Page 46 of Switch!
Back in the present, I flip through the pages, noticing the dog-eared corners. I close the book and check the spine, which is creased. The book had been new when Caleb got it. He didn’t ask his friends for spoilers or research the plot online. Caleb had stayed up late to read the book all the way through. And did so again and again over the years that followed. He kept it hidden, like it was porn. The thought would make me laugh if it wasn’t so sad. The kid who wanted to sew buttons onto a blouse—the young man who wished he would become a prince of Narnia so he could explore enchanted lands and meet magical creatures—was berated and coerced into being someone else entirely.
That’s when it finally clicks. Caleb despised me for being myself. Or maybe he had finally accepted the lessons he was raised with and saw me as weak and feminine for wanting to read. I can’t be sure, because Caleb never reached a conclusion as to why he hated me. He just knew that he did. The reasons behind his actions weren’t of interest to him, probably because that required looking into his own past. I don’t enjoy digging through his history either, but I delve into it now, because I need to understand:
Be a man.The time Major McCain made Caleb toss his favorite teddy bear into the fireplace.Be a man.Caleb’s pet turtle had died, his father mocking the tears he cried.Be a man.A girl moved in next door and became his best friend until Caleb’s father found out.Be a man.He didn’t cry when the family dog died.Be a man.Caleb didn’t let himself feel anything when his first girlfriend said she loved him.Be a man.Frivolous things like books about fantasy lands stayed hidden. Caleb had become a man.
My stomach feels sick, because I’ve become that man too. When’s the last time I read a book? Not since inhabiting this body. I haven’t even visited Tacoma’s libraries. Why? Am I no longer interested, or is the programming Caleb went through affecting me? The cardboard moving box becomes a victim of my frustration as I stomp on it and shove it into the recycling bin. I bringThe Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobewith me when I leave the garage. Once I’m in my room again, I open the closet and take my old backpack from its hiding place. Inside is my notebook, photos of my old life, and a few other keepsakes. One of them is a library card, worn around the edges from use.Travis Anderson. Laramie County Library.That’s who I am. That’s where I come from. I fondle these relics until I feel reassured that I’m not slipping away somehow. Then I put them back again, including Caleb’s copy ofThe Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
I hope he’s happy. If there’s any part of him that remained Caleb, he now has a room full of books to indulge in. Maybe he can use those stories to find himself—not who he used to be, but the person he was meant to become.
As for me, the injustice of it all is enough to make my jaw clench. The tension doesn’t leave when I get into bed. I keep changing positions, trying to get comfortable, until I kick the sheets off in frustration. Then I roll over, prop myself up on one elbow, and pound the mattress with my fist, disturbed by how much better this makes me feel.
Fifteen ↔ Chapter
Sarah asks me to plan our swimming date. I decide we should spend it on Anderson Island. I’ve wanted to visit there since moving to Tacoma, amused that it shares my last name. My old one, anyway. Getting to the island involves a twenty-minute ferry ride, which I’m looking forward to. After parking my truck on the boat, we climb the stairs to the upper deck, where she lets me hold her from behind as we watch the world glide by. The overcast sky has me worried. I want the day to stay warm enough for us to swim. I’m filled with anticipation when the sparkling water gives way to an island lush with trees. I’m quickly falling in love with the Northwest. And the girl in my arms.
Lunch is our first priority once we’ve reached the shore. I guide us to a corner café that I picked out the night before, based on the reviews. After we’ve eaten, we browse the neighboring shops, Eddie’s warning on my mind. As much as I enjoy spending time with Sarah, I want to be more than friends. I’ve been looking into Caleb’s past with women to prepare for this day. His relationships always ended badly. Because he was a jerk. I won’t be modelling my personality after his, but the rest of his experiences should be useful.
“It’s nice here,” Sarah says once we’re on our way again. “Makes me wonder why I’ve only been on this island twice before.”
I’m driving us to the next location, which I’m hoping isn’t old news to her. “What did you do?”
“The first time was with a bunch of my friends. We were still a year shy of getting our licenses, so we walked everywhere. All I remember is being sweaty and how bad my feet hurt. And that we got lost on some backroad just in time for it to start raining.”
“That’s terrible,” I say with a chuckle. “What about the other time?”
“My parents took me to the vineyard. I was old enough to drive by then. That’s why they brought me along. I ended up being their designated driver. Nothing is more fun than sipping Diet Pepsi while watching your parents get drunk.”
“Are you being sarcastic?” I glance over at her. “Because that actually sounds kind of fun.”
“Maybe at first. Then they started singing. Loudly. In public.”
Sarah has a good relationship with her family, which I envy. “Have you ever gone swimming here?”
“Nope.”
“Good. Because we’ve arrived.”
I nod at the sign for Lowell Johnson Park before making a left turn. When planning this date, my first instinct was to take Sarah to a local theme park that offers water slides, a wave pool, and such. Then I saw the photos of crowds and searched for somewhere more secluded. That’s how I discovered “The Ol’ Swimmin’ Hole” as it’s affectionately called by locals. We won’t be bathing in the waters of the Sound, but rather a lake in the middle of the island. The park we’ve just pulled into shares a shore with it.
I’m hoping the humble environment is as much to my date’s liking as it is my own. We both love nature. Sarah impressed me with her knowledge of plants during our hike together. And she couldn’t stop smiling. I want more of that.
The park we’re in now has the same vibe as a campground. After leaving the truck, we walk alongside the trees, passing a sandy rectangle used for volleyball. The lake is beyond this, a short wooden dock stretching over the water. Two floating docks are farther out. One has a basic slide attached to it, the other a wooden tower for diving. The opposite shore is dotted with trees and a scattering of houses.
“Very charming,” Sarah says, nodding in approval as she appraises the scene.
“You really like it? If not, we can go to the vineyards for a diet soda.”
Her eyes twinkle. “I prefer it here. How about this spot?”
She taps her foot on a bare patch of ground. I shake out the blanket I brought and lay it out there. Once we’re seated, Sarah undoes her shorts and shimmies them down her legs. I’m staring openly as she pauses in stripping off her T-shirt.
“You too,” she says.
“Oh. Right!” As I take off my shirt, I imagine Melvin Garcia in a bikini instead. By the time my socks, shoes and jeans come off, I’m more in control of my urges, but only just. As we’re standing side by side in our swimsuits, I feel like sending Eddie a fruit basket as a token of my appreciation, because this was a great idea. I sneak another peek at her, noticing breasts that are big enough to fill even Caleb’s hands. The thought is enough to drive me wild, so I look instead to the mostly flat tummy. Sarah has some padding around her wide hips, which I like, and I know it sounds dumb, but her bellybutton is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. When my eyes dart upward again self-consciously, I’m relieved to discover that she’s checking me out too. My package especially, which isn’t getting any smaller.
Sarah meets my gaze, smiles demurely, and holds out her hand. “Ready?” she asks. “The best way is to jump right in.”
I nod my agreement while grinning at her. After I take her hand, we run down the shore and along the dock, leaping in at the far end. The water is bracingly cold, to say the least, but after gasping and exchanging shocked expressions, we begin to swim. The exertion helps warm us. This might be the only sport that I’m actually skilled at, so I’m happy to discover that Caleb’s body does nearly as well as my old one did.
