Page 14 of From Ice to Home
The kitchen grows silent and the weight of both their gazes are heavy on me.
“It was just time to come home, I guess.” I can’t bring myself to look at my mom, so instead I step around her and head straight for the counter to add more sugar to the coffee I know is perfect just the way it is. “It’s high time, don’t you think?”
“Uhm…duh,” Essie says. “You haven’t been home for what feels like forever—“
“I’ve been home,” I try to defend myself even though I know what she means. My words feel hollow and I know both of them can hear it too.
“But it doesn’t really count,” Essie counters quickly. “And you can’t even try to deny it. So what gives?”
I take a deep breath, knowing that my little sister is puttingme on the spot in a way that neither of my parents have in the past two days I’ve been home. I keep stirring the extra sugar into my coffee, gearing myself to turn around and face her. When I do, her eyes are curious and sharp, and way too observant for someone her age.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Es.” Defensiveness and guilt bubbles up inside of me at my sister’s insistence of me sharing something private. I take a sip of my now too sweet coffee and look both of them in the eye. “I never came home before, because I was busy in Durham. I had things I wanted to achieve, a life I wanted to build on my own. That’s why I never came here for more than a few days. That’s not a crime, is it?”
“So then, why now?” Essie asks.
The look on my mom’s face says more than I’d like and she turns away busying herself with the bread that’s ready to come out of the oven. For a moment I’m thankful that my mother isn’t joining the bulldozer that is my little sister. Even though I know that our family needs someone like Essie, I’m not enjoying this feature of her personality right now. Especially when it’s being directed at me.
“Like I said, I’ve stayed away long enough.” I take another sip of my coffee, unable to fully enjoy the unique taste it has when my mom makes it. “Maybe I missed getting the third degree from my little sister?” I add playfully, not able to give her more.
Essie narrows her eyes for a moment before looking away, shaking her head with a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
“You’re planning on staying a whole month right? Until camp ends?” she asks, needing me to make some sort of commitment to her even after I made one to our dad. “You’re not going to flake out after a few days giving us some nonsense about another once in a lifetime opportunity or internship?”
I give her a soft smile, knowing that beneath all thattenacity there’s a little sister who just loves having her entire family together.
“I’m here, little one,” I say simply. “My new job in Durham doesn’t start until next month, and Dad’s counting on me.”
She nods, satisfied for now before grabbing her phone off the counter which just vibrated with an incoming message. “And mom’s our witness. Right, mom?”
I glance at my mom, who looks momentarily concerned, but she quickly masks it with a reassuring smile. “I’m the witness, yes. But Essie, your sister has her reasons for coming home, and however her plans work out, we need to respect that.”
“Sure,” she says, looking down at her phone, already disengaged now that she got what she wanted. “As long as she doesn’t make other plans, because she’s already made this one.”
My stomach tightens at her words. Yes, I made a commitment to my dad, and I plan on keeping it. But there’s no way of knowing how things will play out now that I have a secret husband somewhere in the country.
“Micah needs another pillow,” Essie says, turning toward mom. “Can I just get one from his room?”
“Yes,” my mom sighs with relief. “You go get that and we’ll start loading the car.” She gives Essie a small smile as she runs upstairs leaving the two of us alone in the kitchen.
I take another sip of coffee, needing the caffeine to keep up with all the lies I’m telling my family.
“Hannah—“
“Is Micah already at the campsite?” I ask, my voice sounding disingenuous even to my own ears. I really just want to change the topic and not talk about it again. It’s just easier than having to lie and come up with half-truths. “He’ll be sleeping over there this year, right?”
“Yes,” my mom answers, attempting to hide her disappointmentwith a smile. She turns to stack a few trays with brownies and cinnamon rolls. “Your dad’s got them in tents for the first week, and then they’re moving into the cabins for the remaining three weeks. Dad took Zach and Micah over this morning, so we’ll just meet them there.”
I shove the guilt down, and focus on being here instead. It’s the best I can do right now. These past two days at home have been wonderful. Having breakfast together around one big table has always filled my heart. Even Niel came home for a few days, since he’s hiding a little secret of his own from mom and dad. It definitely lightened the load on me…a little. His secret is something I know my parents would be thrilled about, whereas mine is completely different.
Mona and Liz have been my family in Durham, and I’m grateful to have them by my side. But it’s different being around those who grew up right alongside you.
My phone vibrates in my back pocket. I’ve had it on silent, knowing my parents would want to know why it’s been ringing so much. Fully expecting it to be Lucas again, I pull it out, ready to decline the call. Instead of Lucas’s name, the screen is lit up with a picture of Liz. A small sense of relief fills me. I still have to explain to them what happened, and I’d rather do that sooner than later. I don’t want them to worry about anything.
“I’m taking these to the car,” I say, grabbing the first tray of brownies.
My mom nods without another glance and I head out the kitchen, my excuse in hand. When I reach the porch, I answer the phone.
“Finally,” Liz sighs with relief. “I was two seconds away from filing a missing persons report. If it wasn’t for google location, I’d be more upset right now. But now I’m wondering if you were kidnapped by that New York Ranger of yours?”
