Page 61 of Switch!
I return to the black box to continue my work, and after more effort, I’m sitting in my old room again. Only the walls are different—black and reflective instead of matte white. I think it looks cool. While stretched out in bed, I attempt to work through issues of my own. Starting with my guilt.
I try to be generous. The accident itself wasn’t my fault. I certainly never wanted Caleb to die. Even when he bullied me. Am I still to blame regardless? Would events have played out the same, had I not taken over Caleb’s body? He still would have met Eddie, most likely, and if they became friends, ended up at the same party. Caleb probably would have fought the basketball player instead of getting on Eddie’s bike. Or maybe he would have been grounded that night or out on a date with some other girl or any number of other variations that would have changed events enough to spare his life.
I find this hard to wrap my head around, so I approach the subject from a different angle and imagine what would have happened if I’d stolen Caleb’s truck instead of his body. If I had gone for a joyride and gotten into an accident, even if it was the other driver’s fault… Any judge worth his salt would make me pay for those damages and serve some sort of sentence. A suspended license, community service, time spent in juvenile hall, guilty, guilty, guilty.
I stare at an imaginary ceiling and sigh. The only consolation is that my intentions were never cruel. I regret what happened. Caleb has my body now. That seems like a fitting punishment, but it isn’t justice. That will only come if I find a way to give him back his mind.
I won’t be able to do that from Tacoma, although I’m not quite ready to leave. I continue to check on Jesse, noting his progress. He attends his first counselling session and leaves feeling stronger. He relies on friends and family to keep his spirits high and turns to Colin during more vulnerable moments. Before a week has passed, he’s back on the schedule again, insisting he’s fine even though Shirley assures him he can take more time off if need be. In the end they compromise; his first few shifts back on the job will be shorter than usual with a counselling session between each. He does fine the first day, from what I can gather. Not wanting to see more dead or injured bodies, I retreat to the back of his mind for most of it. Only afterwards, when Jesse is dropped off in front of his apartment, do I take control.
Patting down his pockets reveals car keys. Memory tells me where to find the vehicle they belong to. Once in the car, I buckle up and drive to the restaurant where I used to work. I don’t know if Sarah will be there, only that this is her usual shift. As soon as I pull into the parking lot and see her car, my heart begins thudding. I’m excited, nervous, upset, and increasingly lightheaded when I enter the restaurant. The greeter tries to seat me in the wrong section, so I point to the booth I want. The one where Sarah and I had our first meaningful conversation.
I don’t see her right away. Not until she appears from the kitchen and sets a glass of water on my table. I’m still emotional, but I’m also confused. Something is different.
“Do you know what you want yet?” Sarah asks. Her face is pale. She doesn’t smile or make eye contact. She just stands there, staring down at a pad of paper while poised to write.
“The pulled chicken sandwich is my favorite,” I say. That’s what I ate most often during my break.
She glances up at me. Then she nods and walks away without asking if I want anything else to drink. I watch as she puts in the order and tends to other tables, still puzzled because something is seriously off. I know she’s sad. She must know about Caleb’s death by now. I can’t expect her to behave normally. I get all of that. And yet…
I don’t find her attractive. That sounds harsh considering the circumstances, but it’s not as simple as Sarah looking a little unkempt. I’ve seen her first thing in the morning, and if anything, I found her even more beautiful then. It’s only when she collects payment from another customer that I figure it out. The guy has a small build and a tidy appearance. As he stands to leave, my eyes dart down to check out his butt.
I’m gay.
Sort of. Jesse is gay, and it’s obviously not a choice, because even with me behind the steering wheel his biological impulses have me noticing men instead of women. I still love Sarah. I can feel that emotion burning in my chest, but the physical attraction is no longer there.
“Pulled chicken,” Sarah says when she sets down my plate. She’s already walking away, so I grab her wrist. I quickly let go again when she turns a fiery gaze on me.
“Sorry!” I say. “I’m actually here for a different reason. You’re Sarah, right? Sarah Willoughby?”
Her expression is guarded. “Yes.”
“Do you have a moment?”
“Not really.”
I suppose if she had died in an accident instead of me, I wouldn’t feel like talking to anyone either. “I was there that night,” I explain. “During the accident. I’m a paramedic.”
She stares at me and somehow manages to become even paler. “Caleb?” she asks.
I nearly believe that she recognizes me somehow. The mysterious power of love, maybe. But as Sarah slowly takes a seat, she says. “You were with him when he…”
“Yes.”
Her chin starts to tremble. “Tell me everything. I don’t care how upsetting it is. I need to know. Was he in pain?”
“No,” I say instantly. “It was peaceful. That’s how it is with internal bleeding. Not always, but sometimes.” Please don’t let her look up any of this!
Sarah’s jaw clenches. She’s breathing through her nose, trying to keep it together. “Did he say anything?”
Hurts.
I steel myself before continuing. “That’s why I’m here. He mentioned you. Caleb wanted me to tell you something.”
Tears are already spilling down her cheeks. “What did he say?”
“That he loves you. He wanted you to know that. It was important to him.”
Sarah covers her mouth and nose with her hands. Her voice is creaky and muffled when she replies. “I loved him too. I’ll never stop. Ever!”
