Page 67 of The Christmas Express
‘Alright,’ I say, taking a shaky breath in that I try and mask. ‘Sara, can I talk to you a moment? There’s something I’d like to say.’
She nods, and follows me to the side of the carriage, and we take a seat together. God, this is so awkward. I’m fine with apologies – love them! – but there’s something about giving one five years after the event that feels a bit rehearsed. So I’ve rehearsed it.
I lean in to be heard over the music. ‘Sara. I wanted to say I’m sorry for treating you like an afterthought on the holiday. I know I said some things that implied you weren’t as much a part of the group as the rest of us, and really, I only ever meant that you hadn’t lived in the townhouse as long. But I got angry and upset and it all came out wrong.’
I cringe, thinking of how I screamed at Sara that yes, she might as well leave early because most of the time we forget she’s there anyway. It was never true. ‘Anyway, I know there was lots more to the arguments, not just that, but I don’t want to go over every single thing said right now – but we can another time, if you want. For now, I just wanted to say I’m aware, and for my part, I’m sorry.’
Sara nods, digesting my words. ‘I’m sorry too. For the names I called you. You aren’t childlike, you’re dreamlike, and that’s actually something I’ve always liked about you. But, like you said, in amongst everything else that was being thrown around, it just felt like ammunition. Sorry.’
I lean in and hug her, her curls tickling my cheeks. God, I’ve missed hugging people. Tears leap up into my eyes and I hold her as close as I can.
‘I want to get to know who you are now,’ I say. ‘Can we talk properly, when we’re not tipsy and facing imminent death?’
‘I’d like that,’ she smiles in reply.
We stand after a moment, and separate, and I spot Joe, and before I can say anything, he, too, pulls me into a hug, saying into my ear, ‘Thanks for pushing us all to not just ignore each other until the flight home. I always liked your determination.’
‘Thanks, Joe.’ I’m touched. He’s not one to reveal his feelings often, and maybe it’s alcohol-fuelled, but I’ll take it.
‘You be happy, okay? Do what makes you happy. Don’t live for anyone else.’
‘Same to you.’
We break away and when he moves to the side, there’s Joss. We look at each other like we’re facing off in a battle, and she can be so proud I can only assume this is what it is. I don’t know if I have it in me.
Just as I’m about to walk away, she speaks first. ‘Alright, let’s talk.’
‘Of course.’
We edge over to the stairs, and I wait. I think I’m waiting for an apology, to be honest. She stung me with how she reacted to me and Luke coupling up. She’s never liked being the last to know about things, but this was so new that we just hadn’t wanted to say anything until that moment. But whereas I expected her to smart a little because I hadn’t run and told her the second we’d kissed, I couldn’t believe how she actually acted. She was affronted that she didn’t know sooner, said we’d treated her like a fool. She’d dripped in sarcasm when she’d congratulated us for messing up the whole group’s friendship dynamic. Then we’d resorted to silly name-calling, each seeking revenge on the last thing the other said. I remember being so shocked that I was shaking, and doubting if she’d ever even liked me in the first place.
‘I can’t tell, even after all this time, if you don’t actually know why I was so mad at you.’
Oh. That does not sound like an apology opener. ‘What do you mean? Wasn’t it because you didn’t think Luke and I should have coupled up without telling you?’
‘No,’ she scoffed. ‘I mean, yes, in a roundabout way. But the reason behind that was because . . .’ She trails off, looking back towards the staircase, as if watching for someone to come up them. She faces me again, looking me dead in the eye. ‘You knew how I felt about Luke.’
‘About Luke?’
‘Back then. You knew.’
‘What did you feel? You didn’t like him?’
‘No, for God’s sake. I was, like, in love with him.’
Bloody hell. This would be a perfect moment to drop a glass and have it smash, but I don’t think we need any more drama right now, so I clutch it tightly and take a gulp, the sparkling liquid popping and dissipating in my mouth. ‘You were in love with him?’ I hiss, finally, steering her further away from the stairs.
‘Duh!’
‘What do you mean, “duh”? I had no idea.’
‘Of course you did, even I make myself cringe about how obvious I used to be about it.’
I raise my shoulders to my ears. ‘I didn’t know. I swear.’
Joss stares at me for a moment, her brow scrunched into a frown as she studies me, looking from one eye to the other, and I hold her gaze.
I repeat myself. ‘I didn’t know.’
