Page 126 of Every Step She Takes
“Idohave much to say about it.”
I take another sip of my Verdelho, lean back in my patio chair, and resign myself to the inevitable. “Hit me with your best lecture.”
“No one said anything about a lecture.” Inez sweeps her Afro into a puff, like she’s ready to get serious. “I simply want us to examine the facts of the situation.”
“Uh-huh.” I reach for the plate of pasteis de bacalhau.
“Do you still text Sadie every single day?”
“Notevery day.” Sometimes the time difference means we talk everyotherday. But ever since her final blog post, we’ve been talking consistently. Most of our messages are about boring, everyday things: updates about her fledgling furniture restoration business and my ever-evolving plans for the foundation; anecdotes about her mom’s pitiful attempts at meddling less and Vi’s even worse attempts at respecting Sadie’s privacy; stories about my regular lunch dates with Luzia and my unexpectedfriendship with Gloria. I message her my reactions to episodes of variousProperty Brothersshows, and she messages me about her morning walks around Discovery Park. We only talk about our time on the Camino with oblique references; we never discuss the kisses we said were for practice.
“Every day?” Inez repeats, and I slowly, sheepishly nod.
“Yeah, every day. But!” I hold up a finger. “I also get daily voice memos from Stefano about his training, and daily photos of Ro’s dogs, and I don’t hear you attacking me overthat.”
“You didn’t have sex with Stefano or Ro,” Inez says plainly.
“Fair point. Carry on.”
“Did you furnish your entire office with pieces from Sadie’s Etsy page?”
I choke on cod fritter as I attempt to defend myself again. “Her furniture isbeautiful.And I’m just trying to support a friend.”
“And do you keep a framed photo of her on your desk?”
“It’s a framed photo of the entire tour group.”
Inez continues her interrogation. “And is it true you’ve been looking up houses in Seattle on Zillow?”
“Okay, yes, but only because that’s where Michelle lives, and I want to be close to my godson.”
“And have you refused to date at all since you and Sadie broke up?”
I sigh. “You know I have.”
Inez has been a surprising constant in my life these last three months. I flew to Lisbon to meet her wife; she met me in the Algarve for my birthday. We’ve both driven hundreds of kilometers to see each other between her tours. I will miss that connection when I leave Portugal. But I also have faith that no matter where I end up, Inez and I will stay close, the way Michelle and I always have.
“And it’s only beenthree monthssince I’ve sworn off dating, andyouwere the one who encouraged me to do that! So I canspend time working on myself, and focusing on my future, and becoming comfortable with the middle of things, and breaking old patterns, and blah blah blah.”
“Blah blah blah?” She eyes me over her own glass of wine. “How profound. Speaking of, how’s therapy going?”
“Horrible. Do you know therapists expect you to talk aboutyourselffor an hour straight? The monsters.”
My therapist isn’t actually a monster. Sofia has been another staple in my post-Camino life. Twice a week, we meet over Zoom to unpack my childhood trauma, and I don’t hate it as much as I thought I would. I’ve been surprised by how much time we’ve spent discussing my absentee mother and her impact on my self-esteem and my issues with commitment. But Valentim would be pleased to know he’s still the star of the show when it comes to damaging my psyche.
There’s been a lot of crying, a lot of unlearning and relearning, a lot of stand-up comedy routines in the place of genuine vulnerability, because I’m not perfect, and I’m still figuring out how to have a healthy relationship with my own thoughts.
Across the outdoor table, Inez strokes her chin like a philosophy professor contemplating the meaning of life. “I’m so proud of you. For slowing down. For going inward. For not jumping into the next relationship or the next distraction.” Only Inez can say things like this without prompting a reflexively flippant response. Well, Inez and Michelle.
“Even your aura has changed.” She lifts both hands and sweeps them into the shape of a rainbow around me. “An almost yellowish green now.”
Andthatdeserves a flippant comment. “I’m really glad we’re sticking to the facts here.”
Inez bites into a piece of cod fritter and glares at me. “The full moon lunar eclipse is in Pisces today.”
“Which is relevant to this conversation because…?”
“Heightened intuition today can guide us toward our best path.Ifwe’re willing to listen to it.”
