Page 21 of From Ice to Home
Finally, I shrug. “It’s Lucas.”
Micah’s expression stays neutral, though I notice his fingers gripping his water bottle a bit tighter. My entire family has always gotten along very well with Lucas, but they obviously felt a certain way about him after we broke up—especially my brothers. I didn’t tell them the reasons for why things didn’t work out…they just saw the broken mess I was after it was over. To them it may have looked like my boyfriend left me to play in the NHL, while I went to Durham with a broken heart. Back then I never felt the need to elaborate or clear things up—in my mind it was over and done with and I had to move on. Looking back now, I’m aware that most of that was denial and me running away from my feelings.
“Lucas?” he asks, his voice tight. “I didn’t know you guys were talking again?”
His words leave a hollow feeling of guilt inside my gut.
I’m not talking to Lucas. I just married him and then fled the scene.
I shrug, the events of how we ran into each other, caught up into the early hours of the morning and ended up at The Church of Elvis flashing through my mind.
“We’re just figuring a few things out,” I say, the omission just as big as an outright lie, hating myself as the words spill from my mouth. “We haven’t really spoken since high school, so it’s all new and different. It wasn’t exactly planned.”
Micah’s gaze narrows as he takes a sip of his water, carefully choosing his next words.
“Look, I know it’s none of my business what’s going on between you two, but you’re still my sister.” He looks towards where Essie and her friends are still hanging out before looking back at me. “I care about you and what happens to you. You were a wreck after Lucas left. Why would you put yourself through that again?”
His words add more guilt to the pile. Sighing, I meet Micah’s gaze.
“He didn’t leave me, Micah. I’m the one who ended things back then,” I say, feeling a bit lighter having told him that. “It felt like the right thing to do. He needed to follow his dreams.”
Micah’s eyes widen slightly. “Wow, okay. That changes a few things. Although it still doesn’t explain why you’re talking to him now? I mean, he’s still a pro-hockey player. That part hasn’t changed—and yet you have a strange look on your face. You’re back together with him?”
I look away from Micah, unable to look him in the eye and lie again. “It’s complicated.”
That’s the best and the most honest answer I can give him right now.
“Right.” His lips twitch like he wants to say more, but instead, he lets the silence hang between us. I should’ve known he’d see straight through my attempts at keeping a secret. Micah’s ability to keep his private life private also gives him the necessary insight to read other people. It’s like his super power.
“What about you?” I ask, the need to deflect suddenly strong. “How are things with the girl-next-door?”
Micah straightens from where he’s leaning against the tree, his dark gaze narrowing. “No idea what you’re talking about.”
He knows I know he’s lying. He told me and Niel about the new girl who moved in next door, and it’s been painfully obvious all week. I’ve never seen my little brother act this way around a girl—and that’s saying something, considering he’s on the varsity football team and surrounded by admirers most of the time.
“Come on, Micah,” I nudge, taking another sip of water. “I see the way you’ve been looking at her. And you two looked pretty cozy at the bonfire the other night.”
“Obvious? Me?” he fires back, with a hint of challenge inhis voice. “Tell me more about how you’re rekindling old flames with a famous hockey star? The one who lives all the way in New York, while you’re where? Here?”
I open my mouth to retort but stop short. He’s got a point, and we both know it. We both fall silent, realizing that in this situation at least, we’re both a bit too similar when it comes to our privacy. We’re just not ready to share the unspoken truth just yet.
His words are like flaming arrows. I’ve tried my best not to think about the fact that I didn’t just marry Lucas, my ex-boyfriend from high school, but Lucas Walker the pro-athlete with a public spotlight and a career that seems larger than life. It’s like trying to separate two halves of the same person, and failing miserably.
Finally, Micah finishes his own bottle of water and brushes imaginary dust off his shorts. He glances my way, the hardness that was in his eyes a minute ago, melting away. Instead, I find my little brother with a rare softness playing on his features.
“For what it’s worth,” he says quietly, “sometimes, you don’t have to have it all figured out before you tell people what’s going on. Just saying.”
His words linger in the air, and for a moment, I wonder if they’re meant for me or for himself. After a moment, he turns and starts to walk off to the graduate campsite. Looking at him, it feels strange to see him this grown up. Next year he’ll be moving to Durham, also attending Duke. He’s no longer the little guy who snuck bugs into my room.
“Same goes for you,” I call after him, earning a small smirk tossed over his shoulder before he disappears behind the treeline.
The hum of arriving cars catches my attention. Some of the parents have started to show up, and instead of heading over to say goodbye to my little group of fourth graders, I veer off to a smaller trail that leads towards the beach.
Walking these trails has always been one of my favorite things to do here. My dad used to bring us on prayer walks, pointing out every little thing as an opportunity to reflect or give thanks. Those moments felt so simple, so natural. But right now? My thoughts are too heavy, too tangled, and I can’t seem to send them upward.
The waves come into view, their rhythm steady and unrelenting, and I let the sound fill the spaces in my mind. I glance back down at my phone, its screen glowing with more messages. My stomach twists, a knot of anticipation and uncertainty tightening around my insides.
We have to talk about this at some point, we can’t just ignore it.
