Page 90 of Of Literature and Lattes
“When?” she called after him as he reached the downstairs hallway.
“Someday.”
Chapter 40
Alyssa heard the front door open. By the light of the corner streetlamp she saw her mom step onto the porch. Janet paused in the dark, and Alyssa wondered if her mom could see her tucked into the porch swing.
“I’m here,” she said.
Janet turned to face her daughter. “I saw your car out back, but you didn’t come inside.”
“I wasn’t ready to come in, and it’s nice out here... I went to Mirabella.”
“How is Lexi?” Janet crossed the porch and perched in the chair next to the swing. Alyssa shrugged away the feeling of loss. It was mingled with regret and tinged with responsibility. She knew, if given the choice, her mom would have sat beside her.
“She was too busy to talk. I didn’t want to anyway. I just wanted to be...”
“Someplace safe?” Janet interjected.
“Something like that.” Alyssa pushed her foot against the porch floorboards and set the swing into motion.
“What happened today? It’s more than what you said.”
Alyssa looked at her mom.
“It felt personal,” she added.
Alyssa stayed silent.
Janet talked on, unfazed. “I blew up at your dad tonight. I called off the wedding.”
“You didn’t.” Alyssa shot straight up.
“I did. Then I went to his apartment and we talked some more and it’s back on. But do you know what he said when I called it off?”
Alyssa shook her head again.
“He told me to ‘figure it out’ and to stop using him as a safety net. Then he asked who’d flipped out on me, you or Grandma. Those were his two choices. All these years...” Janet laughed, a short, sad sound. “Part of me is annoyed he never let me in on it before, and part of me is stunned he figured out what I never could. But maybe I was too close to see. And I probably would have attacked him for even suggesting it.”
She sat back and Alyssa noted her head tilt up to the porch ceiling.
“I’ve spent the past five months trying to make amends, ask for forgiveness, and experience all that grace, joy, and good stuff I know exists. You weren’t around last February, but I hit rock bottom—which was a new low because I thought I’d hit rock bottom the night your dad left... Anyway, as I said, I’ve spent the past five months imagining a new way to live, but never once did I take a step back to recognize I would, despite my best intentions, keep making mistakes—daily—nor did I examine what ran, like an underground river, beneath certain situations and certain relationships. Currents that needed to change.”
Janet leaned forward and dropped her focal point to Alyssa. “They change tonight.” She let the sentence settle between them before continuing. “And while I hope you’ll stick around and get to know me, and let us change this dynamic between us, you’re an adult. You should move to where you want, work where you choose, and know you will always be welcome here. You will always be loved here. You are my daughter, and despite how you have ever felt, I was always on your side. Most of the time I had no idea how to best show you, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t true. However...”
She paused, and Alyssa felt herself lean forward in anticipation.
“No blaming me for your choices any longer. They are yours. You get to own them. So if you stay, stay. If you leave, run toward something. Don’t run away convincing yourself I drove you to it. And if you want to talk, I’ll ask you once again... What happened today?”
“I can’t... I can’t talk about it.”
“Okay, then.” Janet stood and stepped toward her. Alyssa detected the notes of jasmine and lily she’d caught in her mom’s studio that day. She breathed deeper and felt herself unfurl with the promise of sunlight, hope, and summer—everything Janet’s perfume held within it.
Her mom kissed her forehead. “I love you, sweetheart. Good night.”
The porch’s wooden planks creaked as Janet stepped toward the door. The screen screeched slightly at her pull. Time was running out...
“I tried to rationalize it away, convince myself that what XGC did wasn’t as bad as, say, what Theranos did, but I was wrong. Maybe it was even worse. And I’m responsible for that. I was part of that. And look at me—a celiac who spent her career working predictive analytics against autoimmunes and didn’t catch her own. And I’ll be okay. But after what I did, some people will never be. Never.”
