Page 57 of Switch!
No sense in risking my own life by getting wasted. Besides, I promised myself I wouldn’t bring work home with me.
Home. The longing we feel is mutual. Jesse gets the bartender’s attention, this time to pay. Then he stands and leaves. I expect him to hail a cab or call a ridesharing service. Instead he walks down the street. Whenever the accident comes to mind, he shoves it away again.
Gotta leave it behind. Just for tonight.
Six blocks later, he turns up a street and stops in front of an apartment complex. The building is newer than the one I used to live in, the landscaping nicer. Jesse looks up at an apartment on the second floor. The balcony door is lit from the inside.
He sighs, steels himself, and goes inside. Up a flight of stairs is a door with a wooden hand-painted sign hanging on it. Beneath the carving of a country cottage are the words,Welcome, friends!Jesse either has a thing for arts and crafts, or his wife is still up and waiting for him.
He attempts to be stealthy when opening the front door. Jesse manages to close it again before a voice makes us both jump.
“You’re home early!”
He turns, and I see a thin, red-headed man standing in the entryway. A roommate, I assume. He’s wearing flannel boxers with an oversized T-shirt, and for some reason, he’s walking toward me with no sign of stopping. When he enters my personal space and puckers his lips, I panic. Kissing someone other than Sarah would have been bad enough, but this… No no no!
Jesse takes a step back.
The man in front of him—Colin is the name that comes to mind—looks concerned. “Uh oh!” he says. “Was it a hard day?”
“Yeah,” Jesse replies, his throat aching with emotion. He’s unable to contain it this time. His body shakes as he starts to weep. “I lost one of them.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry!”
Colin moves toward me again, and this time I don’t resist, because I can feel Jesse’s need for comfort. The arms that wrap around him are more soothing than any drink could be. I experience flashes of memories from five years ago. A vacation to Provincetown with friends, meeting a young guy who was visiting there from New Orleans, and how phone calls and trips to see each other turned into a burning desire to combine their lives into one. Colin had given up everything to move to Tacoma, just to be with Jesse. That was three years ago. They plan to get married in September.
I’ve never met anyone who’s gay before, or given much thought to political issues like marriage equality. All I know is that Jesse’s feelings for Colin don’t seem any different from what I feel for Sarah. If anything, I’m relieved to finally have confirmation that I really do love her. Oh god, is that over now? Have I lost her?
“I don’t want to lose you,” Jesse squeaks.
“You won’t,” Colin replies. “You know me. I’m the guy who turns the circuit breaker off just to change a lightbulb.”
Jesse laughs and pulls away to wipe his nose.
“Come on,” Colin says, taking his arm and pulling on it. “I made my famous bean soup, if you’re hungry. Doesn’t matter either way. You have to eat. Food cures everything.”
“How would you know? You weigh ten pounds when wet!”
“Yeah, well, I live with a paramedic. He gives me all the cures I need.”
I feel uncomfortable intruding on their lives like this. I try to give them privacy as they talk and eat. Jesse says he isn’t ready to discuss the details yet. Thank goodness. I’m not ready to relive them. All he tells Colin is that it was a motorcycle accident and that, “the victim was way too young.” Even this minimal description chokes him up. I get emotional too when noticing the hour. It’s past midnight now. That means it’s officially Caleb’s birthday.
I don’t want Jesse to learn this. It would only upset him more. I need to find a way to protect him from my thoughts and feelings until I can figure out what my next step is. At first I try to silence my internal dialog, which is nearly impossible. Especially when I can still hear what’s being said at the dinner table, which of course triggers more thoughts.
I try something different and imagine myself unplugging from Jesse’s senses, one by one, until I’m cut off from the world and left alone with only my thoughts. After a few attempts, this begins to work. A little too well. I’m essentially blind and deaf. The experience is similar to being trapped in the void, but thankfully, without the sensation of drowning. I can’t even feel his body anymore, which is disturbing. Fearing that I slipped out of it unintentionally, I swim my way back to the surface and discover that I’m still with Jesse. He’s walking to the kitchen with a stack of dirty dishes.
Interesting! I wasn’t aware of his actions once I retreated into my private space. I hope that means he wasn’t aware of me, even subconsciously.
“Nope!” Colin says when he sees me coming. He’s already at the sink and rinsing up. “This is a no-Jesse zone at the moment. You’ve had a hard-enough night. Let me take care of those. Go sit on the couch and relax. I’ll be there soon.”
The surge of affection Jesse feels for him reminds me again of what I felt for Sarah. Is this what it would have been like to live together? The thought makes me morose. Jesse too, judging from the way Colin looks at him with fresh concern.
“If you want to be helpful,” he gently suggests, “why don’t you open a bottle of wine for us?”
I know what will make him feel even better. I disconnect again, not wanting to bring him down him any further. I return to my self-induced sensory-deprivation tank before deciding that it’s the worst kind of solitary confinement. I can’t do this for the rest of my existence. Craving a point of reference, I allow myself to visualize a small room with impenetrable black walls. An invisible source of light reflects off obsidian walls. The floor beneath my feet matches them, as does the ceiling above. The more I focus on these details, the more real they become until it appears as if I’m standing in the middle of a black box. The light is dim. I raise a hand, expecting to see strong thick fingers. Instead they are skeletal, pale, and incredibly familiar. No matter how many bodies I try on, my soul remains Travis, it would seem.
For some reason this sets me off. I begin to sob, sitting on the floor and indulging in a mixture of self-pity and guilt. I try to hold back, not wanting to cause anyone else harm. I’ve done enough damage tonight. I don’t want to upset the person who tried to save me. I need to find out if he’s still being influenced by my thoughts. I hope not, or he’s probably fighting off the urge to redecorate the apartment with a fresh coat of black paint.
As an experiment, I will the black room to disappear, reconnecting me with the world. Jesse has moved yet again. He’s on the couch now, cuddled up with Colin, who is laughing at a sitcom. I feel the warm buzz of alcohol. Jesse is finally starting to relax. This changes when my sorrow starts to bleed into his emotions, so I quickly withdraw to my private place to spare him.
