Page 135 of When Ben Loved Jace
“I like that plan much better!” I say eagerly, pulling him close. “I really am sorry.”
“I believe you.” Vulnerability appears on Jace’s face. “Just don’t break my heart, Ben.”
“I won’t,” I promise him. “Not this time.”
— — —
Tim is my friend now. Everything is wonderful. But it isn’t easy. I often include Jace when Tim and I hang out. Not only to remind myself of my priorities, but also to reassure my husband, because I don’t want any of this to take a toll on our relationship. He might have the patience of a saint, but he’s still human, which becomes apparent when Tim invites us to visit a local art museum. Jace insists on bringing Adrien, who is shamelessly bitter about the single date he went on with Tim. He delights in bragging about his boyfriend while taking cheap shots.
“Funny how some of us get firmer with age while others become flabby. I remembered being impressed by your muscles, but compared to a man like Caleb, you’re little more than a twig. He could easily break you in half.”
Tim, to his credit, weathers this abuse gracefully. As for my husband, he manages to hide his satisfied smirkmostof the time. Beyond the trial by fire, things become more civil between them. Tim doesn’t flirt with me. Any memories he shares avoid acknowledging the romantic relationship we used to have. And to my absolute delight, they actually seem to enjoy each other’s company at times. Tim’s interest in art and architecture often intersects with Jace’s love for geography and history. Nothing is more surreal than seeing them engage so deeply in a subject that they seem to forget I’m there. I don’t mind not being their focus. If anything, it gives me hope, because I have a greedy heart. Why can’t it be both of them? As in all three of us together.
“Tim looks a lot more like his old self,” I mention casually one evening while doing the dishes with my husband.
“I didn’t notice,” Jace says, not expressing any interest in the subject.
“He’s trimmed down a little. While also bulking up.”
“Maybe he should see a doctor. That doesn’t sound healthy.”
I laugh before trying to broach the subject from a different angle. “Are you only into white guys or something?”
Jace shakes his head. “Victor was Native American.”
“Oh.”
“What are you really asking?”
“Do you think Tim is hot?” I blurt out. “Like at all?”
Jace shrugs. “Sure. But he’s not my type.”
“He’s not?”
Jace tosses the dish towel over his shoulder and turns to face me. “Take a look in the mirror. Tim would have to lose alotmore weight. And some height. Even then… He isn’t you. So no. Tim isn’t my type.”
I’m moved by this. And discouraged. Especially when I raise the same subject with Tim, when he meets me at the hospital for lunch one day.
“I wish I could clone Jace,” I say casually, “so you could have one of your own.”
Tim immediately shakes his head. “I don’t wanna date someone taller than me. It’s emasculating.”
“I never realized how in demand short guys are,” I reply.
Tim shrugs. “If you were going to clone someone, I’d take a couple of you.”
“Why more than one?”
Tim winks at me. “I can’t answer that, but trust me, I’d get a lot of use out of them both.” His eyes widen suddenly before he swiftly changes the subject. “Hey, the food here is actually good! So much for the old stereotypes.”
A friend and nothing more. That’s all Tim will ever be to Jace. And to me. I try to make my peace with that, because I like having them both around. I feel whole. Just about. The toughest part is when Jace goes out of town. The loneliness I feel then used to act as a reminder of how much I love him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And apparently, more appreciative of options closer in proximity, because I can feel myself slipping. I don’t want to, knowing it will result in an ending one way or another, but my transgressions—no matter how small—are starting to pile up.
Like when we invite Tim over to watch a movie with us. I often stretch out on the couch so I can rest my head in Jace’s lap. While at home, it simply feels natural, even with company over. So that’s what I do, thinking it will remind everyone of who belongs with whom. Except with Tim sitting on the far end of the couch, there isn’t enough room. My socked feet end up resting against his outer leg. I’m not wiggling my toes to get his attention or anything flirtatious. Our bodies simply happen to touch… which absorbs my complete attention for the rest of the movie. As the credits roll, Tim rises to use the restroom. Hesqueezes one of my feet before standing, perhaps urging me to give him a little space, but from the way my heart starts racing, it might as well have been an intimate kiss.
I don’t love Jace any less. As strange as it might sound, my feelings for him are heightened by all of this, our lovemaking intensified, since he’s the only one who can meet my needs. I feel so damn much for both of them. Enough that I’m distracted at my day job and struggle to learn the lines of an upcoming play. The sleepless nights don’t help.
Such as now. The bed next to me is empty. Jace won’t be home for another two days. Hot night air blows through the open window, sheets tangled up around my waist. This time of year always makes me think of Tim. The end of summer is when we first met. And reunited back in college. In both instances, despite how impossible it seemed that I would ever know his touch, we ended up together, an invisible force pulling us together. Our own personal gravity. I roll over onto my side, staring into the dark until a notification lights up the room. I grab my phone, already knowing who the text will be from.
