Page 61 of After the Red Carpet
“It has. Since I met Finn and we decided to build a life together and have a family,” she said, placing her hand on her belly, “I’m different.”
“Ella, when I said that thing about changing, I only meant not to lose yourself. I didn’t mean don’t change at all. Fuck, everyone changes. As for romantic love and all that hooey, as far as I can see, Finn has made youmoreof who you are, not less. These past few years, you’ve been happier, more grounded, and freer than you ever were before. That’s because of Finn and these rug rats you’re popping out.”
Ella smiled. “I love them so much. I do. It’s just . . .”
“Tell me.”
Ella took a breath. “When we love so deeply, it’s like it changes our DNA or something. We start to see everyone differently. We move through the world differently.” She stopped to shake her head. “It’s hard to explain. I don’t want to be someone who takes that call from her deadbeat dad, but at the same time, I don’t know how not to be her. Not anymore.”
“You know, this is the philosopher in you,” Marni said. “Some of us have a shitty experience and we stick our head in a tub of ice cream and call it a day. But you’ve always asked the big questions, of both the world and of yourself. Maybe instead of moping and wallowing, you can use this as fuel. Hell, you’re writing a treatise about love. That’s some complex shit. Take a deep dive on paper. See where it takes you.”
“I haven’t written a word in weeks. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I’m going to finish the book at all. Writing about love doesn’t seem like such a good idea anymore. I can’t even bring myself to open my laptop.”
“Give it time. The pieces of the book you’ve written so far are amazing. Best work of your career. Take a break if you need to, but don’t abandon it.”
Ella shrugged. “The book is supposed to be about what happens when we love. I was trying to figure out where we end and where the other person begins. When Finn and I first fell in love, I couldn’t bring myself to take the leap. I was terrified about what might happen to me if I allowed myself to truly love him, so I pushed him away. When we got back together, I let go of that fear and opened my whole heart. It’s like I stopped worrying about my borders and leaned into the closeness. Finn did too.” She paused and then added, “We had a little scare when I was pregnant with Betty. You should have seen him, the fear in his eyes, his attachment to us both. He said my pregnancy fundamentally changed something inside of him. Marni, that’s what love does. It changes us at an almost cellular level, and now . . .” She took a breath and said, “Now I don’t know where my borders are.”
“Ella, if you don’t know who you are, if you feel lost, turn to the thing that has always been inside of you. You’re a philosopher who is chasing the big questions. Go there. That’s how you’ll find yourself again.”
“Thanks. Maybe. We’ll see.”
“Okay, I’ll leave it alone for the time being,” Marni said. “Come on, let’s stuff ourselves silly on bread and cheese. You’ve got that basketball of a stomach right now to cover a multitude of sins. Let’s put it to good use.”
“Finn, wake up,” Ella said, shaking him.
“What is it?” he asked groggily.
“My water broke.”
“What?” he asked, leaping up. “You’re not due for three more weeks.”
“Tell that to the baby. She’s tired of waiting.”
“Oh my God,” Finn said, noticing the wet sheets. He started spinning around in circles, unable to decide what to do first. “Wait right there, sweetheart. I’ll throw some clothes on, and then I’ll help you get dressed. What time is it?” he asked, turning to the clock without waiting for an answer. “Just after five. I’ll need to call the sitter, or Jason, or someone to watch Betty until my parents can get here. And Dr. King, we’ll call her when we’re on our way. Don’t worry, baby, everything is okay.”
Ella giggled. “You might want to tell yourself that. Relax, my love. Our little one is coming.”
He took a breath, kissed her forehead, and said, “You caught me off guard, but I’ve got this.”
“It seems Georgia may take after me. Clearly, she’s spontaneous, and I get the feeling she’s having a good laugh at throwing her daddy into a frenzy.”
“ELLA, THE BABY IS CROWNING;there’s no time to get you to labor and delivery. She’s coming now,” Dr. King said, peering up from between Ella’s legs.
“But we just got here. I don’t . . .”
“Your child is ready. Push, Ella, push!”
Finn and Ella exchanged a shocked look. He took her hand, and she bore down and pushed.
“One more big push,” Dr. King said.
Ella pushed with all her might, letting out a primal shriek.
“Your daughter is here,” Dr. King announced, holding the newborn.
“How is she?” Finn asked. At that moment, the baby let out her first cry.
“She’s perfect. Here, you can cut the cord, Dad.”
