Page 78 of Every Step She Takes
“I’m surprised by how strong I feel,” Ari chimes in. “I haven’t always had the best relationship with my body, but on the Camino, my body… it’s all I have, really. And every day, my body carries me along this path. I’m so grateful for my body, and that’s not a feeling I’ve had before.”
Several nods and murmurs of agreement echo around the half circle. “This is so far beyond my comfort zone,” Ro says when the chorus dies down. “Not the walking part, but the walking with other people. The…” Ro coughs awkwardly into their closed fist. “The sharing. I don’t normally do shit like this. No offense, Inez.”
She bows graciously from her rock perch. “None taken.”
“I just… I haven’t always been great at, uh… expressing my… my feelings.”
Rebecca reaches over and puts a hand on Ro’s shoulder. “You’re still awful at it, love.”
More laughter. I want to join in with it, but I’m stuck in my head, and the only thing I can do is peel this orange.
“Hell, this is Dr. Phil–level for me,” Ro dad-jokes. “I didn’t grow up in a family where we talked openly about our feelings. And I think, being Muslim, and queer, and trans… well. I learned to ignore a lot of my emotions, because if I acknowledged my emotions, then I might have to face the truth of myself.”
My eyes land on Sadie across the half circle, but she’s staring down at her shoes.Myshoes on her feet.
“But I’m trying to be more open,” Ro grunts. “Rebecca has this way of getting me to talk every night before bed—” Ro pauses to chuckle as Rebecca fluffs her hair in a self-congratulatory fashion. “And even chatting with Mal about my babies…” Ro nudges me with their elbow. “That’s hard for me, and I appreciate you listening.”
Fuck. I am an asshole. I only listened to Ro talk about their corgis to avoid Sadie. It didn’t occur to me that Ro was trying to connect with me in a meaningful way—in the only way they know how.
I stare down at my guilt orange and break off a slice. The juice explodes inside my mouth.
“I’m so proud of you, Ro,” Inez says from across the way.
I expect Ro to bristle at being told this by someone twenty years younger, but they simply exhale and say, “Thank you, Inez. For pushing me to be proud of myself.”
I’m about to cry again. I try to rub a rogue tear out of my eye, but I’ve got orange juice on my fingers, and all it does is burn.
“I am proud of myself as well,” Stefano interjects. “I am learning to slow down. To stop and smell the roses, as they say.”
Stefano is currently standing on the edge of the semicircle, doing push-ups in the dirt while everyone else sits. “I am really learning relaxation.”
Everyone laughs again.
“What?What?” Stefano asks sincerely as he pulls himself into Mountain pose, searching the faces in the half circle for clarification. “What is funny?”
Inez moves the conversation along. “What about you, Sadie?”
Sadie’s gaze finds mine, and after a morning of avoiding her, the sight of her blue-green eyes and her pink blush burns as badly as the orange in my eye.
“Have you surprised yourself on this trip?” Inez prods.
“Yes,” Sadie croaks. “Um, yes. Yes, I have.” She bites down on her upper lip for a moment, and everyone waits to see if she’ll elaborate on her feelings. She usually doesn’t.
“I’ve surprised myself in a lot of ways. My hair, for one.” She makes a sweeping gesture to her short hair crammed beneath her cheap baseball hat with the vulva-shaped oyster. “And the tattoo, of course. And, um… I’ve been questioning, I guess. Trying to figure out who I am and what I want.”
Sadie smiles shyly, beautifully, as she tries to tuck her hair behind her ear beneath her hat. She’s wearing hardly any makeup today. She’s all freckles and sunburn and herself. Beside her, Vera wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls Sadie into a sideways hug, while I’m across the semicircle, grinding an orange into pulp in my hands.
“I’m trying to be kinder to myself,” she says, “for not having it all figured out already.”
Inez twirls the clear crystal dangling from around her neck. “How boring would life be if we didn’t have anything left to discover about ourselves?”
NINETEENBAIONA, SPAIN
Sadie
Mal has been avoiding me.
She was already gone this morning when I woke up, and she’s made a deliberate effort not to be alone with me all day. Andthank fucking Godfor that.
