Page 67 of When Ben Loved Tim
“Sorry,” I hear Tim say. “It’s just that…”
I lower the menu. His expression is glum.
“Wasn’t any of this stuff hard for you?” he asks.
“What stuff?” I ask, my tone still clipped.
Tim shrugs. “You know.”
He won’t even say the word. Which does bring back a few memories. I sigh and set down the menu. “I was happy when I finally figured it out, but when my so-called friends bailed on me, I tried to go back to the way things were. I thought if I didn’t let anyone see me being gay, then the rumors would die down. So if I saw a hot guy—in real life or even on TV—I would look away. I tried to change the way I walk and talk, thinking that it wasn’t macho enough or something. I stopped singing, pretended to take an interest in sports, and was absolutely miserable.”
Tim leans forward, hanging on my every word, and I feel a burst of sympathy for him because I can tell that he relates. “So what happened?”
“I figured something out.” I reply. “Something really important. Do you know what’s worse than people hating you?”
He shakes his head. “What?”
“Hating yourself.”
Tim leans back, and I nearly laugh when he asks, “Are you sure?”
“Yes! Absolutely. I can’t control what people think about me, but I do get to decide how I feel about myself. So when I made the choice to be who I really am, I got one of my best friends back. Me.”
I expect him to roll his eyes. Instead he takes a deep breath. “Did it take you a while to—I don’t know—accept it all?”
“Yes,” I admit. I don’t think he’s trying to make a point. Tim seems genuinely curious. I remind myself that we’ve only known each other for a couple of months. This is still new to him. Granted, he’s got me as a guide, and we’ve gone further than I ever could alone. But maybe I’ve been dragging him along to get to all the good stuff I’ve yearned for, like sex, without giving him the same foundation I built for myself.
“What’s more important to you?” I ask. “Being happy or making other people happy?”
Tim thinks about it. “I honestly don’t know.”
“That’s okay,” I assure him. “Let’s flip it around. What matters more, your mom being happy, or your mom makingyouhappy.”
“I want her to be happy,” Tim says instantly.
“Good! How do you think she would answer the same question?”
“She’d want me to be happy,” he says before hesitating. “But I don’t think she’d understand.”
“Understand what?”
“Why I would risk going to Hell.”
That makes it more complicated for sure. I didn’t have to worry about religion being an obstacle with my family. His guilty expression makes me wonder if it’s also an issue for him. “Do you believe that?” I ask. “Do you think you’ll go to Hell for being gay?”
“I’m not gay,” Tim says. “I like girls.”
Oof! We really do have a long way to go. Maybe he’s bisexual, which is fine, but I’ve never heard him use the word to describe himself. “Fine,” I say. “Do you think you’ll go to Hell for lying with another man?” I ask, intentionally paraphrasing the Christian bible. “Or that you deserve to be put to death?”
“It’s not up to me!” Tim splutters.
“What about me?” I press. “I’m not turning back from this. If you got to play god for a day, what would my fate be? Would you strike me down in wrath? Or turn me straight?”
His handsome features wince in sympathy before he shakes his head. “No. I wouldn’t change you for the world, Benjamin. I like you too much.”
My heart is thudding, but I don’t get to respond, because we’re interrupted by the arrival of our drinks. We explain that we need more time, and as Tim’s gaze repeatedly seeks me out from over the menu, I decide that he does too. For now, I’ll try to be a little more patient.
So when we get to the cinema and he suggests I find us some good seats while he waits in line for popcorn and drinks, I don’t call him on the reason why. And when he joins me in the back row and takes note of every person who walks into the theater, I don’t bother pointing out that most people in our school have already seen this movie. In fact, I don’t think it’ll be showing for much longer, since most of the seats remain unoccupied. When the movie starts, we have the entire row to ourselves. Tim relaxes visibly. Then he groans.
