Page 99 of From Ice to Home
Then, it was easy to give in to what we wanted, to be together in that way. I’ve never wanted another woman the way I want Hannah. Ever since we got back, my body has been aching to feel her again because it hasn’t forgotten what it feels like to be close to her. It would be easy to give in to my desires, to touch her, and hold her, and lose myself inside of her until I forget everything else.
And I want to. I desperately want to.
But I shouldn’t…we shouldn’t. Not if we can’t bring ourselves to wear our rings.
Not if we’re struggling to focus only on each other, leaving others out of our relationship.
There shouldn’t be anyone else in our relationship.
Nobody but Me.
The voice strikes my heart like a flaming arrow. It’s not just conviction, it’s confirmation. Thinking about it, it’s exactly what Nikolai alluded to in Vancouver. I felt the weight of his words then, and I’m hearing them in the Spirit now. Clear and unmistakable.
My gaze dips to the ring where it’s still in the palm of her hand. The symbol of an eternity together, a never-ending vow. It’s supposed to bind us. Not only to each other, but to our promise to God.
“Do youwantto wear your ring?” I ask her, hoping the answer is still yes.
There’s a flash of uncertainty and hurt in her eyes, and myheart feels like it might crack if she’s going to deny me. She looks up at me with her green eyes, shimmering with unshed tears.
“I want to wear it, really,” she says, biting her bottom lip and taking a deep breath. “But it feels like I don’t deserve to.”
“Sanders—-“
“Because it feels like I betrayed God’s plan for us. Do you think this is what He wanted for us? Honestly? Do you think He was in that chapel with us in Vegas?” she asks, unloading all the questions that’s been burdening her heart. “Because I can’t reconcile it, Lucas. It feels like I have gone against His rules, His design for us—-“
“And because of that you feel undeserving,” I finish her sentence for her. “You feel like we’ve taken something that wasn’t given, or planned.”
She averts her gaze, the tears that were in her eyes a second ago, now slowly spilling over her cheeks. She nods, slowly.
It wrecks me to see her like this. It hurts to know that she feels like she doesn’t deserve to be happy, that God wouldn’t want happiness for her. She’s the most beautiful person in the world, inside and out. She’s a daughter of the King. I’ve known that from the minute I met her. And I know He would want her to be happy, especially if it glorifies Him.
And Hannah has never not glorified God. Never.
“I don’t believe that for a second,” I tell her, my voice firm.
I tip her chin up, so that she can meet my gaze.
“You are my wife,” I tell her, searching her eyes for any sign of denial, or regret and finding none. “Nobody will ever be able to change that fact. We made a vow, a covenant. It binds us together in a way that cannot be broken, Hannah. Whether we made our promises in Georgetown, in your church, or in Vegas.”
“But, I ran away,” she says, her voice shaking. “After we made vows, after we kissed, after we…” she blushes, no doubt thinking about the wonderful wedding night we had, being together for the first time. “Nobody deserves to be treated like that. A wife shouldn’t do that to her husband. If we had done things the right way, maybe that never would have happened. I wouldn’t have hurt you. Us coming together would be a memory we cherished instead of one I look back on in shame.”
I take the ring from her trembling hands and slide it onto her finger, where it belongs. The tears are now flowing freely over her cheeks, and my heart aches.
“Listen to me, Hannah.” I wipe them away with both thumbs, holding her face gently in my hands. “I’m not holding any of that against you. As far as I’m concerned, it never even happened…not like that. You were in shock after everything. And you came back,wecame back.” I run my hand over my face, hating that she’s been carrying the weight of this, and that I let her.
“Looking back, I should’ve known better. I should’ve been more in control, more disciplined…but I was just so happy to have you back. I didn’t want to lose you again and it made me forget myself. It made me forget what you needed.”
I swallow.
“You’re not the one who’s undeserving, Hannah. I should’ve been a better man. And then a better husband. I should’ve…”
I should’ve led her.
I should’ve helped her wear the ring.
I should’ve spoken up instead of allowing the silence.
She shakes her head, her lips parting. “No,” she tries but I pull her into my chest.
