Page 85 of A Winter in Wonderland
‘What are you doing here?’ he asked as we drew close.
‘I don’t know,’ I admitted. ‘I just wanted to be able to say goodbye properly. I’m not trying to … I just wanted to let you know … ’
That’s when I shut up. Josh took a step closer to me, his dark eyes searching mine, his eyelashes low and catching snowflakes. His breath was warm on my face and I blinked as snowflakes kissed my face.
Josh reached his fingers to my hair, which was damp, the edges stiff in the cold, and pushed it back from my face, leaving his hands on my neck. I moved my hands to hiswaist. And just for a moment, we stayed like that, memorising each other, memorising this moment, which I knew would for ever be a winter memory I would do anything to keep instead of push away.
I tilted forward then, touching us together with a kiss, feeling his warm lips and cold nose press against me, his chilly fingers causing shivers on the back of my neck, the feel of his inhale and exhale underneath his jacket.
As we kissed under the falling snow, I forgot all about the freezing cold, because my heart was warm.
After too short a moment, he let me go and brought his face away from me, his eyes still swallowing mine, his mouth curving into that smile. I smiled back, and he pulled me into his arms for a final hug, resting his chin for a second on the top of my head while I breathed in the exposed skin of his neck.
With a gulp, I pulled back, and before he could say a word, I whispered, ‘You have to go.’
Josh nodded. ‘Yeah.’
‘I hope everything is OK at home,’ I said. ‘And I hope you know you’ll be missed.’
‘So will you.’
I was not going to cry. I was in no position to askhimto comfortmeright now. So instead, I widened my smile and untangled myself from within his arms, though it might have been the hardest thing my heart had ever had to do, being pulled away from its source of warmth. ‘Bye, Josh,’ I said, keeping my voice steady.
‘Bye, Myla. Thank you.’
I shook my head. ‘Thankyou. Take care.’
Josh nodded. ‘You too. And be happy. You do deserve it, you know.’
I couldn’t speak any more, so with one last look at his face, I turned and walked away.
After Josh had left, I took myself into the forest, not far from the chalet, and sat down upon a tree stump, while the snow fell around me.
What if I just let it cover me? What if I wrapped myself in the snow like it were a duvet, and I hibernated for the rest of my time here, then when it thawed I would go home and forget the whole thing.
Because I had to forget it, didn’t I? He wasn’t likely to come back here before I would leave anyway.
My face and my hands were getting colder.
It was fine. This would just be another memory of how Christmas brought nothing but failed memories into my life.
I pressed my lips together, and remembered him kissing me, and that memory fought with my own mind. It didn’t want to be boxed up, forgotten, pushed aside. It wanted to be heard, and loved.
With an inhale that chilled my lungs but woke me from my daze, I stood up and made my way back into the house, where I methodically changed into some dryer clothes, redid the braid in my hair, made myself a cup of tea, took some deep breaths and was about to head out the door again and back to the reindeer farm when I noticed something. It was a flannel shirt hanging on a hook by the door, one of Josh’s thathe’d left to dry and forgotten to take. I knew it was Josh’s, without a doubt, I recognised the emerald green because I remember thinking how nice it looked on him. Should I try and run after him?
Then I noticed something I hadn’t spotted before. A small rectangle trimmed off the hem of the left panel, barely noticeable, but with a gasp I realised it matched the bracelet on my wrist.
‘It was from Josh,’ I whispered.Hewas my Secret Santa, not Esteri.
No, I wouldn’t run after him, I’d hang onto his shirt. This stupid lumberjack shirt that belongs to my goofy elf. Maybe one day I could give it back to him. In the meantime, I could smell his aftershave on the collar, and so I’d keep it with me.
