Page 8 of When Ben Loved Jace
“Not so great. I’d been um… playing doctor with some of the other guys in my school. Although that makes it sound more innocent than it really was. We were old enough to really uh… Anyway, it was always one-sided. Not that I cared. I didn’t love any of those guys, but I wanted to, if that makes sense. When I put a label on my sexuality, I was as good as dead to them. I didn’t deny the rumors when they started to spread.” I meet his eye, wanting him to know how important that detail is to me. “People expected me to, but I never did. Not once. Which was lonely as hell, for a while at least, but I don’t have any regrets. I’m proud of who I am.”
“Good,” he says, nodding in approval.
“What was it like for you?”
Jace exhales, his eyes losing focus, as if he’s been transported to the past. He doesn’t answer right away. When he does, his tone is somber. “I figured it out on my own. There weren’t any other guys involved. I simply knew what I wanted. I wasn’t as proud as you though. In my mind, being gay was a bad thing. I was convinced I’d never find love or be accepted by my friends and family. So, when I was sixteen years old, I jumped off a bridge.”
I clutch his hand tighter, as if to save him from falling. “You tried to kill yourself?”
Jace nods solemnly. “Yeah. There was a river below. I never really understood how that worked when seeing it in movies. Sure it’s a long fall, but ultimately, wouldn’t it be like jumping off a really tall diving board? I knew how to swim. I guess some part of me didn’t really want to die, or I would have chosen a bridge over land. As it turns out, swimming is difficult when you’re dressed for cold weather and your clothes are weighted down with water. The air was knocked from my lungs when I hit the surface. I just about swallowed half the river while trying to get it back. I regretted my decision as soon as I’d jumped, but it was too late by then. Luckily…” His features soften. “Luckily an ornery old man was out fishing. I was his biggest catch that night. He saved me, or I wouldn’t be here now. With you.”
“I need his name and address,” I reply. “So I can send him a gift basket.”
Jace grins. “I might hold you to that.”
“I’m really sorry,” I say, the humor leaving my voice. “I can only imagine how unhappy you must have been to try something so drastic. I wish I could have been there for you.”
“It’s all right. As strange as it sounds, the suicide attempt was a turning point for me. Everything got better after that. Not just because I realized that I didn’t want to die.” He hesitates before shaking his head, and I can tell something big is there. A piece of his history he’s not ready to share yet. “A lot of good thingshappened. Life is funny that way. Just when you least expect it—”
My feet slide out from under me as I begin to skitter in place. I was hanging on so closely to his every word that I lost the rhythm. I grimace in anticipation of how badly my rump is going to hurt when it slams into the ice, but Jace keeps his grip on my hand while swiftly skating in a sharp half-circle to grab the other. Just in time too, because I lose my balance completely and slide between his open legs. He never lets go. Soon I’m staring up at him, my back parallel to the ice. He’s bending over to support me, my cheeks burning with embarrassment, but at least he saved the other pair from harm.
Jace gently lowers me. “—sometimes you fall. And see the world from a new perspective.”
I connect the words to what he’d been saying previously and am blown away by his smoothness. In more than one way. “You’re one hell of a skater!” I praise as he helps me up again.
He shrugs humbly. “The perks of growing up in a small town with not much else to do.”
Jace guides us over to the nearest wall, so I can take hold of it.
“Show me what you can do without dead weight hanging off your arm,” I suggest.
He nods with a smile. Then he takes off. I’ve watched my share of figure skating, drawn to it by the way some men fill out a pair of tights. Even with a haze of hormones obscuring my vision, I’m always awed by the talent and dedication that goes into each routine. Jace isn’t quite at that skill level. He doesn’t do any high-speed scratch spins or gravity-defying toe jumps, but he does glide around the ice with enviable grace. His attention remains locked on me for most of this. He even skates backward after blowing past so his eyes don’t have to leave mine.
“Teach me how to do that!” I say once he’s returned.
We venture back out onto the ice, chatting in between the pointers he provides. I learn that he’s twenty-five. With a birthday coming up in April, that makes him about four years my senior. He only moved to the area at the beginning of his freshman year of college. The subject of education follows us after we leave the rink and go to a restaurant attached to the mall.
“What’s your major?” he asks once we’re seated at a warmly lit table.
“Malfunction,” I reply before shaking my head. “Sorry, that’ssort of an in-joke between me and my best friend. I’m an English major.”
He snorts, but I don’t think my sense of humor is the culprit.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he says. “That just happens to be mine as well.”
“Oh no!” I cry in mock dismay. “Does that mean I’m going to end up passing out peanuts in the sky?”
“Hey, it’s a noble profession,” he counters. “I know people think we’re glorified waiters, but we’re closer to nurses. That’s who Ellen Church was. She was also a pilot, but history remembers her as the first female flight attendant. She believed that passengers would feel less fearful of flying with a trained nurse on board. The industry was much younger back then. The job still focuses on that same role today. Flight attendants are there to ensure passenger safety and comfort. Ellen Church pioneered all of that.”
“That’s really cool! I was only being facetious. In truth, I’m jealous that you figured out what you want to do. I don’t have a clue.” I wiggle the menu. “I’m not even sure what to order!”
We focus on the problem at hand until the waiter stops by our table.
“What made you decide to major in English?” Jace asks when we’re alone again.
“I like to read. It was always my best subject. I sometimes write to entertain myself. So I figured I could turn that into something. Maybe as a journalist. Although I’m not very political or into current events, so probably not.”
