Page 19 of The Barbarian's Claim
That stubbornness showed up again, the refusal clear on his face. Exasperated, I pretended to turn away and lunged at him when he relaxed, grabbing his wrist before he could do more than squeak.
“You cannot hurt me. But you must learn to protect yourself. You will learn this first, then any other weapon I have with me. When we return to the clan, you will learn more.”
“W-why?” he asked, his voice high and worried. “Y-y-you’ll always be th-there.”
His faith in me warmed my middle, but I couldn’t risk it. Cupping his cheek, I drew his focus back to me. “Because you have been hurt before.” And he was willing to be hurt again just to stay alive. That thought bothered me, but it was not what we were discussing now. “Part of keeping you safe is to make sure you can protect yourself if I am unable.”
His eyes searched mine, his brows drawn tightly together. “H-how…?”
He wanted to know how I knew he’d been hurt. He didn’t realize his actions told the story without his explanation. “You did not speak this way always. It happened later. It is worse when you are afraid. I guessed. Am I wrong?”
Shame filled his eyes, and he dropped his gaze, shaking his head. I lifted his chin back up, letting him see the truth in my eyes. “Your condition does not make you less. You survived. Not all innocents do in the face of that kind of treatment. You are stronger than you believe.”
Twelve
MATTHEW
Ididn’t like how determined Einar was that I be prepared for him to die. He said no one would get close enough to hurt me, but I had to be ready anyway. A part of me wanted to refuse the lessons. I didn’t want to even think of the possibility of being without him. We’d only known each other for a short time, but he was the first and only person to care about me since I lost my family. I wasn’t sure I’d want to survive that kind of loss twice.
He didn’t seem like he’d give me the option to refuse, though. I could see it in his eyes as he took a step back and beckoned me, his stance ready for a fight. I shook my head again.
“I-I-I d-don’t—” The tremble in my voice worsened, and I choked on the words, only a whimper escaping me. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was my protector. I needed him. I dropped the dagger, taking a few steps away from it, shaking my head constantly.
“Matthew,” he growled, his tone scolding. I hated to disappoint him, but I couldn’t make myself do it. My eyes filledwith so many tears that I couldn’t see him properly anyway. There was no way I’d be able to do as he asked.
My back hit the rough bark of the tree behind me, stopping my movement. How did I tell him I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing the only person in this world who cared about me without having the words to say it out loud?
The rapid pounding of my heart filled my ears, blocking out the sounds around me. My chest felt tight, and I struggled to draw in a deep breath. Why couldn’t I ever keep the people who cared about me? Why was I always meant to be alone?
I squeezed my eyes closed, gripping my hair in my fists to try to feel something other than the bone-deep panic of losing Einar. It wasn’t even happening now, but he seemed so sure it would and that I’d have to prepare for it, and the prospect sent me into a spiral. The more I thought about what he wanted me to be ready for, the harder it was for me to breathe. Why couldn’t I breathe?
Warmth tugged at my senses as Einar wrapped me in his arms, squeezing tight enough to make my bones creak. I gasped in surprise, dragging in a ragged breath, clinging to him like a lifeline. He didn’t speak. He didn’t get angry. He just held me tight, inhaling and exhaling slowly until my breaths matched his and my heartbeat settled into its normal rhythm.
“I-I-I l-lost m-my whole f-family. I-I c-c-c–” I swallowed hard, forcing the words out. “I c-can’t lose you too. P-please…”
His hold on me tightened ever so slightly. The way he held me bordered on pain, but I needed it. I didn’t want him to let go.
“Okay…” he finally said, his voice gruff.
I knew it wouldn’t be that simple. He’d bring it up again later. He was too stubborn to just let it go. But for now, he was giving in to settle me. I was grateful for that.
I felt raw after that conversation, and I couldn’t look Einar in the eye once he let me go. Nor could I say a word to him. Notthat he seemed any more interested in speaking to me, either. We sat in silence as he prepared our meal, and afterward when we cleaned up by the stream. He didn’t leave me alone, but we didn’t interact at all.
It made me feel awful, and when we finally crawled into the bedroll together, I turned away from him and edged as far into my side as possible to give him space. Tears still burned my eyes, but I fought them back, burying my nose against the bedroll and surrounding myself in Einar’s scent.
Unlike the nights prior, I didn’t fall asleep instantly. My mind was too turbulent, and I couldn’t settle like I usually would. I was too worried about something happening to Einar. If he was killed out here, I’d be left all alone with no idea how to find my way back. He promised he’d protect me, but who would protect him?
I startled a little when his arm came around my waist, drawing me back against his chest.
“I’m sorry. I did not mean to make you afraid.”
He sounded sincere, and I leaned into the comfort he offered, hugging his arm against my chest. He didn’t complain about my clinginess, only settled himself more comfortably behind me. It was only wrapped in his arms that I finally felt the fatigue dragging at my senses. My eyes drifted closed, and my breath evened out, and just as I was slipping into unconsciousness, I heard him speak again. In his language, words I didn’t have a hope of understanding, but they were soothing and filtered through my mind on repeat until sleep claimed me.
EINAR
“I promise to protect you. Even from me.”
I knew he didn’t understand me, but I said the words anyway. When I bonded with him, I swore to protect him. I never thought he’d need protection from me. But seeing the way he shut down, gasping as he tried to suck in a breath, his eyes wide with terror, I realized it wasn’t just unknown enemies he needed protection from. It was me. I was the one creating the monsters in his mind, hurting him without ever touching him. I needed to do better.
