Page 24 of Inadmissible
I introduced Taj to Mikayla and Lake before she led them to her kitchen. She told me to look around while she separated the flowers and put them in several vases. Her home was small and cozy yet very warm and comforting. I didn’t know a lot about her, but I could tell it fit her style. The furniture in the living and dining room was light, and there were large planters all over the place. We went upstairs to what she called her chill room that had a lavender and light sage green color scheme with built in bookshelves, a loveseat with several pillows, and a vinyl record player that I immediately made my way over to.
“What kind of music do you like?” she asked as I went through her vinyl collection.
“I listen to all music depending on what I’m doing, but my favorite music to listen to daily is classical and jazz. If I’m drivingor working out, I listen to hip hop. If I’m cooking or cleaning, old school soul and R&B. Gospel and country music are my preference when I want to listen to something that will resonate with me. What about you?”
“I’m kind of the same. I prefer the ’70s and ’80s soul and R&B over anything. My current favorite artists are Jhene Aiko and Cleo Sol though. Oh, and Kendrick Lamar and Nipsey Hussle.”
“I just fell in love a little more,” I disclosed, and while she chuckled, I was serious. “This collection is impressive, sweetheart. How did you get theHey Arnoldvinyl? Every time I try, it’s sold out.”
Impressed didn’t feel like a good word to describe how I felt. She had the classics like Al Green and Marvin Gaye, then Kendrick and Jhene, but also nostalgic soundtracks likeShrek,Hey Arnold, andEuphoria.
“Stalking the website. You can have it. It’s more your speed than mine. I just wanted it because it wasHey Arnold.”
I whipped around in her direction, clutching the vinyl to my chest. “Nah, you have to keep this.”
“Mm mm.” Her smile was warm as she got comfortable on the loveseat. “I want you to have it.”
“Are you absolutely sure?”
“I’m positive.”
“Thank you,” I muttered, looking at the jazz vinyl I’d been coveting since Enjoy the Ride initially released it. They had a more basic version at other retailers, but I wanted one from Enjoy the Ride because of how creative the designs were. “I’ma eat your pussy until you pass out tonight.”
She released a loud cackle. I set the record down and made my way next to her on the loveseat. When she smiled, I couldn’t stop myself from taking her hand into mine.
“Thank you for allowing me to share your space. To be in your presence. I don’t know everything about you and your past, but I know enough to understand how much this night means,” I admitted.
“I won’t lie and say this isn’t hard, but it’s me making it hard. You make it easy to be around you.”
“You wanna share why? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’d like to know who hurt you and what you learned.”
“Why, so you’ll know what you can get away with?”
Chuckling, I shook my head and palmed her thigh. “No. So I’ll know what men in the past have done that you might try to punish me for.”
Her expression saddened briefly as her head shook. “And I don’t wanna do that. Like at all.”
“I won’t let you, but I have to know what I’m facing, sweetheart.”
She released a shaky breath and nodded. Taj pulled one of the pillows up to her chest—a classic defense mechanism that was supposed to keep me from seeing and getting into her heart.
“First man to hurt me was my dad. It wasn’t direct hurt. He cheated on my mom their entire marriage. When I was old enough to realize what was going on, it changed things between us. It also made me believe cheating was something I had to expect. Even if it hurt, a part of me believed it was normal because it was their normal. Destin was the last man to hurt me, and you know how that played out. I found out the night before our wedding that he was with her and that she was pregnant. Since then, I haven’t been with anyone else because I don’t want to be hurt again. I used to be such a lover girl, and I feel like I let men ruin me.”
She wiped a single tear away quickly. As much as I wanted to pull her into my arms and console her, I refrained.
“You’re not ruined. You’re hiding, but I will bring the old you back out. Now . . . What did you learn?”
Taj thought about it for a while, head lowered as she detached by swirling the pads of her fingers together.
“I learned that I was trying to earn love when it should have been freely given. That I made men feel like I was willing to tolerate whatever if they treated me well. Most of all, I learned I was trying to be a safe space for men who were mentally, emotionally, and romantically violent toward me.”
“Will you ever do it again?”
Her eyes locked with mine. “Never. At least, I hope not.”
“I know you won’t.”
“How so?”
