Page 103 of A Winter in Wonderland
‘No, it’smyflannel shirt. I love it.’
I didn’t go home. I stayed right where I was and made the most of every single second of my time in beautiful Lapland. Sometimes memories from Christmas past floated in to say hello, and sometimes I felt sad, but I didn’t stress about feeling that way. And in the times I felt OK I sometimes made myself think of them, so I could practise reframing them. It would be a long road still, but I was pretty confident I was strong enough to save myself eventually.
I was back to being an adventure guide, and I treated every day like it was one more amazing memory to add to my collection.
And Shay and Tess, proud mums to baby Lila, whom Ialready loved to bits even from afar, were doing well, everyone happy and healthy. Dad was enjoying being a grandpa, and I was looking forward to meeting my new niece when it was the right time for me to come home.
On the last day of January, after everybody had spent the night before staying up late, squeezing every drop of friendship out of each other, the staff chalet was a hubbub of backpacks, lost items, goodbyes and tears, and I was among them.
‘Did you decide if you’re going to move here yet?’ I asked Esteri, as we hauled our bags from our room. She’d been dilly-dallying for the last few days, having been given a job offer from Daan but not being sure whether or not to take it.
But now she beamed at me, confident and sure. ‘Yes, I’m doing it. I’m going to go home for a bit to sort out my things, then I’ll be back for the spring.’
I hugged my friend. ‘That’s amazing, I’m so happy for you!’
‘It won’t be the same here without you though,’ she said into the hood of my dad’s coat. ‘Would you like to live here too?’
Would I ever do that, what Esteri was doing? Giving up everything I knew to follow my dream?
What exactly would I be giving up, though? What exactlywasmy dream? It was clear to me now that I’d changed over time, and that if my ‘dream job’ had really been all that perfect for me still, wouldn’t I have tried harder to get back into it after I was let go?
When I came to Lapland, I thought I was so out of place, like everyone would see how I didn’t fit in with anyone else.I hadn’t even noticed that the job was fitting in with me. That being outdoors, that working alongside happy holidaymakers every day, actually made me happier than I could ever have known, and brought out more creativity than I’d felt in a long time.
Check me out, reframing the heck out of my latest Christmas.
To answer Esteri, I said, ‘I don’t know. I think I need to figure out some new plans for myself.’
‘In Lapland?’
I shrugged. ‘Let’s just say my answer isn’t what it would have been three months ago.’
When we reached downstairs, I saw Josh waiting for me by the door to the boot room, leaning against the pane, flannel shirt on (of course, Mr Gap Christmas advert), all dark eyelashes and big smile and folded arms.
Esteri, who before heading back to Turku was making her way north to her family again, pulled me into a final hug.
‘I will miss you, you silly Brit,’ she said to me.
‘I’ll miss you too,’ I told her. ‘Thank you for everything.Everything.’
‘Back at you. We’ll see each other again soon, OK?’ She stepped back, pulling herself together and wiping away a sneaky tear that had spilled over. ‘In the saunas, naked.’
I laughed. ‘I’ll be there.’
With that, Esteri waved, and I blew her a final kiss. I’d never expected to make such a great friend out here. But though it felt awful to watch her leave, I was so beyond grateful to have had the chance to have her be a part of my life.
Turning to Josh, I said, ‘I can’t believe this is it.’
He moved away from the door frame, and walked over to me, and held me against his chest. ‘You don’t want to go home now? You want to celebrate Christmas all year around?’
I let out a snuffly, snotty chuckle. ‘Yeah, maybe I do.’
I couldn’t let myself think about leaving Josh. I tried to push it down and pretend it wasn’t happening, but though we were travelling to the airport together, that would be it for us. We were heading off to our different parts of the world, taking different flights this time, and I was so envious of whoever was the lucky person who got to sit next to his funny, annoying self on their journey.
Josh carried both our bags towards the bus outside the activities’ lodge, and as I walked, I focused on every crunch of snow, every tall tree, and knew I would miss all of it. Lapland was magical, for a lot of reasons.
On the shuttle bus we were quiet, and I leaned into Josh, his arm around me, and occasionally he would turn his face from the window and kiss my forehead, his stubble tickling my chin.
At Rovaniemi airport, once we’d bid goodbye to the others, the two of us stood outside for a moment, letting the last snowflakes kiss our skin before we left.
