Page 306 of Releasing 10
My mind went completely blank, and I couldn’t think of a single thing to say in response.
Because I forgot.
Because I lied.
Because I broke my promise.
“But that’s not all you’ve been hiding from me, is it?” Standing up, he strode over to his desk and grabbed myschoolbag. Returning to my side, he thrust my bag on my lap before instructing me to “take them out.”
Panic filled me.
I was staying at his place for the weekend, and he knew that meant Mam packed my entire prescription. “Hugh.”
“Take them out, Liz,” he repeated sternly. “Take them out right now, or I’m taking you home and we’re talking to your parents.”
“No, no, no, please don’t do that.”
“Thentakethem out.”
A deep shudder of revulsion washed over me, and I quietly did as he asked.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered when I handed over the bottle. “I thought it would be okay.”
Hugh didn’t respond.
Instead, he unscrewed the lid on my pill bottle and tipped the entire contents into one hand.
Full of shame, I waited in silence as he counted every pill before popping them back into the bottle. “How long have you been off your meds?”
“Just a few weeks,” I squeezed out, feeling my eyes water. “When they changed the dose, it made my brain feel foggy and sluggish, so I just—”
“You just decided to come off them without medical observationagainand to hell with the consequencesagain,” Hugh deadpanned.
My tears spilled over, and I tried to plead my case. “You don’t understand how they make me feel.”
“I understand what happens when you don’t take them,” he snapped, emotions rising right along with his voice. “I understand the last time you did this, you almostdied.” His eyes filled with tears and his chest heaved as he continued to shout, “I had to cut you down from a makeshift noose, Liz! You spentsix weeks in a goddamn hospital bed. Why would you eventhinkabout coming off your meds again?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I strangled out, quickly moving for him. “I don’t know what I was thinking or if I was even thinking to begin with. I just…I just…”
“You justwhat, Liz?” he demanded, looking broken. “What did you think was going to happen?”
“I didn’t think,” I choked out, feeling too much right now. “That’s the point.”
“I’m not going through this with you every time you decide you’re cured,” he warned, shaking his head. “There’s no cure, Liz, but thereistreatment, so let yourself be fucking treated!”
“I just wanted to be normal, okay!” I screamed, tears flowing freely down my face. “I just wanted a fucking shot at being like every other person our age who doesn’t have to ram pill after fucking pill down their throat in order to function!” Feeling myself slip, I fisted my hair and tugged, needing the physical anguish to distract my mind from the very real meltdown brewing. “I don’t want to live my life like this. A fucking guinea pig for psychiatrists to try different treatments on.”
“Liz, come here.” Hugh tried to coax me, moving for me with his arms extended. “It’s okay, baby, we’ll handle this.”
“No, no, no—don’t do that.” I shook my head and backed away from him. “Don’t hold me when you’re mad at me, Hugh, because I know it’ll be out of pity!”
“Well, that’s too fucking bad,” he snapped, closing the space between us and roughly pulling me into his arms. “Because I’m never not going to hold you, Liz.”
I’M GOING DOWN SWINGING
Lizzie
OCTOBER 19, 2003
