Page 52 of A Season in the Snow
Bear sank down on to the ground, sensing he was settling in for the long haul.
‘But if I don’t go I’m not choosing happy. I’m just waiting around, and what am I waiting for? I’m allowed to do nice things.’ But even as she tried to persuade herself it was true, her voice wavered, thinking about Jill.
She would go. It scared her, and made her feel vulnerable as hell, and she didn’t know how she would explain her scar. But if she could be around these nice people for a few hours, without her comfort blanket, then maybe she could handle . . . who knows what else?
She didn’t know how to say it out loud, because ‘I’m glad I came’ wouldn’t have expressed the deep, emotional gratitude she was feeling now for the comfort of this warm, enveloping water. The pools were large and calm, and after arriving at the hotel Alice had changed into her costume and raced outside so quickly she’d already been bathing a full two minutes before the others began appearing.
It really did feel like a hug, but one where she could still open her arms wide and tilt her face to the sun, and breathe.
Alice kept her relaxed, eyes closed, body turned away position while the others got into the water, in an unconscious message that she’d like them to offer the same respect to her when she got out.
‘Alice, you look like some serene ethereal being,’ said Lola, her voice warm, as she glided past Alice. ‘Isn’t this gorgeous?’
‘It’s . . . exactly what I needed,’ Alice replied.
Lola made an ‘mmmm’ sound as she tilted her hair back into the pool. ‘Me too. People love coming here after they’ve had a few days on the slopes because it feels so good on the muscles, but I like to come here at the start of the season, before anything, as close as possible to my arrival date. It just washes away the real world, you know?’
‘Yeah, I do know.’
‘I have a problem sometimes with anxiety, and when I’m in cities I feel really pressured and claustrophobic – sorry Alice, do you mind me telling you this?’ Lola stopped swishing her hair in the water and looked Alice right in the eye, her mascara running. ‘I know you live in London – I hope you don’t think I’m being insulting?’
‘Not at all, I think it’s nice that you’re telling me.’ That didn’t feel quite like the right turn of phrase, but Alice was distracted by how open and honest this woman was with her, and how at ease she seemed.
‘All right, tell me to shut it though, if you’re thinking “Christ she talks about herself a lot”. Anyway, so I feel like that and it’s all a bit blah, and then I like to come here and do this; watch, come and do this with me.’
Lola swam to the edge of the pool, so there was only the natural stone edge of the pool separating them from the view of the Bernese Alps, in all their splendour. Once there she crouched, so just her nose and eyes were above the water, and she blinked at Alice until she did the same. Lola then motioned for them both to turn and face the view.
Alice wasn’t sure what they were doing, but she went along with it, and soon realised this was the point: they were doing nothing except letting time elapse.
After a few minutes Lola lifted her head. ‘Doing that makes me feel cleansed and not anxious any more. It reminds me it’s okay, I’m here, and there’s a big sky and loads of room for everyone.’ She laughed. ‘Bet you think I’m bonkers.’
‘Not at all.’ Alice returned her laugh.
‘You guys,’ Marco interrupted them. ‘Alice, what do you think?’
‘I think I want to stay here all winter.’
‘Yay, you like it! We’re going to move up to the second pool, it’s basically the same thing but a little tiny bit warmer. Are you coming?’
‘Sure!’ Lola answered, and all three of them were already standing and making their way up the steps.
Alice looked around for her towel but it was on the other side of the pool. She swam towards it, the water drifting past her like warm silk, and climbed out, wrapping it around her waist to cover her legs completely. By this time, the rest of them were already wading into the next pool, whooping with delight at the temperature, which was only a few degrees warmer than the previous, but made all the more delicious because of the brief interlude back in the snow.
Alice reached the edge of the pool, and hesitated, self-conscious. They weren’t staring up at her, in fact both Lola and Noah were already floating on their backs with their eyes closed. But she still felt exposed and open to scrutiny in a way she hadn’t felt since she’d lain in the hospital bed.
No one’s looking, she told herself,do it now.
She dropped the towel, leaving it messily on the side of the pool where it would probably get very damp and very cold, very quickly. And rushed down the steps. Marco looked up and straight at her left leg.
‘Hey, that’s a big scar!’ he commented, eyes wide. ‘You fought off a shark or something?’
Lola’s eyes flew open. ‘Marco, you idiot, don’t you know not to ever comment on a woman’s body when she’s in a swimsuit? You’ve embarrassed her!’
Alice crouched into the water, the warmth lapping around her ears sounding like a reassuring voice, and the thought crossed through her that actually she didn’t care what she looked like in a swimsuit any more. Life felt too short to be worrying about tiger stripes of cellulite or the violet patterns of thread veins. The only reason she didn’t want her body on show was because with the scar came questions. And with questions came memories that pick-axed their way through her calm shell of protection.
‘Oh no, Alice, I’m so sorry, I absolutely did not mean to embarrass you.’
‘You didn’t, it’s fine,’ she said to him, and smiled at Lola. ‘It’s really fine.’
