Page 153 of Of Blood and Banes
My lip begins to quiver, and my throat gets so unbearably tight it’s hard to swallow. Hard tobreathe. Tears edge along my vision, just waiting for the split second I break. I clamp my hand down tightly on the gloves as I stand, trying to shut out the torrent of emotions that rise and threaten to overtake me. But then the wave crashes, and I’m ripped under.
With a guttural scream, I throw the gloves at the ground before backhanding all the liquor bottles off the desk.
Arms wrap tightly around me, preventing me from causing further damage, and I’m pulled back from the desk as I cry and kick. I wriggle against Cole until he spins me around to face him, his calloused hands cradling my face as he scans my expression, his thumb brushing my cheek. “I am so,sosorry.”
He tugs me into a tight embrace. Squeezing like if he holds me tight enough, he might stop me from falling apart. A sob wracks my body, and I shake uncontrollably at the depth of sorrow and grief roaring over me. Like a hurricane flooding every valley of my mind, and all that’s left to do is drown.
He says nothing.
He just stands there, holding me tight, his hand rubbing my back in delicate slow strokes, allowing me to feel it all. And Gods, does it give me the slightest breath of air. To not feel so alone. To not force myself to feel okay. I heave with each sob,and just when I think we’re as close as we can be, he pulls me in more. Something about it breaks me further, and my legs begin to fail. I sink to the ground, and he follows me, still cradling me until we’re kneeling. I lean into him, burying my face against his shoulder, my tears spilling onto his shirt.
“I’m here,” he whispers. “I’m right here with you. And I’m not leaving.”
He turns and softly kisses the side of my head. He sways us back and forth slowly, rocking us as I fight for breath between my wails.
I stir when a knock sounds at my door. I’m lying on Cole’s chest, and the fingers pulling long strokes down my hair stop. Slowly, he edges out underneath me. When the bed lifts from when he gets off, I peek open my swollen eyes to see Cole strolling across the room. Another knock sounds as he reaches for the door, then opens it.
“She’s…she’s grieving right now,” Cole whispers, his head poking out between the door and doorframe, blocking my line of vision. “Can’t you give her some time?”
“We don’t have time,” Sethan snaps back in a tight whisper. “If we take any longer, we risk losing even more people. What then?”
“She’s still a person. She still has feelings,” Cole bites. “Let her grieve.”
“Let me in to talk to her,” Sethan commands.
Cole straightens and braces his arm against the side of the door. “No.”
His shoulder jerks back, as if pushed.
Cole’s voice dips to a dangerous warning, “I have a ‘you get to threaten me once without retaliation’ policy. After that, it’s on you what happens next. You’ll leave her alone until she is ready. Is that clear?”
Cole shuts the door without waiting for a response, and I squeeze my eyes back shut, feigning sleep. The bed dips under Cole’s weight as he sits down. When he whispers, I strain to hear it. “I am so sorry we couldn’t save her, my love…”
He brushes a hand gently through my hair, and his soft lips graze my forehead, lingering for one long moment before his touch disappears.
The next day, I wake alone in the bed and Cole returns with breakfast.
He sits on the edge of the mattress, lifting his tray toward me and setting it on my lap. “I brought you something to eat. Or...I could get you tea?” He shoves up to his feet, anxious to find something to alleviate my distress. “Maybe even?—”
“No,” I whisper. My throat is still raw, burning as I swallow. My gaze settles on the display of food in front of me, so carefully picked out. I begin to slide the tray off my legs. “Thank you, though. I’m not quite hungry.”
“Alright. We take it at your pace, okay?” he murmurs, dropping to his knees beside the bed, staring up at me through his dark lashes. “I do have something for you, though. Will you come take a walk with me?”
I nod, my chest heavy with emptiness. He has me slide to the edge, where he works socks onto my feet. He puts my boots on and laces them up my shins.
“Where’s Darian?” I croak, glancing over at the wall with the hooks.
“Gavin and Nolan kept him overnight, per my orders,” he says, eyes still fixed on my boots. He licks his thumb and wipes a spot of mud off the tip of my left shoe.
Was that because he didn’t like the thought of me alone with Darian? Or because he didn’t trust Darian after the outburst he had in the throne room yesterday?
Cole leads me out of Everden, taking the sideroads to avoid all the bustling main streets. I keep my gaze down on the ground, my gloveless hands in my pockets. Because I still can’t quite bring myself to wear her gloves.
Cole’s footsteps pause once we reach the forest, the distant Serahaven mountains hiding Vitalis stretching above the pine trees. Daeja stalks toward me and bumps her nose into my stomach until I rest a hand on her. Her sympathies roll off her like an unspoken promise.
When she pulls back from leaning into me, she lowers herself to the ground.
Cole turns to me, resting a hand on my shoulder as he offers me a small hint of a smile. “Go. Remember who you are.”
