Page 41 of Marrying the Gardener
But…despite that…Kaleb’s looking at me as though I have so much to offer him. Just by beingme? Or are we still in physical attraction land where he’s trying to say that he finds me so physically attractive my participation isn’t required in order to achieve…whatever it is that people physically attracted to one another achieve?
Ha ha.
I do not know how this works.
He murmurs, “I just…Ireallylike you. Every part. The strength you portray. How smart you are. Your determination to let nothing stand in your way. The kindness and care you offer indiscriminately to everyone you let in. You’re funny…” He smiles. “You’re wild.” He combs his fingers through my hair. “I love your hair. The shape of your mouth.” His eyes close. “That your first instinct when kissing is tobite.”
My lips press together as I watch this man shudder over a mere memory, and my eyes drag to his neck, where the faint bruises I gave him at the beginning of the week have yellowed.
“I want to be good enough for you,” he says.
That pricks something inside me. “You want to be good enough for me?”
He nods. “Your existence is a gift. Being able to look at you and feel filled just by how you walk and talk andlivereveals my inadequacies. I’m trying so hard to make myself worthy of you, knowing that my existence can never provide you with the same delight.”
“Oh, honey.” I cup his face. “You’re doing more than enough.”
“I’m hurting you.”
“Only because I’m weak. This shouldn’t be affecting me. At all.”
His eyes break. “Yet, it is. And it’s not because you’reweak, Crimson. You’re the strongest person I know. Being strong doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings.”
I need to do better. I can’t let him suffer for my sake. And especially not when the only thing he’s getting out of helping me is the satisfaction that someone else has broken free from a world he’s too familiar with.
Not knowing what else to do, I kiss him and nip at his bottom lip.
He exhales a curse into my mouth before he jerks away.“Please, Crimson. Don’t do this for me. I won’t be able to stand myself.”
“I’m making this decision on my own. You hold no control over me.”
Repudiation riots, but he eventually drops his head, pinning my eyes with his. They’re desperate, pained. His lips quiver. And he’s sohelpless. Taking short, trembling breaths. Tensing when I move.
I ruffle his dark hair. “Let me make sure I understand: you genuinely want to stay married, without any pretense beyond continuing to be around me?”
“Yes, I do.”
I’m not sure what to make of that. Surely he’s missing something about me that would turn him off to the idea. Clearing my throat, I glance toward the mangled pile of feathers, and say, “Even after…”
He cups my cheek, brings my attention back down to him, says, “Yes.”
“We…make a decent team, don’t we?”
He shakes, moving his hand to graze a finger down my lips. “I…think so.”
I kiss his finger, and he collapses, practically begging. “You’re not like my father or the other horrible men I grew up seeing around him at all, are you?”
He cusses, eyes watering. “I hope not.”
I harden my tone. “You aren’t, Kaleb. You’re not like my father or your parents. You’re not like any man I’ve ever met before. You aren’t hurting me. You’re helping me, just like I’ve asked you to. And you’re doing beautifully.” Rising, I bend to kiss his forehead. “We’ll get through this. And afterward, if you still want to be my husband, we can get remarried for a different reason. I’ll provide for us, and you can fill my life with gardens.”
A cuss leaves him raw.
“Would you want that?” I ask.
Pushing up on his knees, he wraps his arms around my waist and looks up at me. “Yes. I’ve never wanted anything more.”
I pet his hair. “You realize we’ll still have a prenup, right? You won’t own anything. You’ll be my husband, but there won’t be anything else to gain from that title. It’s no use pretending if you’re trying to trick me for personal gain.”
