear trickled down my face. “Because he reminded me of you. He was on my team. He sparked life back into me when I’d felt dead for so many months. He made me feel safe, and seen, and alive. I haven’t had any of those things since you died.”
I sniffled, turning to rest my head on my bent knees. “And now he’s gone, and I’m sad. I only knew him for a few weeks but ... it was still so real, Dad. So real for me. How many times can a heart break?”
The breeze rustled overhead again. I stopped breathing to listen. No words came. No representation of Dad appeared. Half of me had hoped for it. The other half thought I’d finally lost my sanity. The mounting pressure had broken my brain.
I blinked, then touched his name again.
“I’ll be fine,” I whispered. “Eventually. I always am. But that’s not the only reason I came here today. I, uh ... have a confession. No, I’m not pregnant.” My lips twitched. “So, don’t ask. I ... changed the Frolicking Moose. It’s been changing a lot, in fact. The fish are gone. Like, we buried them.” The admission came out like a gasp. “Please don’t haunt me.”
Another stir of wind, gentle on my cheek. I laughed and wiped two tears away.
“The scones are gone, too, and Lizbeth painted the walls. I was fine with that. The place really did smell like fish, you know. I gave all your lures to Ellie. Because, honestly, Dad. Fish and coffee? That justsoundsdisgusting. She’ll live up to your lures. She’ll keep you going that way, won’t she?
“Oh, and I maybe—but definitely did—sell the motorcycle. I’m also going to rent the attic of the Frolicking Moose out. Not sure if anyone will take it . . . but I’ll try. Jada is letting us live in her basement until I can save up to get my real estate license. I’ve decided to push all our profits toward that once I get new school wardrobes for the girls. Kinoshi and I have filed for custody of the girls. He’s taken us on as a pro bono case, if you can believe that.”
A fluttering feeling moved through me. Quick. Light. How had I been so blind all this time? I thought I had been alone after Dad died, but my team had always been around me. Millie. Jada. Kinoshi. Even Stephanie, at the restaurant. Hadn’t she constantly brought me free meals? Jada gave me twenty bucks for a single coffee all the time. Millie brightened my day, sometimes stopping in to talk for an hour. Now Lizbeth and Ellie. I wasn’t alone then ... neither would I be now.
I had a team. And they had me.
“So ... just waiting on word after the filing,” I whispered, my throat thick with emotion. “Not sure what Jim will say, if anything. No sign of him yet, which is encouraging. I think we have a chance. I know it’s what you would have done, too.”
The usual stir of pain didn’t pierce my chest. Just a hollow emptiness lived there now. Maybe that was better than the pain. Maybe it was nothing. But I had a feeling it was progress.
“By doing all of this, though, I feel like I’ve disappointed you. Like I’ve failed you by letting you go. By changing your dream into my own thing. By erasing you from my life by selling or removing all your things.”
Another deranged giggle burst out of me.This is the horrible feeling that Maverick must be avoiding.Disappointing someone you love so deeply.
