Page 40 of Marrying the Gardener
His cheek rests against the top of my head, and he squeezes me once before whispering, “You don’t have to do this for mysake if it’s revolting to you. I’ll be okay.”
“I don’t find you revolting. I promise.” I listen to his heartbeat. “How do I know whether my aversion to intimacy is integral in my makeup or a result of my upbringing?”
“Aversion to intimacy is different from being asexual. Even if you fear intimacy, if you aren’t asexual, you will still experience physical attraction.”
“You know a lot about this stuff.”
His body moves in a shrug around me. “When it’s your job to play to the comfort of others, you pick up things about how people work.” His thumb runs over the bumps of my spine, and…it feels good.
I don’t think I’d mind staying here a while. Not if it proves something to him.
“There…is something else,” he says, caution in his tone. “And I need you to know that this comes from a selfish place. I need you to know that I’m trying to be transparent, but I’m also very weak and clinging to hope.”
“What is it?” I murmur.
“You could be demisexual. It’s on the asexual spectrum. Demisexuals don’t experience physical attraction until an emotional need is met. If you’ve not let yourself get close enough to create an emotional connection with any man, you wouldn’t know if you’re straight and demi or not.”
“Is…” My brow furrows. “I’m sorry. Is that not how it is for everyone? The good people, I mean. The ones who are serious about wanting to build something with someone, not the scum who just want to feel good. Doesn’t everyone good build an emotional connection before even thinking about the physical things?”
“Um. No. That is very much not how it is for even good people…”
I pull back, dumbfounded. “You’re telling me good peoplewalk around thinking things about people whose names they don’t even know?”
Kaleb assists in putting more distance between us. Keeping his eyes averted, he says. “Yeah…that…that’s what I’m saying. Physical attraction is often what inspires people into a deeper relationship. You start at thewow…she or he is gorgeous…and then you fumble your way throughI wonder if I can stand their character.”
“That is…fascinating.” I blink up at him, and I think if his skin weren’t so tan, it would be more obvious that he’s…blushing? Oh my goodness, he’s blushing. I can’t believe he’s actuallyblushing. I say, “It’s also a little disturbing.”
“I’m very sorry. But. This happened. Me, to you.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
He swallows and still can’t meet my eyes. “Yeah. I…I like you. I guess I understand now why you were so adamant about undermining my feelings. To you, we just don’t know each other, so there’s nothing of importance for me to like. My interest in committing to you because you light something up inside my brain, I think you’re perfect, and I’ve seen enough of your character to know I’d like to keep seeing more for the rest of my life is not a concept you’ve encountered before.”
My heart squeezes. “I’d never undermine your feelings on purpose. I’m so sorry if that’s what it seemed like I was doing. I just… I don’t…Howcan you make that kind of life-changing decision based basically on what I look like?”
He cuts his fingers through his hair and wets his lips. “I don’t know. It’s notjustwhat you look like. Sure, that’s what drew my attention in the first moment, but it’s also the way you carry yourself? I can’t get you out of my head. Everything about you is my type.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t understand.”
“I’m glad you understand now.”
Theunderstandingcrashes into me. At full speed. Like a jet plane. “Wait. If those…feelings…aren’t a joke or delirium. If it’s normal for other people to put so much stock in physical attraction thatitis what guides the resulting emotional connection…that means…you…” My brain. It might be breaking. Today has been way too long for this conversation. “You…actually…genuinely…” I speak very slowly, for my own sake, so what I’m saying can sink in without unraveling my atoms. “…want to take care of…and stay married to…me?”
His entire body crumples, weak, nearly helpless. “Very much, Crimson. Yes.”
“Even if I never experience physical attraction? Your attraction, which started physically, covers your need for—” Nope. There it goes. My head just blew up. Lifting my hands, I rub my temples and whimper. “This doesn’t make sense. What do I bring to the table for you?”
He lifts my face, swipes a thumb over my bottom lip. “So much. Just…lookat you…”
I’d rather not.
I’m a mess right now.
I just mutilated a pillow with the kitchen knife that I used to wing my now-running eyeliner this morning. If I don’t see myself for a good hot minute, I will be so okay with that.
