Page 89 of Sway's Peace
But he wouldn’t tolerate anyone questioning Grace.
“She’s very nice,” Veesway said. “She’s treated everyone with respect. She’s eager to learn. I cannot blame you for your choice. Especially since you’ve been gone so long. It only makes sense that your tastes in females would reflect that. But are you sure of her?”
Sway’s eyes narrowed on him. “What does that mean?”
“Nothing like that,” he assured him quickly. “I only mean… outsiders are different from us. They don’t easily adapt to a life of pacifism. It’s not their fault entirely. Not when violence and aggression are so prevalent elsewhere. But it can be hard. Our way of life can seem strict, even overly so. But it is all the more important that we maintain our adherence to our beliefs in the face of the cruelty of the outside universe.”
Sway understood what he was saying. The moment their people opened themselves up to the wider universe, they also opened their way of life to attack – literally and metaphorically. Non-violence wasn’t an easy stance to maintain. The greedy, the malevolent, the wicked, the opportunists would always try to take advantage of such a thing.
When under such pressure, they only had two options. Either give up the pacifism, or cling to it that much harder. There were some species that, though once pacifistic in nature, surrendered it when they joined the Coalition because it was easier.
The farasie did not. They strived to maintain it even more. They became harsher in their adherence and in their judgement of those who didn't follow it perfectly.
Sway supposed that made him even more demented compared to the rest of his kind.
“Grace will do fine,” he finally said. And it was true. She had already given up everything she knew to adapt to another culture, another lifestyle. She could do it again if need be, and it would probably be easier the second time.
Honestly, Sway was the one having problems remembering he was a pacifist now. Especially lately, when anything occurred in relation to her.
“And I will welcome her as a daughter with open arms,” Veesway said seriously, stepping forward, into Sway’s view. “I mean it, Eefwan. If that is what is holding you back from me, then do not let it concern you. Honestly, she is a lovely female, and I’m just glad she has brought you back to me. I will do anything to make her one of us and make this transition easier for you.”
Sway winced. The raw pain he heard in his father’s voice wasn’t easy to bear. The sharp edge of guilt cut him. He hadn’t exactly been subtle about his discomfort being here, but he hadn’t thought that Veesway would confront him with it so directly.
“Eefwan…” Veesway’s crest was low, his expression sad.
“It’s been… a long time,” Sway finally said, his voice halting and uncertain. “It’s difficult for me to feel like I belong here.”
“You are not the only one.” Veesway looked out over the people. “Look at them. I think about a third of these people are ones that I have rescued. Farasie that were in trouble that we managed to save. Some go back to Hov Awee immediately, but others linger here. Healing. Needing time to rest before they can face our home planet again. And some of them never leave. This place is peaceful. A paradise. And those of us who live here know what it’s like to see the horrors of the outside world and survive it. Youare not alone, my son. Your feelings are not wrong or abnormal or bad.”
Sway frowned, surprised to hear that reassurance. And somehow, actually, it struck something in him. “They’re… not?”
“No.” Veesway turned, taking him by the shoulders. Grasping onto the soft question like it was a lifeline being tossed out to him. “You have gone through something terrible. It’s only natural that something like that would change you. Make you cautious and uneasy, even around your own people. Sometimes, when people are hurt, they lash out at others. Even the ones trying to help them. They’re not really rejecting the help. They’re just trying to protect themselves. And that is where you are at, my son. You aren’t rejecting us. You’re closed off and defensive, and that isnormal.”
It was…?
This sense of disconnect, this feeling of being out of place, this was… normal?
“There are those like you that come here. They feel like they can never be like us again. They even feel like theyaren’tone of us any longer. Sometimes, they even had to commit violence in order to protect themselves.” Veesway whispered the last like it was some horrible crime. Then grimaced. “I will not say it’s okay, because violence is a terrible thing. But we understand. We help them forgive themselves. We help them heal. Wewelcomethem. As we have done to you. As we will continue to do to you.”
Welcome him. Like they had when an entire group of his people had met him at the ship, singing a song of homecoming and joy at his return – though he didn't know them at all. It was why everyone he met was always so quick to treat him with kindness and happiness. They weren’t being overly nice to disguise theirtrue intentions. They were being overly nice to prove to him that theywerenice.
Actually, Sway understood this better than he thought Veesway intended.
When he joined up with Tanin and they started going around collecting the others, it hadn’t been easy to bring them all together. They made the choice to trust each other, but being vulnerable andactuallytrusting each other was very difficult in practice.
Vytln, fresh from the fighting rings, had refused to sleep if they were near him. The twins used to threaten him every time he looked at them. Trove would never let his weapon out of his hand, much less out of his sight. Even Sway, for all that he relied on Tanin’s promise that he wouldn’t need to be violent again had still kept his claws on at all times. He slept lightly and he was ready in a moment to cut someone down.
They were used to danger, used to threats, even from those that claimed to be allies. It took years for those habits to die down. And they only died slowly. Nowadays, the twins were almost friendly sometimes. Trove could be completely unarmed around them. All of them would trust the others to keep watch while they slept. That was a big deal for them. Sleep was such a vulnerable state, and relying on someone else to not harm you, to actually protect you, in that state was very hard.
The gradual loss of that sense of distrust, the ability to relax, the feeling of safety around his crew, had not come quickly or easily.
But it was, Sway was realizing now, a very isolated thing. It only applied to his crew. In any other situation, around any other people, he would be on guard again. While he no longer carrieda weapon, on his person, he didn't really need to so long as they were there.
He wasn’t rejecting his father because he didn't like him or the others.
He was treating him like a stranger – with distrust and unease.
The problem wasn’t them. It was him. It had always been him.
