Page 216 of Falling for You
My coffee cup starts to shake in my hands.
‘I love your mom,’ she says slowly. ‘She’s my best friend, and I’d like to keep her in my mind how she’s always been. Not how she is now.’ My mouth falls open. ‘You may think that’s selfish,’ she continues, reading my mind. ‘But it is my choice.’
‘Even though you know it will make her really happy to see you? Even though she’s asked for you?’ I say, my voice shaking.
She looks out through the window and I feel a wall go up between us. I get to my feet. ‘Right,’ I say. ‘Fine. Sorry I bothered you.’
I walk straight out of the door and back onto the chilly street, the words that have been swirling round my brain now hammering at my heart.
Why did I even bother coming to London?
I push my way into the flat. The icy rain has seeped through my jacket, clinging to my curly hair and running over my face. I’ve been in London for over a month now, and I still don’t remember to take an umbrella anywhere.
‘Hey Nate?’
I hear Stevie’s voice from the living room. We’ve barelyspoken since our fight, but as soon as I see him I am overtaken by a feeling of needing to protect my younger brother. He’s sitting on the sofa, and I wrap my arms around his neck from behind and give him a squeeze. He pats my arm non-committally.
‘You all right?’ he asks. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Nothing,’ I say, letting him go. ‘You were right about Aunt Tell, though. She is a dick.’ He raises his eyebrows, waiting for me to continue, but I walk to the kitchen and open the fridge. ‘Do you want a beer?’
‘Go on, then.’
I grab two cans and hand one to Stevie, before flopping down on the armchair opposite him. The TV is flickering, blaring some antiques show that Stevie seems to love.
‘You know, you could have saved some time if you’d listened to me in the first place,’ he says, clicking open his beer. ‘I did tell you she was a dick.’
I sigh. ‘Yeah well, call me an idiot.’
‘I’d rather call you an optimist,’ Stevie says kindly and I soften. He holds his beer can towards me and we knock them together.
‘Why do you hate her, then?’ I ask. ‘You’ve never told me.’
He shrugs. ‘I don’t know, man. She’s just not like the rest of our family. She’s so selfish and self-absorbed. Like, every time I had a friend round from college she’d put on a show for us, but she never cared if I needed real help. She only cared about herself.’
I nod. ‘I can see that.’
‘I’m worried I’m like her.’
His eyes are still fixed on the TV.
‘Like her?’ I repeat. ‘Stevie, you—’
‘I know I’m selfish,’ he says, still not making eye contact with me. ‘I’m not like you and Mom – you’re both so kind and generous. I’m trying to be better, though. I know you’re angry with me.’
I press my lips together.
‘For what it’s worth, I’m angry with you, too.’
‘Angry at me!’ I burst out incredulously. ‘What for?’
He sighs. ‘You’ll tell me it’s stupid.’
‘Well, that depends what it is.’
He swigs on his beer and sits up straighter. ‘I’m jealous of all the time you got to spend with Mom and Dad while I’ve been here. Every time I joined a call with you all or saw a picture of how happy you all were together … it made me so homesick. I’d have come every weekend if I was able to, but my school was so intense and even after then, I didn’t have the money to come home more than once a year. And then Mom got sick and I just …’
He rubs the top of his head roughly and I feel a weight drop through me.
