Page 91 of Restitution
I think.
She rolls her eyes. “I’m never going to sleep if you have a movie on.”
Regardless, I need something on. Background sounds drown out the voices in my head. It’s stupid, but I’ve tried everything else to stop them – trying to sleep is torture. Sometimes they’re so loud, I believe they’re real. I believe I’m in her bed and waiting for her to cut me or drug me, or for her to bring in our next victim.
“I’m not expecting anything from you,” she says in a serious tone. “I just want to be here for you, okay? If you need my company, have it. If you need me to keep your mind off everything, then I’m here.”
I furrow my brows as I get into bed. “I don’t understand you at all.” She tilts her head, confused. “I tried to shoot you. I chased you down in your car and held a gun to your head. You—” I gulp. “You were raped after losing our daughter, and I left you.”
She’s unfazed as she raises a shoulder. “All relationships have their obstacles, Kade. You weren’t in control of any of yours. What’s done is done. All we can do is go forward, right?”
My voice lowers as I reply, “But I don’t know how to move forward.”
She rests her head on the pillow, and I turn to face her on mine. She reaches forward and tugs the material on my face. “Take this off. You don’t need it.”
I shake my head.
“You don’t need to hide from me.”
I do though. Andsheshould be hiding fromme.
“Bernadette made me take a blade to my own face. It was either that or she’d hurt my sister.”
I think I’ve already told her this, but her eyes water anyway asher nostrils flare. “She’s a monster,” she sneers. “I’ve never hated someone so much in my life. Her and her stupid, vile husband.”
I look at her, wondering if she knows just how much they both violated me. Would she see me differently if she knew I was raped by them both? That I was raped by both men and women, sometimes at the same time?
A part of me thinks she does know. Yet she’s still here, in my bed, spending time with me. She doesn’t think I’m disgusting or used.
“Do you want to talk about any of it?”
“No,” I retort, hating myself for the shitty reply and the way she flinches. “Shit. Sorry. No. You’d run for the hills if you knew half the stuff she made me do.” I shake my head. “You saw what I did to your stepbrother. That pales in comparison to everything else. One time, I made a guy eat his own intestines.”
Her eyes widen in surprise. “Oh.”
“I wanted to make Chris do the same, but I think I got sidetracked. I don’t remember much.” I chew my lip. “I’m sorry about what I did to you in front of him.”
Her expression stays the same. “I wish you’d fucked me in front of him. It would have hurt him a lot more.”
I study her face – how beautiful she is. “I would’ve hated myself more if I’d fucked you.”
“Why?”
I let out a mocking laugh. “Why would you want me anywhere near you?”
“Because I love you. Because I’ve always loved you. Regardless of what you’ve gone through and the changes we’ve both had to make to our lives, my feelings remain the same, Kade. I won’t stop loving you.”
“I wish I could be the old me again,” I admit quietly. “I hate who I am now. Because all I can think about is killing people.”
She shifts but not out of discomfort. “Who do you want to kill?”
“Everyone who’s ever wronged you, hurt you, touched you without your consent. I want to rip them all apart. I’d ruin myself to keep you safe.”
“You have a beautiful soul,” she says. “You’re worth more than death.”
I want to lean forward and kiss her, but I banish the urge. “Go to sleep.”
“You go to sleep,” she fires back.
