Page 123 of Restitution
He shakes his head. “You don’t need to know. We should move on from the past.”
My voice lowers to a whisper. “I don’t think either of us is ready to move on.”
He sighs and presses his forehead to my stomach, holding behind my knees. “My head’s just fucked. I’m trying to figure out how to save everyone at the same time as staying alive. I’m starting to run out of plans. Bernadette is better protected than royalty, and I have a huge bounty on me. It’s only a matter of time before they come for me.”
“You haven’t been arrested yet either.”
“No,” he says. “I’m starting to believe I won’t be.”
I should be relieved, but that means there’s going to be a war soon.
“Are you okay?” he asks me, looking up when I take a few moments to think of my reply.
“I don’t think I will be for a while. It’s been… constant. As much as we’re in danger now, this is probably the first time I haven’t had to look over my shoulder or worry about Chris coming for me. Even when I was in America, I could never be sure he wouldn’t just show up one day.”
“Did he always come for you?”
I tilt my head. “Mostly, yeah. Every time I went out, I’d come home to some sort of punishment. It only got worse after we got together and I started coming home later, my neck full of hickeys and all your texts on my phone.”
Groaning, Kade presses his forehead to my stomach again. He has no reason to feel guilty, but I know he will. “What else did he do?” he asks, his voice muffled.
“He beat me up. Like, a lot.” I gulp, trying to ignore the memories. “He forced me to go to these messed-up parties with him. He’d make me drink, take pills and sometimes—” I stop, a tear sliding down my cheek. “After he found out I had a boyfriend, he got more violent. I was terrified he was going to start raping me every night. I didn’t know at the time he already was.”
Kade’s grip tightens behind my knees. “I wish you’d told me.”
I stifle a sob lodged in my throat, and my lip trembles. “I wish I did too. I was so scared of what he’d do to you. He would’ve gotten even worse.”
“Worse than killing our kid?” Then he winces. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”
“You’re right though. I was worried about him getting worse, but all the while he was already getting worse. He was sick. Mentally. He deluded himself into believing he loved me. I think he had this idea that he’d be able to Stockholm syndrome me.”
He looks up at my face, his brows knitting together, and there’s rage in his eyes. “I would have killed him sooner. If you’d told me, I would’ve never let you go back to that house, and I would have strangled him to death. Or kept him alive but incapacitated, so he could watch me fuck the woman he tormented, watch her marry me and give birth to my kids. I’d make him watch every fucking second that you loved me.”
I have no idea why, but I smile. “I think the nails in his eyes were better. Your dad hit Barry with his foot.”
He huffs out a laugh. “I knew they’d get along.”
“They did. Sort of.” I lower my voice. “Anyway, I’ve learned from my mistakes. From now on, no secrets. I promise to do better. I’ll be better for you.”
He kisses my hip through the material of his top. “You’re everything I need and want. Don’t ever change. Got it?”
I smile down at him. “Even when I complain?”
“Not everyone is perfect.”
Giggling, I lean down, take his face in my hands and kiss him on the lips. It’s a chaste kiss, short, but it holds so much meaning. “I love you.”
Kade grins against my mouth. “You know, when you say it every hour, those three words lose their meaning.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t get to say them for years. They’ll never lose their meaning.”
“When I started working for Bernadette, I thought you hated me. I kept telling myself you did so I wouldn’t approach you and put you in danger. I wanted you off her radar. But I kind of fucked that up when I picked you up from that house.”
My fingers brush through his hair again. “How did you end up working for her anyway?”
“You already know the story.”
“Tell me the full version, not the watered-down one. If we’re going to talk about this, then please, tell me everything.”
