Page 57 of Of Blood and Banes
He flinches, whipping toward me. “Kat? What are you doing here?”
I settle myself next to him, the rain splattering against us. He shrugs out of his jacket and holds it over my head.
I duck underneath it, glancing his way. “Thanks. I…”
My voice drops off when I observe his face. Strips of his muddied red hair hug his angled features. The rain slicks off his strong nose, off his bearded chin and down his corded throat. His lashes drip, his hazel eyes the only warmth in the blue-hued environment. Like the sun on a rainy day. And yet…a sadness lingers within them. A depth of longing and swirling agony. And just like that, I already know I’m the reason why.
“What?” he mutters, blinking rapidly and turning his face away from me, still holding his jacket over me to shield me from the rain.
I tilt my head to the side, trying to get a better look at his face. It looks like it wasn’t the rain wetting his cheeks and reddening his nose and eyes.
“Look at me,” I whisper.
The rain picks up in speed, hissing on the ground. He hesitates and slowly draws his face back to mine.
“What are you doing out here? You…” I sigh. “You hate the rain?”
His throat bobs as he swallows. “I do.”
“Then why are you out here?”
“Because I hate the rain.”
“I…I’m not following.”
He takes a deep inhale through his nose, allowing the jacket to rest on my head as he folds his hands into his lap. His angled brows lower over his lashes as he stares at his scarred fingers.
“I…” he laughs, though it doesn’t lessen the anguish in his face. “It sounds stupid. I could tear myself apart for you. But no matter how hard I might try, I can’t seem to tear myself away from you.”
I knit my eyebrows, still confused.
He tosses a glance my way, recognizes my confusion, and continues, “Every time it rained after I thought you died back in Padmoor, I was haunted by the memories of you. Of our first?—”
“Dance,” I breathe, realization flooding me.
We got caught in the Northern Forest in a torrential downpour years ago. Stuck with nothing but each other. He pulled me into his arms to warm me, and one thing after the next, we transformed into slow dancing as the rain sang a beat against the forest floor. Gods, it was…it was the most romantic moment I’d ever had in my life. Despite it being so fleetinganyone else would have thought that we were godsdamned crazy.
He nods, a small smile splitting his sad features. But the smile fades as quick as it appears. “And after you died, I’d return to the forest every time it rained. I’d sit at the river and think of you. I’d reflect on every last breath I shared with you. Every smile, every laugh, every kiss, and every touch. When I returned to the outpost, they never asked questions.”
Because when they looked at him—wet cheeks, runny nose, and reddened eyes—they might have thought it was from the rain. Not from tears.
He continues, “I had to hide my agony from losing you because I had to lead this squad. They couldn’t possibly know how much I was struggling. I hated the rain before I met you. But as I got to know you…as I fell in love with you…I began to love it. No matter how much it hurt me when you were gone. Because this is what I could have of you.” He motions out to the hazy forest. “The color of your eyes when you wore gray. I could sit and remember our times together for hours and not be disturbed. It was the closest I could feel to you…even if you were gone.”
Pulling a silent breath between my lips, I watch the rain streaming down his brow, his sharp cheekbones, his jaw. I reach out, rest a hand on his, and pull his attention lost on the river back to me.
“You’re engaged,” I remind him softly, nodding my head like it’ll also convince me our story is over. “Celeste is a lovely woman, and you’re promised to her.”
His jaw flexes, holding me in his gaze with a sincerity that stabs me in the chest. “I made that promise before I knew you were alive.”
“It doesn’t void it. Your word is your word?—”
“My word meansnothingif it’s not for you.” He huffs, searching my eyes. “I tried. I drafted hundreds of letters to her, trying to find the right words to express I could no longer marry her. And all I could write was I was meant for someone else. I was meant foryou. Marrying her would only hurt her. She deserves someone who will love her with everything they have. And I have nothing to give her. All I have left is blood and banes. Because every breath, beat, and part of what makes me, me, has already been given to you.”
“Cole…”
He shakes his head, his voice growing taut. “No. Don’t…please don’t say anything more. Not in that tone. Not unless you’re saying you’re still in love with me.”
I rub a thumb against the back of his hand; my throat constricts, overwhelmed by emotion. I have to break eye contact, looking down at our hands so I can force out the next words. “Maybe you need to let me go. Maybe you shouldn’t love me.”
