Page 47 of The Location Shoot
“What?”
“That I never told him I loved him, even though I thought I did at the time. I held it back, like maybe part of me knew better. I never gave him that piece of myself.”
He caressed her cheek.
“It was such a formative experience because I was so young. Since then, I don’t think I’ve ever fully trusted men or their motives. I didn’t want to get attached, not to anyone. The truth is I’ve always been a free-spirited person, never locked down to a place or any one person, looking for amusement without responsibility. Wanderlust, I suppose. That’s just my nature, always has been. In some ways, it’s brought me a lot of joy and beauty.”
“That part of your personality is infectious,” he said.
“But there’s another side. On some level, it’s an excuse to not really give myself to anyone. There’s a part of myself I protect, a piece I hold back that’s locked away, deep inside. I’m always looking for an out, keeping my distance emotionally, ready to leave, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t give myself entirely to anyone. Especially since the incident with Bill, I’ve dated people, but I haven’t allowed myself to feel the least bit close to anyone. I haven’t wanted to.” She paused. “Until you.”
He kissed her forehead and rested his head on her shoulder. “Ella, I will never hurt you. I love you more than I can say.”
“Finn, you’re the first man I’ve ever truly loved. You’re the only man I’ve said those words to. Ever.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” he said, kissing her lightly. “That means so much to me. Your heart is safe with me.”
“Finn . . .”
“What, baby?”
“After the first night we spent together, you said you knew this was a lot for me, what you and I have. It is.” She paused, then said, “I’m worried I’ll disappoint you, that I won’t be able to give you what you want, that the real me won’t be the sparkling fantasy you imagined.”
“All I want is to be with you. I know that’s what you want too. There’s nothing to worry about. Please, let’s just be together always.”
“Will you do something for me?” she asked.
“Anything,” he replied.
“Lie down with me. I just want to feel close to you.”
He turned the blanket down, took her hand, and they slipped under the covers. She nestled against his chest, and he enfolded his arms around her, holding her in his safe, strong embrace.
“I love you, Ella.”
“I love you,” she whispered in return.
THE NEXT MORNING, ELLA WOKE UP,yawned, and wiped the sleep from the corners of her eyes. She rolled over and discovered that the other side of the bed was empty. Confused, she sat up and peered over to the bathroom. The door was open, the light off. Empty. “Finn?” she called, her eyes darting around the room. He wasn’t there. Her heart sank.
She dragged herself out of bed, shuffled to the bathroom, and brushed her teeth. Not sure what to do with herself, she curled up into a ball in the chair in the corner of the room, her head in her hands. A few minutes later, she heard the doorknob turn. She looked up as Finn stepped into the room.
“Hey, you’re up,” he said, smiling brightly.
“Yeah.” She began to cry, unable to hold back the tears any longer.
“Oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he asked, rushing over and kneeling in front of her.
“I . . . I . . .” she whimpered.
“It’s okay, baby,” he said, caressing her face. “I’m here. What happened?”
“I thought you were gone,” she mumbled.
“Gone?”
“When I woke up, you weren’t here. You’ve been here every other morning. Last night was the first time we didn’t make love before falling asleep, and I thought maybe . . .”
“Oh, sweetheart. How could you think that?”
