Page 39 of Of Literature and Lattes
Janet felt her breath catch and focused on smoothing it out. Rather than face the tornado in front of her, she continued to unpack the grocery bag. Her heart, so full of hope during her drive home, dropped to her stomach with the realization that this was all there might ever be with Alyssa. After all, despite months of prayer and work, it still mirrored her relationship with her own mother. People didn’t change just because you had or because you wanted them to. She glanced at Alyssa, who now stood arms akimbo waiting for her answer.
Rather than answer any of Alyssa’s questions—they had a certain rude rhetorical flair about them anyway—Janet pointed to something on the far counter and crossed the kitchen. “Did you see these? I took them in for you. I should have shown you before I left, but I forgot.” She lifted one of the Jasper’s Garage uniform shirts. “You mentioned how horrible they were, but I thought if they fit better...” She spread the two shirts on the counter.
Alyssa stepped forward. “He was upset today that I wasn’t wearing one.”
“I’m sorry. I took them that first night and forgot to tell you they were here. Tell him it was my fault... And here, you won’t get in trouble for cutting anything.” She turned one shirt inside out. “I simply took them in along the seam lines and sewed the fabric down. I can pull it out super easy when or if you hand them back in.”
“I’m not going to work there forever, Mom.”
Janet didn’t reply.
Alyssa shook her head, still focused on the shirts. “You don’t need to apologize. It wasn’t your fault. Until today I hadn’t planned to wear them, but now— How’d you do this?”
“It was easy,” Janet laughed. “You probably don’t remember this, but I used to sew some of your clothes when you were really young. You had some great little dresses.”
“There was one with a clown.”
“Your Silly Dress. That’s what you called it. It was royal blue with a little white collar, and I embroidered a clown on the front. It took me a whole week to design and create him.” She pressed her hand to her chest, right where the clown would have been on the dress. “You loved it. You wore that every day to your two-year-olds class at the church preschool.”
“I’ve seen the pictures.” Alyssa held up one of the newly tailored uniform shirts. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Alyssa put down the shirt, visibly flustered, and checked her phone. “I’m late for dinner. I’ve got to go.” She headed for the door.
Janet inhaled behind her. She wanted to protect her daughter, and she was also tired of hearing where she’d gone wrong. Yet she wanted Alyssa to spend time with her grandma and enjoy it. “Perhaps don’t talk too long about XGC tonight.”
Alyssa spun on her, face aflame. “You have got to be kidding me. Fine. I wouldn’t want to embarrass you, but when they haul me off to jail, please let her know where I’ve gone. I doubt you’ll be able to sweep that under the rug.”
“Stop it. You’re not going to jail. I simply meant she’s been following it and she’s been upset. I was trying to help you, warn you, I don’t know... She just isn’t easy sometimes.”
Pressure built in Janet’s sinuses, her eyes, her nose. Five minutes home with Alyssa and they were back at square one. Where was all that peace Father Luke talked about? She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’m sorry I said anything. Forgive me.”
She watched Alyssa return to her aggressive cross-armed stance and, for the first time, saw the defensive nature of her posture. Janet wondered if she had misread her daughter and for how long.
“Stop saying you’re sorry.”
Janet felt her eyes widen and lowered her hand from her nose.
“You never say it for years and now you don’t stop. It’s fake. I don’t believe you, and it makes me feel like I don’t know you, like I never did. You always said I was the one overreacting, being too sensitive, and needing to grow up, get a grip, or move on. It was never you. You were never in the wrong. And now you say you’re sorry, about everything. I never did anything right, wore anything right, or said anything right. Why apologize now? Why are you changing the rules? You can’t just do that, Mom.”
“I’m sorry. I mean... you’re right. You don’t know me.” Janet reached out as Alyssa stepped back, but she dropped her hand inches from contact. “I didn’t know me. Whatever I just said, about XGC, about anything, forget it and give me a chance to explain.”
Alyssa didn’t say anything, but she didn’t run either.
“I couldn’t breathe most of your childhood, and it wasn’t you or Chase or your father. It was me. I was the one who needed to stop overreacting, being too sensitive, get a grip, and all those things you said. I wanted to be good enough for you. It wasn’t that you were never good enough for me, and I’m so sorry I made you feel that way. It was me. Always me. I didn’t do, wear, or say anything right—ever. And the things I loved to do... They were wrong and frivolous and irresponsible and—”
She stopped herself and swiped a hand against her nose. “I sound so self-centered.” She sputtered a wet laugh. “You always did say it was always about me, but not like you think... It was never like that.”
Alyssa stood in front of her. She still said nothing. Janet wasn’t sure what to do with that, but she also knew she had to give up trying to force a “fix” between them. Some things were never meant to be in her control.
“I love you, b—” Janet stopped and swallowed. “And. I love youandI want you here, but this...” She flapped her hand between them. “It’s a roller coaster and it isn’t going to work. It’s not what you need right now, not after all you’ve been through. I’ll buy a mattress and have it delivered to your dad’s apartment. He wanted you to live here, for my sake, and for yours too, I think. He believes there is something between us worth saving, but not like this. I’m only causing you pain.”
Alyssa shook her head. But Janet didn’t take it as disagreement. It looked more like her daughter was clearing away all the discordant words and notes in her head. The cacophony she had put there.
“I’ve followed you, by the way, as best I could, searching the internet for all that happened with XGC, peppering your dad with questions because you wouldn’t talk to me, wondering if you were okay, wondering if you were scared or lonely, or needing help or simply a hug. I didn’t know about all the interviews or the companies. I didn’t know jail was an option for you. I hope that’s not true.”
Alyssa didn’t reply, so she continued. “But I did know about Jasper’s. He’s a wonderful man and you can learn a lot from him, maybe even a little about cars too.” She smiled.
