Page 298 of Releasing 10
Taking her medicine.
It was never real!
Being a good girl for the monster.
No, no, no! It’s not real! Don’t you ever think about that again!
A hoarse sob ripped from my throat, and I quickly smacked the photos away from my body, desperate to get clean.
You know you’re a bad person.
You were a bad child, too.
Filthy little girl.
All those urges.
You are bad.
You shouldn’t be here.
You are a mistake.
You are a liar!
I knew the monster was swallowing me up in his belly again, but I couldn’t chase him off this time. Unraveling, I lost my grip, too weary to hold on.
Let go, busy Lizzie bee.
Close your eyes and just let go.
When I did, when I finally stopped fighting against it and let the voices swallow me up, I felt nothing at all.
And it was wonderful.
A STORM IS COMING
Hugh
SEPTEMBER 9, 2003
THERE WAS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITHLIZ.
I couldn’t pinpoint the trigger for the sudden and drastic shift in her mood. Every time I tried to bring it up, she either flew off the handle or her clothes flew off. She was deep in the throes of rapid cycling, and I was petrified of one of those highs sticking because a manic Liz was terrifying.
The last time I’d seen her this out of control, she’d tried to hang herself with a fucking horse rein. That wasn’t a period in my life I cared to think about because I was still traumatized by it. I had vivid memories of her wild, black eyes staring through me as she balanced on the edge of the loft in one of her family’s barns and asked me to watch her fly.
She jumped that day, even when I begged her not to, even when I bawled like a fucking baby. She justlet goof life, and I ended up breaking my elbow when I climbed up the bales to cut her down.
There was a storm brewing inside of my girlfriend, and I was desperate to find a way tostophistory repeating itself.
I couldn’t make sense of why this was happening now, after having the best year of our lives since her sister passed away. For the first time in years, there was an air of stability and contentment to Liz that hadn’t been there before. Things had been going steady for over a year, her mood had stabilized afterher hospitalization in 2001, and aside from the odd hiccup or bad week, she was thriving.
That all changed the moment we returned to school. Within twenty-four hours, her entire personality had shifted. Liz didn’t return to school after her first day back, and when I tried to get in contact with her, all my calls and texts went unanswered.
When I biked over to her house the following evening to check in, every single window and door that offered access to the home had been locked and bolted.
This wasn’t overly concerning to me because I knew Mike and Catherine were in Tipperary for the week, attending a family funeral. On the contrary, I was relieved my girlfriend was taking her personal security seriously.
