Page 58 of A Winter in Wonderland
Following the meal, the Christmas party ramped up big time. The music got loud and the Christmas spirit was overflowing, in more ways than one. I spent a while going in and out of the photo booth with Esteri, other staff members, and guests of mine from today’s activities, and even enjoyed a little dance on the dance floor, albeit a bit self-consciously.
When the band took a break and the playlist came back on, I took myself to the edge of the dance floor for a breather. It was after eleven, and I could see some people tiring, while others seemed on a second wind as they counted down the minutes until Christmas Day.
I, for one, would quite like to go and sit in the sauna again and have some quiet time right now, but even if I did, I knew I wouldn’t wind down. I was too excited. Christmas was nearly here. I’d nearly made it.
The lights were dimmer now, with a glitter ball (had there always been a glitter ball in here?) slowly rotating and creating stars upon the dancers.
In the dark, at the edge of the dance floor, I closed my eyes for a moment. And that’s when the music changed. ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ melted into ‘Bleeding Love’, and I was right back there in my mind, aged sixteen, at my school disco, watching my first unrequited love kissing my friend.
CHRISTMAS 2007 ~ AGED SIXTEEN
The mistletoe was the first thing I saw when I walked into the school’s Christmas party. A thousand thoughts and scenarios twirled through my teenage mind as I imagined how it would play out when I told Rick how I felt.
The school hall was decorated in white fairy lights, white crepe snowflakes hanging from the roof, and that all-important mistletoe. What a spot to have my first kiss, finally, under the mistletoe.
Rick was my friend, he’d been my friend since primary school, but over the past two years I’d fallen in love with him, the way he laughed and the way he and I had our own inside jokes and nicknames for each other. He called me Molehill and I called him Rinkle.
The evening flowed and my confidence ebbed, but a series of slow songs had started and the night would be drawing to a close in less than half an hour. The last thing I wanted was for the bright overhead lights to switch on, highlighting my dragged eye glitter and frizzed hair while I was declaring my love for my friend.
‘Where’s Rick?’ I asked another friend, Sarah, trying to be casual even though my heart was thudding so loudly she must have heard it over the beat of the music.
Sarah shrugged, and went back to twirling her hair, trying to catch the eye of her own crush on the other side of the dance floor.
‘Bleeding Love’ by Leona Lewis was playing, the melody and bass filling me up with confidence while I searched the crowd of year elevens before me. I didn’t want to step too far from the mistletoe, and I pressed my fingers to my lips, imagining him kissing me after I’d told him.
‘Oh, there he is.’ Sarah broke into my thoughts and my heart leapt, a smile spreading under my fingers while I tried to follow her eyeline.
This is it; I’m ready to tell you everything, Rick.
‘Ah, bless, he’s kissing Ashley,’ Sarah chuckled.
I saw him then, his arms around one of my best friends, hisforehead against hers, his lips on her lips. She smiled into him; I could see it even from the sidelines. My heart broke in that moment.
Sarah leant in. ‘She’s fancied him for ages, she must have told him. They’re so cute.’
Despite my throat drying, I said, ‘She has? She never said.’ Neither had I.
‘It looks like he likes her too, yay!’
I tried to smile, but all my hope, all my dreams, were pooling in the corners of my eyes and I tried to blink them down.
School parties were always an excuse for people to kiss their classmates, but Rick rarely joined in. He must think Ashley is pretty special.
And she is. She’s lovely, and funny, and pretty, and, like me, I knew this must have meant a lot to her. I took a step back.
‘I’m just going to get another drink,’ I said to Sarah, who gave me a thumbs up. But I didn’t get another drink, instead I stepped back into the shadows, hiding in the dark, and couldn’t take my eyes off Rick and Ashley as they slow-danced and kissed all while I and the mistletoe wilted away alone.
I tilted my head back, looking towards the ceiling and willing the painful memory to float away, and fluttered my eyelashes open.
My mouth curved into a smile, and then I let out a laugh. Of course I’d be standing under the mistletoe right now. It was sod’s law. Poor teenage me, she was so sure her life was over in that moment.
I let my eyes close again, and to the soundtrack of Leona Lewis, I let myself, actuallylet myselfbe back there with her.
You know what, remembering wasn’t so bad, at least that memory. I still appreciated teenage me’s pain in that moment, and felt for her. But I guess one of the good things about growing up is you can look back at things in your past and tell yourself it gets better. And Christmas may have remained sucky, and maybe always will, but if Rick and I had kissed that night, he may have become my boyfriend, or broken my heart, or I might have made choices that would have affected my life because of him. He’s married now. And did I wish I was with him? No.
I must have looked a little odd standing there with my eyes closed under the mistletoe, but I didn’t mind. And when I opened them, like a magnet they met Josh’s across the other side of the dance floor, and he looked away quickly.
