Page 114 of Sway's Peace
And that’s why he didn’t want to stay. It’s why, even when he felt like he was connecting with his roots, with his people, he felt no call to become one of them.
Because he wasn’t one of them. He was…
He was still a monster.
Sway’s smile faded as he stared at the ground.
The memories were there again. They always were. Just sitting there, haunting the back of his mind, just waiting for his attention to wander, his defenses to drop, so they could force themselves on him and remind him that he did not deserve peace.
“How do you do it?”
“Hm?” Loyalty cocked his head. “Do what?”
“How do you live as a monster?”
Loyalty didn’t respond immediately. He looked Sway over carefully for a long time before eventually saying-
“I don’t apologize for it.”
Sway frowned. He honestly expected another protest. For Loyalty to rage against the universe that classified him as thus. To insist he wasn’t one. Sway wanted to know how he was supposed to fight against that label. He wanted some secret for refusing to let himself be called that. Pride or determination orsomething.
But Loyalty was just accepting. Not resigned. Not even begrudging.
“Your people don’t apologize tomefor being monsters,” he pointed out. “They aren’t apologizing to you, and you’re the one they’re being the most monstrous towards.”
“They aren’t…”
Loyalty’s grin grew.” They aren’t monsters, right? That’s just what I’m calling them because that’s how I see them. But can’t Isay the same about them? They’re calling me a monster because that’s how they see me. And sure, public opinion probably agrees with them more than me, but not to the people whose opinions I actually care about.
“Besides,” he chuckled, “what’s so bad about being their monster anyway?”
Sway’s heart skipped a beat. “What?”
Loyalty leaned back, the glow from his quills intensifying with the pressure. “These kinds of people are the worst kind. Disloyal. Hypocritical. Cruel. If I am to be a monster, I’d rather be their monster. A monster against those who would hurt and exile the people that really matter to me. And so what if I’m a monster? It’s better to be a monster. No one can hurt those I love.”
So what if he was a monster…
The words rang out in Sway’s head, like they’d struck a particularly loud and resonant bell, sending waves through him.
So what if he was a monster?
Tanin and Vytln and Sorbet, Tebros. His brothers never once apologized for the things they did. For the people they hurt. Rok and Trove never bemoaned those they harmed while protecting others. Even Alred, for all that he was a computer program, was just as much of a killer as the others. Just as much of a monster.
They didn’t try to deny it. They didn’t try to resist it.
Sure, Tanin had a rule against killing without permission, but that wasn’t because he had some kind of moral hesitancy against killing. It was only because if they were out here committing murders as they pleased, it would be harder to maintain their freedom.
But it was always an option. It was always a tool for them to grab when necessary.
They were monsters.
And his brothers.
He had been hiding behind their monstrosity. Using them as weapons to maintain his pacifism exactly as Veesway used the domini and their justifications of exile and death by nature. He didn’t try to stop them. He didn’t claim to be superior to his crew for not murdering others, and he felt absolutely no qualms about them doing so.
Sway had been clinging to the idea of pacifism. Not because any part of him still believed in it, but because it was the only part of his old identity he could reclaim. His parents, his past, his body, even his name – all of that was lost. Eefwan the innocent would never again walk this world. Trying to reclaim his pacifism was a fool’s errand. One Tanin offered him, and one he accepted, for the sole reason that they thought it was what he should want.
But what if he were a monster?
