Page 119 of Every Step She Takes
“I wanted to introduce myself,” Gloria says with a corporate smile. I can see why the board nominated her as interim CEO.
“Are you hoping I’ll call you mommy?” I ask. And wow. She’s not ruffled by that at all. Gloria’s eyes dart over to Inez.
“Do you think we could possibly speak in private for a moment?”
“Whatever you have to say to me, you can—” I start, but then Inez detaches herself from me. With another kiss on my cheek, she swans across the room, leaving me along with Wife Number 5.
“Thank you,” Gloria begins, and I’m not sure what I’ve done to merit her gratitude. She continues, “I know you weren’t on good terms with your father at the time of his passing, and I’m sure I feel like an extension of him. So, thank you for being willing to talk with me at all.”
Well. Wife Number 5 is more perceptive than I gave her credit for.
“I also realize this is probably the last thing you want to hear today, but…” Gloria pauses, licks her lips, then forces out the words. “But he was so, so sorry.”
“You’re right,” I bark. “Thatisthe last thing I want to hear, Mommy Dearest.”
Gloriastillisn’t ruffled. “I understand. I really do. But I know he would want me to tell you. He was sorry for what happened between you, and for never making it right.”
“And he wanted his secretary to pass along that message?”
Her fake eyelashes flutter, but she doesn’t break. “He knew he messed up beyond reproach. He was really trying to find a way to bridge the distance between you.”
I think about all the inane texts he would send me about birds he saw from the back porch; the emails with links to articles I never read; the birthday cards with cash and a scribbledLove, Papai; the phone calls with voice messages that said, “Just had a minute as I was driving into town. No need to call me back.”
Thatwas really trying? Was I supposed to read between the lines on aNew Yorkerarticle about urban development and fucking decode his apology?
Bullshit.
“Why does the burden always fall on the queer kid to be the bigger person who forgives their ignorant parents who arereally trying?” I yell at the woman in front of me, because it’s too late to yell at him.
Because even when I had the chance, I never yelled at him.
“I know,” Gloria says calmly.
“Do you know?”
“Yes. I’m bisexual.” Her words are measured and unemotional. “My parents initially kicked me out when I was sixteen, and it took us years to repair that damage.”
“Oh.”
There’s almost a hint of feeling in her voice as she says, “And I was so angry with Valentim when I learned he’d done the same thing to you. And worse, that he had it in his power to make it right and he hadn’t.”
“Why didn’t he just make it right?” I ask, even though I know Wife Number 5 won’t be able to give me the answers I really need.
“He had so much shame about how he reacted back then.”
“Boo fucking hoo for him. He was embarrassed about how he reacted? Well, he taught me to be embarrassed of who I am, so it sounds like he got what he deserved.”
A solemn nod. “He did.”
“And if he was really trying to do better, he could’ve saidsorry.”
“He should have,” she agrees. “But he didn’t. He wasn’t a perfect man. He was stubborn as hell. A trait, I think, you may have inherited from him.”
“I’ve never been stubborn about anything a day in my life,” I deadpan, and that almost gets Gloria to crack a genuine smile.
“I’m not trying to erase the pain and damage he caused you, Mal. I don’t want to minimize it. He fucked up, and he was too proud to tell you that he fucked up.” She sighs. “I just want you to know that he thought about you every day. He admired you.”
I snort.
