Page 152 of When Ben Loved Tim
Tim’s eyes widen. Probably because he’s scared I’m going to out him. I dance around on stage, rapping the chorus so Allison can follow it up and wow everyone again. While she’s singing, my attention returns to Tim. And his friends. Bryce is leaning over to shout something in Stacy’s ear. She makes a face and elbows him in the ribs to shut him up. Krista is clapping along like she’s having a grand ol’ time. As for the guy next to her… I take a deep breath and force myself to look elsewhere. I notice Danny bobbing his head and wink at him. Then I step forward to sing again.
“You’re so full of fear, and make nothing clear, but I was your willing fool.
You said we’d last, that she was in the past, but all those lies weren’t cool.”
Everything rises up inside me, the pain, anger, love, and hate. I walk to the very front of the stage, so far that my toes are hanging over the edge, my attention on one person alone. Tim is looking at me too. Like a deer caught in headlights, I don’t think he has a choice, even as my truck comes roaring down the road. His face is impassive, as if he’s trying to hide how he feels. Good luck, buddy, because I’m pushing that gas pedal down to the floor!
“Here’s the bad news, because it’s you who lose, this butterfly has chosen to abstain.
Find someone else to deceive, blind enough to believe, that you’re somehow worth the pain.”
The mask slips. Tim’s guarded expression becomes wounded. He turns his head away, like he can’t handle it. Which sums up our relationship nicely. I don’t show any mercy. Not now. I rap the chorus to him, even though he refuses to meet my gaze.
“I broke the silence, you broke my heart,
Now all that’s left is to fall apart.”
I feel Allison’s arm around my shoulder as she joins me to sing the final verse.
“He broke the silence, you broke his heart,
Now all that’s left is to fall apart.”
The song ends just as suddenly as it began. The moment Allison hits her last note, the instruments fall silent. After a beat, the audience erupts in applause. There’s a reason the school put us on last. We brought down the house! I see plenty of derision. People giving a thumbs down or trying to boo, but they’re drowned out by everyone else. Allison is leaping around in excitement. She waves at the crowd before hugging me. Then we have to retreat before the curtain drops.
I take one last look at where I last saw Tim. His friends are still there. He is not. I see him heading for the exit, the smile sliding off my face, because singing this song wasn’t a magic bullet. I still want him. And I still love him. Even though it’s over.
* * * * *
The final day of school has arrived. I can hardly believe it. I’m sitting in my physics class, occasionally checking the clock like it’s New Year’s Eve, because we’re down to the last minutes.
“When you said you could sing,” Danny says breathlessly, “I had no idea! And the way you danced… It was really—” He hesitates before shrugging. “Really hot!”
This makes me chuckle. “Thanks. That’s very generous of you.”
“I mean it!” he says. “I bet you’ll be famous someday.”
“Not if I can help it. I’d rather be happy.”
Although it did feel good to take second place. I didn’t catch the act that won, but making it close to the top was vindicating. Especially for Leon. We had a nice long talk that evening. He wants to pursue music as a career. I wish him nothing but success, because I don’t think many straight guys would be as accommodating. I took a song he wrote about his ex-girlfriend and made it ridiculously gay. And he was nothing but supportive. I’m not going to miss high school, but I do wish I’d become friends with him sooner.
“Can I ask you something personal?” Danny says suddenly.
“Sure,” I say with a shrug. “I’m an open book.”
“The guy that you broke up with… Did he go to our school? Because it felt like you were singing to him.”
My throat constricts. “Yeah. Not only that, but you’ve met him before.”
“Wow!” Danny thinks about it. “Was it Bryce?”
I laugh, mostly out of relief. “No. I can’t tell you who it was. He’s still in the closet. That’s the problem.”
“Oh. Well I bet he’s sorry now.”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“Five minutes left!” someone shouts behind us.
