Page 138 of Switch!
“No.”
“It’s not a choice. I can’t deal with what’s going on. Only you can. Please. We don’t have much time. If people notice I’m passed out in public, we’ll end up in the hospital again. You might think you’re untouchable in here, but neither one of us knows what medications would do to us. Especially the kind that affect the mind. I only need you to take control for the next hour, and if you want, you can come back afterwards.”
Patrick sighs. “What’s the situation?”
“It’ll be quicker if you access the memories I’ve made. I know that’s a literal headache, but try not to show it. People might be watching us.”
He studies me. Then he nods.
“On the count of three. We’ll both make our black boxes disappear. Okay? One. Two.”
“Three.”
Patrick says this aloud as his physical head jerks upward. We’re back in church, and he’s in control. The memories plow into him, like they always do, but to his credit he only winces. The emotions come next. They’re his, not mine. Patrick looks over and sees Ruth sitting there.
“Mama?”
When she looks over in response, his lip starts to tremble. Then he cries. She doesn’t ask why. All she does is pull him close so he can rest his head against her and weep. To my relief, he’s happy to see her. His father too. Once Patrick remembers that Laura is sitting not far away… the feeling is indescribable. Sarah times a hundred. All the longing I’ve felt for her multiplied and tempered by years of separation. I’m worried that Patrick won’t be able to deal with it—that he’ll retreat inside of himself again—but instead he sits upright and attempts to pull himself together. Each time he looks at Laura, the feeling in his chest is unmistakable, even if he hasn’t felt it in a long time.
Hope.
— — —
Patrick watches Laura for most of the service. Once it’s over, he makes sure not to lose track of her as people file out of the church. Then he follows, waiting for the right opportunity. Laura is with a friend from high school. Maybe that’s who encouraged her to attend church because neither of them had done so as adults. He watches as they say goodbye. Laura is walking alone toward the parking lot when he hurries to catch up and taps her gently on the shoulder.
She spins around, and for one terrible moment, she doesn’t seem to recognize him. Then her features soften. “Patrick.”
“Yeah,” he croaks in response. “I…”
Miss you, want you, failed you. There’s too much he wants to say. I’m tempted to take over again, just to spare him the embarrassment, because now he’s only making creaking noises. He pulls it together enough to say, “Can we talk?”
“Yes,” Laura says instantly. “Absolutely. Um…”
They both glance around. Patrick nods toward a section of the church’s lawn where a bench sits under the shade of a tree.
“Are you home visiting your family?” Laura asks as they walk toward it.
“Yeah. Just flew in last night. And you? I thought you were—”
“Boston was a bad idea,” Laura says quickly. “I’m better here. Connecticut feels like home.”
They reach the bench and sit, not looking at each other.
“How are you doing?” Patrick asks in a gravelly voice, the question heavily loaded.
“I’m… coping. You?”
Patrick glances over at her before shaking his head.
“I’ve been worried about you.” Laura takes a shuddering breath. “I wasn’t even sure if you were alive.”
“There were times I didn’t want to be,” Patrick admits.
“Me neither.”
He looks over at her in surprise. “You mean…”
Laura nods. “I contemplated suicide. Is there anything we wouldn’t do to be with her again? It felt like a betrayal when I realized the answer. I was tempted, yes, but it wouldn’t be fair to the people who love us.”
