Page 58 of Saltwater Memories
Amanda giggled. “Yeah, Maine. About as far from Washington State as you can get. We’re famous for our Dungeness crab, not lobster.”
He laughed, popping a shrimp into his mouth. “My mistake!”
After lunch, they went for a walk along Fourth of July beach. It seemed like they were having a pleasant enough time, and Amanda was just so excited that he was there.
“This was my mom’s favorite beach,” she told him.
“I can see why, it’s nice.”
“It’s been really strange knowing that she’ll never come back to these places. And I feel like…I don’t know, guilty? Because in some ways, it’s like I’m starting to forget her.”
“I don’t think you could ever forget her.”
She nodded. People always said things like that, but it didn’t encompass what she felt. She’d never tried verbalizing the thought before, though – and she was struggling. “Not forget that she existed. But it’s like…I used to think about her every day, and miss her every day. I still miss her, don’t get me wrong. But now it’s like she…I don’t know, she doesn’t take up as much of the space in my mind.”
“So you’re finally able to move on with your life?”
“I guess. But it feels wrong. Like a betrayal, or that I care less.”
He let out a sigh. “I don’t know what you want Amanda. Do you want to get over her death, or do you want to be a mess for the rest of your life?”
She took a step back. She wasn’t prepared for him to say something so…harsh. “I don’twantto be a mess, I’m just saying that, you know, the more okay that I feel without her, the worse I feel about it.”
He shrugged and kept walking down the beach. “If that’s how you choose to think about it.”
Amanda stood there, trying to piece her thoughts together. Maybe Rupert was right. Instead of questioning or having doubts about finally getting over her mom’s death, she should just move on with her life. She shouldn’t overcomplicate things, she shouldn’t spend so much time looking back.
She frowned, turning to look out over the water. That didn’t seem quite right, though. For a moment she thought she might cry, but she was able to stop herself.
No need for Rupert to think she’d lost her mind. The wind whipped around her, and for a moment she imagined that it was making her stronger. Despite the gusts of air, she was firmly planted on this beach. She wasn’t going to tip over or fall to pieces. It ripped through her hair, and though she knew her hair would be a ball of knots later, Amanda didn’t care. The icy touch on her cheeks made her feel like she was on the edge of the world.
She looked up from the rocks at her feet to see that Rupert was a good distance away. She shook her head, sure now that she wouldn’t cry, and jogged to catch up to him.
For dinner, Rupert had chosen Amanda’s favorite restaurant on the island.
“So,” she said, hands on her hips. “Was that the best meal you’ve ever had, or what?”
He shrugged. “It was good. I’d say it was ‘island good.’ Not as good as a restaurant in Seattle.”
“Really?”
He reached across to hold her hand. “Sorry dear. It can’t compete with a major city when it comes to quality. There’s no competition here – there’s nothing to strive for. You probably love it because you’ve got sentimental memories associated with it, and that’s fine. But it’s not objectively great.”
She let out a sigh. “Ah. I see.”
“Don’t take it personally,” he added. “It’s kind of how you are with this whole island. Like yeah, there’s a cool little town. You could keep a cabin here if you must, and come up for weekends. But why are you torturing yourself with the long drive into the city? I’m dreading the trip back already.”
Amanda didn’t know how to respond to him. If he didn’t like the island, she couldn’t make him like it. He was entitled to his opinion.
It was just that…she had thought that maybe, if he saw the beaches and the beautiful views, and let himself be swept up in the charm of the little towns…
Then what? That he’d fall in love with the island, and in love with her again? That he’d tell her he’d been aching and missing her all this time?
No. Instead, she felt like she had to defend her love of this place. As Amanda watched his scowl set in, she realized that it would be a mistake to bring anything up about their relationship. He was not in a whimsical or sentimental mood.
“I’m sorry, Rupert. I know people who fly in – you know, from Seattle. My uncle used to fly planes.”
“How long does that take?”
She shrugged. “About an hour.”
“That’s more bearable,” he said. “Maybe I’ll try that next time.”
“Yeah. Maybe next time.”
She should have felt grateful that he was talking about a next time, but somehow she just felt…flat.
