Page 99 of A Winter in Wonderland
Shay took a steadying breath. ‘Look. I know that you don’t like Christmas, but you were having a good time there, I know that’s true. You were enjoying yourself. Don’t forget that. Don’t create this story for yourself that is all about the setbacks so that’s all you remember.’
‘I’m trying, Shay, I am, but I don’t know how to just forget about the things that I see in my mind every time Christmas comes around. Every year, year after year.’
‘Nobody’s asking you to change the emotion you felt at the time, or forget how you feel in favour of a silver lining. I just think you need to … ’
‘Reframe?’ I rolled my eyes, thinking back to Josh’s words.
‘Well, yes, actually. Let me help you.’
‘No, not right now.’
‘Then when? What are you doing right now?’
‘Freezing my bottom off on top of a hill, waiting for the Northern Lights.’
Shay stuttered and then said, ‘Oh, right, OK, yeah I can see why it’s so bloody awful there.’
‘No, it’s not awful, it’s incredible.’
‘Come on, then, why don’t you hit me with one of these big bad memories and let’s see what we can do about it.’
I didn’t want to do this, not now.Then when?Shay’s words echoed back at me.
I swallowed. Should I open this door? A tear came to my eye and I swept it away. I’d never delved into the details about all this with Shay before, not fully at least, but maybe it was time, after all.
‘Spit it out.’ Shay interrupted my thoughts.
‘Well, there was the time you, you know, were in hospital.’
‘The Christmas I went to rehab?’ she said, and then she hissed to someone in the background, ‘No, I’ll be there in a minute.’
‘I should let you go—’
‘No. Myla, is that one of your worst Christmas memories?’
‘Of course it is,’ I said, quietly.
She went silent. Shit. I hadn’t meant to bring this up. I felt my heart quickening, worrying, jumping to the worst conclusions. She was sad, or angry, or …
‘You stupid idiot,’ she said, but softly, kindly. ‘You think of that as one of the worst Christmases?’
‘Of course. You were at rock bottom. You were poorly. You were alone and in rehab.’
Shay let out a small laugh. ‘Well, I consider that the best Christmas I ever had.’
‘You what?’
‘You heard. I know the specifics were horrible, but that was when I got sober, I got my life back. For me, for my own personal journey through this life, that was my Christmas miracle.’
How could two people have such different takes on the same event?
‘Ow, crap,’ Shay suddenly said and then growled to whoever she was with, ‘Yes, all right, I’m coming.’
‘Shay, are you OK?’
But then my dad’s voice came on the other end of the phone. ‘She’s only bloody standing here yapping with her waters broken all around her.’
‘WHAT?’ I shouted. ‘Is she … but she … wait!’
In the surprise, the phone slipped from my hand, and as it dropped deep into the powdery snow I heard the voice of my dad saying, ‘She’s OK, she just—’
Then everything was silent, only my breathing audible in the night forest, my phone a dark shape peeping out of the muted white snow.
‘Dad, hang on a mo,’ I called out, dropping to the ground, causing sprinkles of flakes to fill the narrow slice created by my mobile. I pulled off my outer glove and stuck my hand in, trying to move the snow aside without disturbing it too much, feeling a bitter sense of déjà vu at coming full circle from my first Lapland excursion – when I’d taken the snowshoe couple out and he’d dropped the engagement ring – to now, what might well be my last Lapland excursion if I did, indeed, go home.
Gripping the casing, I pulled my phone free and tried to use my sleeve to wipe the screen, only smearing it with more wetness. ‘Dad?’ I said, holding it to my ear, but nothing. I looked down at my phone, now just a dark rectangle. I pressed the home button … nothing. My phone was dead.
