Page 43 of From Ice to Home
It’s hard to think that I’ve somehow fallen from the daughter everyone could depend on—the responsible one—to the one who now has deeply disappointed her mother.
“Do you need any help with that?” I ask when the silence between us stretches too long. “You could sit while I make it?”
“No, it’s fine honey,” she says, not an ounce of anger in her voice. “Making tea helps.”
I wipe the tear from my own cheek watching as the woman who’s always been my anchor trying, even now, to comfort me despite the mess I’ve made.
“Where’s Lucas now?” she asks, finally placing a cup of hot tea in front of me before taking a seat at the table too. “I mean after this morning…am I wrong to assume that things between you two aren’t so good?”
I take a deep breath, recounting the fear that took over when I watched him drive away from me. Somehow this week is filled with the worst decision-making on my part.
“I spoke to him after our talk this morning,” I tell her, wrapping my hands around the cup of cinnamon and honey tea. “What you told me earlier, about you and Dad and how he reminded you about the covenant you made, made me realize that there’s no backing away from this. No matter how scared I may be.”
My mom smiles behind her cup as she lifts it to her mouth. “Just shows how God is behind so many of the things we do and say.” She takes a small sip before placing her cup back down. “If that’s what you needed to hear to get your head on straight, then that’s good.”
I meet her green eyes, so much like my own, hoping she’ll see my sincerity. “I’m not proud of running, Mom. I shouldn’t have left him there. It wasn’t the right thing to do.” I sigh. “A lot of things I’ve done and said this past week haven't been the right thing.”
She reaches out. “Oh, Hannah. I know. I know the feeling, really I do. But you’re human. You need to give yourself some grace. Remember that verse in Romans? The one that reminds you that God makes all things work together for those who love Him? That tells you that life won’t be easy. Our decisions and the consequences won’t always be perfect. But despite all that, we have to trust in God’s plan for us.”
A sense of relief fills me knowing she’s right. There’s nothing I can do that God can’t fix or make beautiful if that’s His plan and purpose.
“This is going to be hard,” I tell her, my fingers tightening around the cup in front of me.
“Yes, it is,” she says in all seriousness, her gaze fixed on me. I kind of hoped she would tell me something different.
“I have no idea how we’re going to do this,” I admit, the idea of being married daunting. “I don’t know the first thing about being a wife, never mind a hockey wife. What if I’m not cut out for this…” I whisper, giving words to my worst fear. “When I look at how you do things, you’ve always made everything look so easy. But now, facing this giant mountain of newness and uncertainty, I have no idea what’s coming next. So, how do I prepare for it?”
My voice sounds small and I hate that I’m having a moment of weakness. I don’t understand where any of this is coming from. I’ve been the big sister, the eldest daughter, the one everyone came to for help. I’ve always known that I wanted to be strong and independent. I wanted to start my own life, build something on my own.
And now that I have made a decision without my family, ready to start something new…I’m scared.
“You pray, Hannah,” she says, her brows knitting together like it’s the obvious answer I didn’t think of. “You read your Bible and you make sure your feet are planted firmly on theRock of Ages. The truth is your husband will fail and you will fail too. But God won’t. Don’t build the foundation of your marriage on each other, because if one crumbles, it will all fall apart. And you’re human—you will make mistakes and I’m sure Lucas will too. But that’s a part of life and a part of marriage, that’s what makes it hard.”
I hate failing.
I hate feeling like I’m not enough.
And having my mother tell me that that is exactly what my life will be in this marriage is not stirring up hope or peace, but rather a sense of stubborness. Like I want to prove her wrong.
Before I can tell her that, she frowns. “Does your dad know?” she asks.
Thinking about how Lucas wanted to talk to my dad alone has anxiety flaring inside of me. I know it’s something he feels he needs to do, but now my dad will hear about our marriage from someone other than me. I’m not sure how he’s going to take it.
I nod. “Lucas wanted to talk to Dad. He dropped me off before heading to the campsite.”
My mom blows out a breath, getting up and taking both our cups to the sink.
“This is definitely not the day either of us expected it was going to be,” she places the cups in the hot soapy water before turning back to me. “I suppose they’ll be home for dinner soon then, we should probably get something started.”
I didn’t even think about dinner. With everything that’s going on, it’s like my mind has cut everything into bite-size little pieces. If I allow myself to think about everything that’s going on, I might spontaneously combust.
“I still have to tell everyone else,” I realize out loud. “Essie is not going to take this well.”
My mom moves toward me, pulling me in for a hug. “She’syour sister. It might be tough sometimes, but in the end we’re all there for each other. We love you Hannah, nothing you can do will ever change that.”
She releases me and heads toward the fridge, her hands reaching instinctively for the ingredients to my dad’s favourite chicken alfredo. I’ve spent so many evenings with her in this kitchen, making dinner and helping her bake various snacks and cakes for church or bible study. I know I haven’t been home for so long, but the thought of not ever coming back hits me. This is no longer my home. I won’t live here anymore.
I’ll live with Lucas.
