Page 81 of From Ice to Home
After I’m done putting my gear on, I sit on the bench, my head in my hands. Most of my teammates have already made their way to the ice, except Niko. He’s always the last one on and the last one off. That’s mostly part of his ritual, but I know his gear also plays into it. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and try to focus on the only One that truly matters.
Father, I need you now more than ever. I can’t fight this battle alone. Please, do not let my anger and frustration pour out toward my teammates, instead help me to bring everything to You. I believe that you brought me here. You brought me to this team and you brought me and Hannah together. Which means you know I have it in me to be who I need to be, both for the team and for my wife.
Let your Spirit guide me through this. Be there, whenever I talk to Hannah, so that every word coming out of my mouth helps to build our marriage instead of tear it down.
I can’t do any of this without You, otherwise I’ll fail. And I can’t fail.
Taking another deep breath, I feel a sense of peace settle over me. My phone pings in my cubby behind me. For a moment I hesitate, contemplating leaving it until after the morning skate. I need to get my head on tonight’s game.
But what if it’s Hannah?
Getting up, I check the message. It’s from Harry.
Have you seen this? https://nhl.com/No-Ring-No-Vanouver
Opening the text message, I find a link attached to another article.
First no ring, and now, no Vancouver. Trouble in Paradise?
I resist the urge to whirl my phone across the room. How am I supposed to ease Hannah’s mind when she’s flooded with these types of sensation seeking stories not even a week into our marriage. I pull up Hannah’s name and dial the number, hoping that she’ll answer this time.
“Hi,” she says, her voice soft and I close my eyes, my forehead resting against my cubby.
“You saw the article,” I say, my voice sounding no better than hers.
“I saw it, Luke.”
I sigh, lowering my voice to get more privacy. “Sanders, you know the truth about what’s between us. Don’t you?”
“I do.”
I can’t help but smile at those words, reminding me of the night she agreed to be my wife. Looking over my shoulder, most of the guys are moving out. I have a minute at best before I need to go.
“Tell me you’re not stressed out about this, please?” I ask, needing to know she’s alright. Although, I wish I was in front of her, so I’d be able to read her face and every detail of herexpression when she answers. I’m sure that’s all that will ease my own mind right now.
She sighs deeply. “I’m not thrilled about it, Luke, but what can we do? You are who you are, which means everything we do is going to be zeroed in on. And me not wearing a ring…it was bound to happen,” she says. “I’m just sorry that you’re hit with all of this in the playoffs. You don’t need this.”
Everything she’s saying is true. But still, the thing that’s stuck in my mind is the fact that everyone saw she wasn’t wearing a ring—it was live during the interview. I’ve wondered about it too. After last night, after she said she wants to do everything to make this work, even give up her job in Durham, why isn’t she wearing it?
“Luke?” she asks after I’m silent for too long.
“I’m here,” I say, debating whether or not I should bring it up. And if I do, is now the absolute best time to do it? I know the answer is ‘no’. I’m a pro-athlete, not an idiot. I have to get on the ice and focus. But I also know I won’t be able to focus on preparing for the game if I’m constantly worrying about what’s going on between us.
“Sanders, why aren’t you wearing your ring?” I ask, my chest feeling lighter now that the question is finally free. “You said you’re all in, why not wear it then?”
There’s a moment of silence, a moment that feels like an eternity, before she says, “I meant it when I said I was all in, Luke. I want to be your wife in every way, I want to be the wife you deserve.”
Relief floods my system hearing her reaffirm those things. I didn’t think I needed to hear it. I didn’t think I had this much doubt inside of me regarding our marriage. But clearly her not wearing her wedding ring meanssomething.
But what?
“And I want to be the husband you deserve,” I tell her,meaning every word and hoping she hears the truth of it. “I want to be worthy of everything you’re changing for us.”
“I know,” she says. “That’s exactly what I want too.”
If we want the same thing, then what’s holding her back?
“Call me later, okay?” she says, before I can ask another question. The silent plea in her voice digs into my heart. Hannah has always had an effect on me. I could never walk away from her, never do something that would hurt her. All I want to do is be with her and make her happy. Right now, it feels like I’m failing at that and it’s like a hot coal searing through my insides. I want nothing more than to rip out the part of me that’s feeling this way.
