Page 116 of Tear Me Down
“D?” I inhale sharply at the sudden worry behind Zeke’s voice, and a cold shock punches my gut. He wouldn’t interrupt me if this wasn’t important.
“What?”
“Ser told me to come get you,” he replies, almost as a warning, and I know what that means. There’s something wrong... The cold wave explodes behind my eyes, and I feel the trembling fear rise in my chest. I sharply turn, yanking the press off and allowing it to drop to the floor before walking out of the room. The lock to the door automatically clicks back, and I watch as Darnell walks towards it, most likely to retrieve Daisy.
“What’s going on? Is it the baby?” I start to take off in a sprint down the hall, and Zeke follows as I fling the staircase door open, flying up as I take them two at a time.
“No, it’s Ash. She’s in some weird headspace. We can’t get her to move or even respond to us. I’m not even sure she’s blinking, man. Ser said not to touch her because it could make things worse, but I don’t know what else to do. The fucking psychologist wanted us to bring her into the hospital if she didn’t start responding in a couple of hours.”
“Absolutely fucking not! They’ll just pump her full of drugs!”
“That’s why I came to get you.”
I shove the door open and sprint down the hall, not slowing for a moment as I turn into the room. At first, I’m not sure what I’m looking at. She’s still sitting on the couch and is wrapped in the same blanket, but something is off. Her stare is blank, and directed right at the wall, like she’s lost and unable to move. Her breathing is shallow and even, similar to when she’s asleep, but her eyes are open like she should be responsive, though, she clearly isn’t. I look over to Serena to see her eyes furrowed, and her arms crossed over her body like she’s hugging herself.
“We’re not taking her anywhere,” I say softly, trying not to startle Ashia.
“No, I know that. I’m not sure her or the baby could handle the medications they’d put her on.” She shakes her head and looks back at my wife. I take a moment to catch my breath before I walk around the furniture to kneel down in front of her, feeling the ache in my chest as she doesn’t even register that I’m here.
“How long has she been like this?” I ask softly, wanting to reach out and touch her, but forcing myself to stop. I’ve seen this many times when we save women from the warehouses. Dissociation comes from a very fragile mind, and the last thing I want is to fracture her beyond repair.
“It’s been three hours since we noticed,” Serena says softly, and I can’t help but jerk my head in her direction.
“Three hours? You let her sit like this for three hours before you came and got me?” I try to contain my anger and whisper, but it comes out more like a strained shout.
“We didn’t think it was a good idea to bother you until we had to. I called, and the psychologist at the hospital said to try and let her work through it as long as possible. But now it’s time for her meds, and she needs to eat something. I don’t want to have to take her in Damien, but I’ve never seen her like this…” She starts to tear up, and I have to look away from her before I do the same, settling my eyes back on my beautiful wife.
“Were there any loud noises or did anyone say something to her before this?”
“No. I walked over and turned off the lights so we could watch a movie to help her relax. After about thirty minutes, Carter came in, and it wasn’t too long after that I noticed her like this. She was laughing at the movie before—she was fine.”
I finally allow myself to touch her, just barely laying my hand on her knee, but over the blanket. My thumb delicately runs over the curve of her joint, subtly grazing her to hopefully help her register the feeling.
“Baby? Can you hear me?” I speak softly, cautiously putting more pressure from my thumb on to her knee, but she doesn’t flinch. Her eyes aren’t moving around, and it’s as if her gaze is stale. While she shows all the signs of being alive, those beautiful golden eyes don’t budge. The light that normallyresides within them is stagnant, and it’s as if the ember that’s been burning within her is almost extinguished—as if she’s giving up.
It's not hard for me to decipher what’s going through her mind, the pain and anguish that’s echoing through her psyche. It’s her own doubts and self-deprecation, every word that she’s ever thought about herself coming back to haunt her. The words that were pushed into every cut, the insults that were spoken ashestared directly at her—as if he knew they would stick—and the ground she’s worked so hard to build crumbled beneath her the moment she tried to stand tall on it. It’s all just become too much, and while I lash out when that happens, she hides. I just never thought that she would hide so deeply within herself that she would get so lost.
Carefully moving my hand, I reach up to hold her hand instead, lightly grasping her fingers as my thumb moves across her knuckles. I bring the other up to accompany it but only soothe the bruise that still covers her wrist. I’m soft enough not to cause her any pain, but the sensitive area may help pull her back.
This is it. I can’t get any lower than this. Kneeling before her and bearing witness to what I’ve caused her is tearing me apart. I knew that this would happen, that the distractions wouldn’t work and the weight of this tragedy would barrel down on her eventually. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing I can say, no words that will ease the pain. No distraction is big enough to erase this damage, and I don’t know how to help her heal.
My reassurances may not be enough this time, but I need to keep trying. No matter the angle, the plan, or what needs to be done, I need to find a way to help her. Out of all of the trauma that resurfaced, new wounds were stacked on top like bricks. Logically, we should start at the top and undo every layer that has piled up, but Ashia’s wall is so complex. I have to know where to start, or all I’ll do is demolish her.
“I need you to tell me what’s going through that beautiful brain of yours, baby girl. Let me help.” All she does is blink in a slow, almost mechanical movement, making my jaw clench as I try to keep my eyes from watering. “I’m right here, Ashia. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m going to keep talking.” I swallow hard, choking back the sob and taking a harsh breath. “I love you. No matter what’s going on in that head of yours, no matter how you’re feeling, I love you all the same. We’ll sit here as long as it takes, okay? Just try to hear my voice.”
She blinks again, and while it could be nothing but her body’s natural response, I keep going, hoping that it’s some sort of sign that she’s coming out of this.
“You are so strong, Ashia. Stronger than anyone else I know. This is not it for you, and I know that it may be hard for you to believe that, but this does not define you, baby. You are perfect, regardless of what you tell yourself, regardless of what you’ve heard. You will come out of this, and I’m going to help you, okay? Every step of the way. Whatever you need, it’s done.” I move her hand to my cheek, taking a selfish moment to soak in her touch as I cup it to my own face. As I inhale her scent, I’m compelled to grip her waist and brushmy thumb along her stomach—desperate to pull her against me and never let her go again, but I know I have to hold myself back. Any touch can become too much quickly in a situation like this, and it’s imperative that I keep her as calm as possible.
My eyes close all on their own, blocking out everyone else around us and solely focusing on her. I kiss the palm of her hand with a gentle touch, tumbling farther into her depths, and the feeling alone of her hand almost has me fumbling. The urge to lay my head in her lap and embrace her until she wakes up is strong, but I refrain, maintaining the hold of her hand on my cheek and the movement of my thumb for I’m not sure how long, all while whispering reassurances and affirmations.
It’s when her hand finally twitches against my cheek that I open my eyes, and while her gaze hasn’t moved, her fingers continue to do so. Opening and closing while gently grazing the stubble on my jaw.
“There you are, my love. Can you try to look at me?” I ask softly and carefully grip her waist just a little harder to put some feeling with my words. Her eyes blink a couple of times, still slow and robotically, but it’s progress. “Don’t rush. Take your time. I’m right here,” I reassure her, and her eyes blink again, but stay closed for a longer moment, making my stomach flip until they reopen only a second later. The strength in her hand returns barely as her eyes finally move down and eventually meet mine, taking the weight off my chest. “That’s good, baby. That’s really good. Can you say something?”
She nods lightly, taking a deeper breath than she was previously before she licks her bottom lip.
“Yeah.” The small whisper might as well be a yell in my eyes, and it might just be one of the most serene noises she’s ever made. My lungs release the strong tension all at once, and a whoosh of air escapes, kicking my heartrate up.
