Page 347 of Releasing 10
Because I had to look.
I had to see what I had done to this boy.
The boy I loved with every beat of my heart.
Regret churned inside of me and instantly, I began to doubt myself.
What the hell was I doing?
I couldn’t hurt him like this.
You already hurt him, a voice in my head hissed,you broke him.
The only person who ever truly loved you, warts and all.
You crushed him.
“It didn’t mean anything,” I tried to tell him, but I felt so fucking dirty and undeserving. “I don’t know why I did it.” Pushing his legs apart, I scrambled between them, clutching his big body tightly. “You mean the world to me.”
Wrapping my arms around his narrow hips, I pressed my face to his stomach, inhaling the smell of him, needing to feel his skin on mine. Needing to keep this boy in my life.
But it was too late for that.
His touch told me that.
With his shoulders limp and his head bowed, he battled with his hand until he finally allowed it to rest on the back of my head. It was more than I deserved in this moment.
I had broken him; this bright, beautiful, brave soul had been reduced to broken pieces.
They were scattered all over his bedroom floor.
He couldn’t take me back, not even if he wanted to.
Because his pride would never allow for it.
I wanted to clean up my image and not be a humiliation to him every damn day, but I was still me. I couldn’t erase my past. I was used up and dirty. I always had been. There was no way of fixing that. There was no magic spell to eradicate my memories.
Knowing that I’d given my body to a boy I couldn’t bear to remember made me want to hold my breath forever.
It made me want to peel the skin from my bones.
Shame.
That was all I was left with.
LEAVING LIKE A FATHER
Hugh
NOVEMBER 20, 2003
I’D LONG SINCE ACCEPTED THE KNOWLEDGE THATIWOULD ALWAYS LOVELIZZIEYoung.
My heart didn’t have an eject button; therefore, she would never lose her place inside of it.
She just had to change spots if I ever found someone else.
If I ever dared to open myself up to that kind of love again.
