Page 108 of Every Step She Takes
“Mal has been helping me experience my second adolescence,” I hear myself explain as we stomp along a dusty road. “And part of that was, um, practice kisses, and like… practice sex. It didn’t mean anything. Our whole relationship has been about helping me gain confidence and explore my sexuality and—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Ari snaps, thrusting her flat palm into my face. “Practice sex? Yeah, that’s not a thing.”
“They were more like… sex lessons, really. Friends-with-Educational-Benefits.”
Ari gags. “I literally cannot.”
“Are you repulsed by the idea of us having sex, or…?”
“I am repulsed by the notion offriends with educational benefits.” She sticks out her tongue. Ari has an uncanny ability to say rude things in a way that’s strangely endearing. “That’s not a thing people do. People don’t have practice relationships.”
“I know it sounds weird, but I am woefully inexperienced when it comes to…everything, and Mal—”
She cuts me off again. “Look, either you have feelings for someone, or you don’t. You can’t havepracticefeelings.”
And she might actually have a point there.
“So, do you have feelings for Mal or not?”
I look over my shoulder once more. Mal has fallen even farther behind. “Of course I have feelings for her, but…”
“But what?” Ari demands.
But I have no idea how to tell her that.
But I don’t know if she feels the same way.
But I’m still just an inexperienced baby gay, still the woman who came out to her on an airplane two weeks ago, still the woman who doesn’t have the slightest idea how to love someone.
When I don’t give Ari an answer, she scoffs. “You know, you remind me of my best friend back home.”
“Thank you?”
“It’s not a compliment.”
Mal
“What crystal is that?”
I look up and see Sadie sitting on the floor of our Caldas de Reis albergue, her legs in a butterfly stretch. “Huh?”
“The crystal you’ve been clutching all day,” she teases, but there’s something sharp undercutting her tone.
“Jasper,” I croak. My throat is dry from a long day of walking in silence.
Sadie moves her knees up and down, her legs flapping like butterfly wings. “What does it do?”
“Inez gave it to me for… for courage,” I manage. “I-I looked it up, and it’s supposed to nurture in times of stress. It… it helps you show up fully.”
I’m aware of the irony: I haven’t been present all day. My brain is twenty years in the past and two days in the future, and my body feels completely stuck.
Sadie unfurls her legs and stretches them out in front of her. “Why does Inez think you need courage?”
I shove the crystal into the pocket of my fleece. I’m still wearing all my Camino clothes, including my teenage sneakers, as I perch on the edge of my bed for the night. “I need the courage to…”Break my old habits. “To deal with my inheritance. With the company and my dad’s funeral and… all of it. Finally.”
I can feel Sadie’s eyes on me even as she twists away in a deep, side body stretch. “I’m so sorry, Mal. When is the funeral?”
“In a week. Back in Porto. It’s going to be… hard.”
