Page 100 of Something Like Summer
“Come here.”
Ben looked up from hisscript. Jace was standing there, his hand held out tohim.
“Come to bed withme.”
“We just got up,” Bensaid, checking his watch.
“Come.”
Ben took his hand andfollowed. He understood what this was about. There were only a fewdays until Jace’s next surgery, and they both had been tense allweek. Jace had lost his temper a few times, nothing major, but forhim even the slightest bit of anger was a transgression.
“We’re okay,” Ben assuredhim as he sat on the bed. Samson blinked at them sleepily, beforecontinuing his nap.
“No, we’re not,” Jacesaid. He wouldn’t let go of Ben’s hand. He pulled him down,wrapping Ben’s arm tightly around himself so they were pressedtogether.
“What’s going on?” Benasked. He could feel Jace’s heart thudding against hisarm.
“My head hurts,” Jaceswallowed back tears. “Just like last time.”
Ben tried to get up butJace wouldn’t release him.
“Just stay with me,” Jacepleaded. “It was a miracle I made it last time. I’m not going toagain.”
“You don’t know that!” Benpleaded.
“You know the statisticsas well as I do.”
Only fifty percent survivean aneurysm. Of those only another fifty percent survive thesurgery, and the chances of making a full recovery withoutcomplications were even slimmer. Ben had repeated those facts inhis head over and over again. He could only imagine how often Jacehad.
“Please, I don’t want usto argue, not now, and I don’t want to die in ahospital.”
“Jace.”
“Please do this for me. Ilove you, Ben.”
Ben held him and kissedhim, and told him a hundred times how much he loved him. He didn’tstop, even when Jace’s breath became ragged. He held him until hisbody ached with discomfort and his stomach grumbled with hunger,long after Jace had stopped breathing. When the last of the lighthad left the room, Ben took Samson and shut the door behindhim.
* * * * *
That the sun still rose thenext morning was incredibly unjust. Someone good had died. Peoplestill woke up, had breakfast, went to work, and it was wrong.Flower petals still opened in the sun’s early light, and animalsstill grazed the day away, their minds untroubled. Someone good haddied and the world had the audacity to move on.
Ben refused to. He nolonger ate, and when he drank it wasn’t to give his body nutrition.He didn’t read, he didn’t watch TV, he didn’t entertain himself. Hedidn’t work, shower, or clean the house. The only task he allowedhimself was making the necessary arrangements for Jace’s body, andeven that was quickly taken over by Allison when she discovered thestate he was in.
Ben knew he would die of abroken heart long before the funeral. If he didn’t, he would findanother way to be with Jace again, no matter how extreme. Ben hadnever given much thought to the afterlife, but now it was hisobsession. If he could get there, they could bereunited.
Three days after Jace’sdeath, Ben realized he hadn’t fed Samson. Everything had beenforgotten in his grief, but the cat’s yowling could no longer beignored. He wavered uncertainly before opening the can of cat food.What was to become of Samson? Who would take care of him after Benwas gone? Someone would, surely, but what if he was unwanted ormistreated? Jace had loved Samson more than anything and wouldn’twant to see him with strangers. What was Ben going to do, kill thecat before he killed himself?
Samson began meowingdesperately as Ben tried to make up his mind. The cat had beenaloof and unhappy the last couple of days, but obviously he stillwanted to eat. Ben opened the can, his mouth watering at the smell.Hunger hit him hard, causing his stomach to cramp and his head toswim. He scooped the food out onto a plate on the floor beforeopening the cupboard and grabbing a loaf of white bread.
He shoved a piece into hismouth. The flavor was exquisite. After seventy-two hours of noteating, he thought the spongy slice of bread a meal fit for a king.Ben didn’t think about what he had done until he swallowed. He,like the rest of the world, had decided to go on, and the thoughtmade him cry.
Ben promised himself tonever stop hurting, to never let the pain leave him. He would acheinside and out, just as much as he did today, never letting itfade. He would never allow anyone to believe he was okay. Timewould never heal his wounds. More than anything, he promisedhimself he would never love again.
__________
Epilogue:
Austin, 2008
