Page 30 of The Gargoyle's Gift
“Ridiculous. You are not required to pay penance for the rest of your days in the form of discomfort, Gaius.”
“You sure, Little Dove?” I was pinned by the misery in his stare. “I’ve done things I can never atone for. Seems a constant reminder is the least of what I deserve.”
I scoffed. “This again? Get over yourself, General.”
“Pardon me?” He scowled again, looking at me as though he didn’t recognize me.
“You heard me. Your former behavior and past crimes don’t make you special, Gaius. I would wager every solider here—plus all the ones stationed at the military outpost and the men at theworkcampfor saint’s sake—have a similar story. Your self-imposed misery does nothing but keep you from healing in every way.”
“You have no idea?—”
“Sure I do. I’ve heard my father’s stories, my mother’s, my siblings’. Those of every injured stone kin to come through my infirmary or the meetinghouse needing to share their tales over supper. Do you think me pure? Without any stains of past deeds? You weretherewhen I killed those guards.”
“They were threatening you?—”
“Andyou. You were there earlier today when I …” My blood ran hot, the ache of the bond in my chest tightening and giving a dull throb. “Whatever it is you think you’ve done, you must forgive yourself. If needs must, list everything out on paper so I can see it all clearly and make my own choice.”
“And if I can’t? If I can’t forgive nor forget?”
“Then you are doomed to be nothing more than a miserable old man, stuck in the past for all of eternity. Is that what you want? When you can be so much more? When youareso much more? You deserve better than that. I do, too, as your mate. I truly thought we’d moved past much of this.”
“In one thing, we agree, Lovette. You deserve better.” He bit the words out, as if my statement had confirmed what he’d already told me. A chasm began to open between us again, and I couldn’t stand the idea of having to either close or cross it once more.
“Thenbe more, Gaius.” Frustrated, I got to my feet and started packing up the supplies. I was not interested in rehashing this, yet again, not after what we’d already been through together.
“I do not know how, Little Dove.” The quiet tone of his voice, the resignation in it and the sadness made me stop. It made my heart ache and my breath catch.
“You do too, you foolish man.” I exhaled a long breath, staring into his eyes. “You have been, each day I’ve sat here with you and sorted jewels. Every time you’ve thought of someone else over your revenge.”
He shook his head. “I don’t. I’m not good like you, Lovette.”
“Good and bad are just?—”
“I don’t know how to be what youneed.” His hasty interruption tapered into a deep sigh. “You are everything I lack, and it just comes naturally. I do not understand why the fates have smiled on me so, despite how I begged and tried to wheedle my way into such a blessing.” He grimaced then, as though tasting something bad. “Especially because I tried to do that.”
“What is it you need, Gaius?” I asked, unable to keep the words from spilling over my lips, even if they would damn me to living in a state of endless longing or regret.
He shook his head. “Just you. You are my peace, Little Dove. Your presence, your touch brings me more calm than I can ever remember having.”
“It takes away the edge of anxiety perhaps, but my gift doesn’t relieve pain. What’s the point in it if it doesn’t do that?” Frustrated by the storm of emotions swirling within me, I tugged at my shirt as I sat heavily in the chair and looked away.
His eyebrows drew together, and he leaned forward, putting his hands on either side of my face and forcing me to look into his eyes.
“The pain I can handle, Lovette. It is an annoyance, nothing more. The disquiet that has invaded my soul since I took that damnable post with the council is a constant gnawing ache driving me to madness. That doesn’t even count all the years before, the anger that festered and the misguided hatred over things that, you’re right, I should have learned how to move past. Moments of peace without any of that, a chance to catch my breath and get some clarity on my own mind are priceless. Your presence is ablessing.” He slanted his mouth over mine, the kiss straightforward but potent. His hands left my face and slid around my body. I sank into his warmth as his arms tightened around me, and a lump of emotion clogged my throat. “Do not discount your value or the power of your gift.” The words rumbled against my ear.
My chest glowed with the praise, the acknowledgement. I had always viewed my gift as incomplete, like the universe had forgotten to give me the other half of it. Guilt was always there when I’d be helping a patient, someone wounded and hurting, and the best I could do was to remove the anxiety of the situation instead of relieving the actual source of their pain.
Gaius’s words soothed the parts of me that always ached to do more in those situations. They reminded me that sometimes the best aspects of our gifts, of ourselves, are the ones we think are missing.
“Thank you.”
“Mmm,” he grumbled again, tugging at the ends of my hair with his fingertips. Pulling some of the curls out straight, he then let them bounce up again. His chair scraped the floor as he scooted as close to me as possible, his arms winding around my middle, his face tucked into the curve of my neck.
I shivered as his mouth began to lay light kisses along my skin, the bond expanding under my ribs, feeling like unfiltered sunlight trying to escape the confines of my body. “Gaius.”
His broad, warm palms took the measure of me in a slow, methodical way, mapping every inch of my torso and back before lowering to my thighs. His touch was firm and intentional as he replicated the massage I’d given him. One at a time, he drew my feet into his lap, working his strong thumbs into my instep, cracking the tense joints in my toes. I arched my back into the chair, unsure whether I was enjoying the sensations or not.
“You are tense, Little Dove.”
