Page 83 of Switch!
“I don’t think so. That’s what bugs me. I should be able to look around this room and recognize most of the people.”
I’m not able to say more. The room has grown quiet as everyone takes a seat. A priest now stands at the podium, a coffin behind him. I’ve been trying not to look at it. I reallyreallywish this wasn’t an open casket funeral.
Before the service begins, I lean toward Trixie and whisper, “I’ll be back after this is over.”
She looks surprised. “You’re leaving?”
“So to speak.”
“Oh!”
Trixie nods her understanding. I relinquish control to Jesse. He’s the one who wanted to be here. I’ll still watch everything through him, but if this something he needs to heal, I want him to experience it without interference. As the priest begins to speak, I’m tempted to escape into my black box. I feel like a murderer again. Judging from the way Eddie’s shoulders are shaking, his head hung low, I’m not the only one torturing himself.
The priest drones on about God and salvation, and when Caleb’s mother stands at the podium to speak, things really get emotional. Jesse begins to weep. I only hear snippets of her voice over his tears, but they’re enough to devastate me.
“My precious baby … so proud. … lost without him … never see the man he would have become … with the angels now.”
I remind myself that Caleb isn’t really dead, but it doesn’t help much. He’s as good as dead to the people who loved him. Even if I could return his mind to the way it used to be, they’ll never believe it’s him inside a different body. His mother might be the one exception. She’ll want it to be true, and Caleb should be able to prove it to her, given enough time. That possibility rests squarely on my shoulders. Nobody else is searching for a solution. Being here makes me feel tremendous pressure to make things right again, every sob a reminder of the pain I caused. More people take the podium to speak. I hang on every word, letting each strengthen my resolve. Iwillmake this right!
“If any of you would like to view the body,” the priest says, center stage again, “and say your final goodbyes, please quietly and respectfully line up to do so. Afterwards there will be a procession to Saint Katherine Cemetery.”
“That was intense,” Trixie says, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. “Are we going to look at the body?”
Jesse exhales. “I’d like to.”
I wish he didn’t. We stand in line and watch people take turns grieving. Sarah is just ahead of us. Only one person stands between her and us. Trixie looks over at me a few times. Jesse doesn’t react. He’s aware of Sarah, but his intent is to avoid her. Together we watch as she reaches the casket, places the small bundle of flowers inside, and leans over as if intending to kiss Caleb goodbye. She doesn’t manage to. Instead she grips the edge of the casket and weeps. I feel helpless. I want to comfort her but—
Trixie leaves my side. She walks up to Sarah, speaking quiet words I can’t hear, before guiding her away. The person in front of us is quick. Their reaction isn’t nearly as emotional. Now it’s my turn.
Or Jesse’s. He stares at the body, which is in much better shape than when he last saw it. The mortician did a good job of hiding Caleb’s injuries. He still looks strange to me though. Like a giant doll of the actual person. I’m trying to clamp down on my emotions because seeing Caleb restored in this way makes Jesse feel better. As for me, it’s painfully uncomfortable to be faced with a body I so desperately coveted, stole, and then… Enough. I can’t change what happened. I can only make it right.
“I’m sorry,” Jesse says, voicing the sentiment we both share.
He turns away from the casket and looks down the aisle. Sarah and Trixie are talking near the exit. I can’t resist. Reasserting control, I walk over to join them.
Sarah notices me first. “Travis, right?”
I nod. “Hello, Sarah.”
She offers a sad smile. “It was nice of you to come. Have you spoken to Caleb’s parents? I think they would like that you’re here.”
“Maybe you can tell them for me,” I say. “I can’t handle any more crying. From me or from them.”
“I know the feeling,” Sarah says. “I nearly lost it until your friend here…” She looks to Trixie in confusion. “I’m sorry. Is that right?”
“I’m his niece,” Trixie explains. “He brought me along for emotional support.”
“Then I thank you for being my emotional support too,” Sarah says. “Are you riding with the funeral procession?”
“We can’t stay,” I answer quickly. “Jesse has a shift starting soon.”
Sarah looks confused. “Jesse?”
“That’s me!” Trixie says. “I work at the mall. And besides, you’re on the clock again soon, aren’t you, Uncle Travis?”
I nod. “Yeah. But it was nice seeing you again, Sarah. I’m really sorry. About everything.”
“It’s okay.” She places a hand on my forearm, eyes watery and vulnerable as they stare up at me. Then she turns to Trixie to give her a hug.
