Page 70 of The Christmas Express
‘You do? Why?’
‘I don’t know. I just think if I hadn’t pushed things, if I hadn’t initiated the kiss, nothing would have changed. I can’t risk everything again. She needs to feel safe to get her friends back.’
Joe lets out a snarf.
‘What?’ I ask him.
‘You talk about change like it’s a bad thing, but it’s just life, right? You can’t stop anything from ever changing.’ He pauses. ‘I know people think I’m passive and just walk away from problems, but that’s why. I know I can’t change people or change what’s going to happen, so I just let it go. I don’t know. It’s just how I am.’
I think he’s right. ‘I like how you are,’ I tell him.
‘Thanks, bud. So, do you regret it?’ Joe asks.
‘Regret what?’
‘Kissing her? Back then?’
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘Not at all. I would have regretted not kissing her.’
He holds his hands in the air. ‘You just gave yourself a good talking to, and I think you talked yourself into a new plan.’
Joe’s right. I stand up, steadying myself on the backrest, and make my way down past the other seats, past our other friends and the strangers who have joined us. My eyes are on Cali, who is frowning at Joss, and I want to kiss that frown away. I get closer, my heart thumping, my palms sweating, my mind, though full of thoughts of her, as clear as mountain air.
Chapter 37
Cali
It’s been five years since I’ve seen this guy, and now I struggle to focus on anything else when he’s out of sight again.
I don’t think I like that feeling for me.
So when he appears in front of me now, and his eyes immediately seek me out, I force my feet to stick to the ground rather than run straight over.
I’ve been fine on my own, actually. I swallow down my shallow breath. Yes, I’ve been lonely. Yes, it’s been a long time since I felt the comfort of a close friend or a confidant. But I’ve survived, right? I’ve carried on without him in my life just fine, thank you.
Haven’t I?
Luke pauses on the spot, reading me from a metre away, sensing, perhaps, the conflicts I’m feeling right now.
Beside me, Joss sighs and moves away. Good, I don’t want to talk to her any more.
Luke steps towards me, the colourful lights lighting up his skin as he moves, and I start to melt. Before anything else, before we fell into bed together all those years ago, before the disastrous holiday, before the years of silence, he was my friend, and I think I need him back.
He doesn’t say a word when he reaches me, just wraps his arms around my head in that hug that has always made me weak, and I push my face into his chest, smelling the woodsmoke and vanilla on his sweater, feeling his breath tousling my curls.
I put my arms around his torso, and the muscles of his back relax in my hold, like they always did.
One morning, all those years ago, our first morning waking up beside each other, the sun was streaming through my flat window. I slept with the curtains and windows open in the summertime, and a warm breeze was coming inside to say hello. Luke was asleep, face down, and I traced my fingers over the skin of his back. In that moment, everything felt right.
And now, as we stay pressed together, swaying to the Christmas music under the lights, he whispers to me, ‘I’m sorry, Cali.’
I pull my head back a little and meet his eyes. ‘I’m sorry too.’
‘I didn’t mean any of the things I said back then. It was never “nothing”.’
That word stabs at my heart the same way it did back then, in the Spanish rain, as we stood outside the tapas restaurant. The skies were as grey as our moods, three days into the holiday. Ever since that first night, when, on arrival, Luke and I announced that actually, we’d like to share a room, please, things had gone downhill. I’d thought everyone would be happy for us, but instead it was the catalyst for everything that happened after that. And following the blowout argument, I’d walked out into the rain, and Luke had followed me.
There have been times over the years that I’ve wished I could remember the exact order of what we said to each other. The changes in tone, body language, but it blurred together, pooling into a puddle that we stood in. But would that have helped make me feel any better?
